Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Texans Has Gas


A large natural gas field was found in Texas.

With any luck there will a bunch of wildlife to kill and a ton of beautiful prairie land to destroy. Nothing makes me happier than a pilfering the Earth's natural resources while at the same time possibly endangering a species of animal.

My joy, however, remains tempered as it was found in Texas...

In A Word's 7 Most Irrelevant People Of 2005

Ironically, they are 7 of the 10 people from "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005." We will show Barbara's list first, but as we do please be thinking in the back of your mind which 7 made In A Word's prestigious "7 Most Irrelevant People of 2005" (taken from a pool of 10 people from "Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005.")

Barbara's List:
Superstar Tom Cruise, Grammy Award winner Kanye West, pint-sized acting dynamo Dakota Fanning, legal eagle Thomas Mesereau, seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong (who is also joined by his rock star fiancee, Sheryl Crow) and Beth Holloway Twitty (mother of missing teenager Natalee Holloway). The special also includes "Desperate Housewives'" Teri Hatcher, Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

In A Word's List:
Super lug nut and Sciencetology looney Tom Cruise, "Verbally attacking President Bush was the best career decision I have ever made" Kenye West, "my agent is a good friend of Barbara Walters" Dakota Fanning, "I still believe Michael Jackson is innocent and monkeys will fly out of my butt" Thomas Mesereau, "luckily my daughter was cute blonde white girl or the media wouldn't have cared" Beth Holloway Twitty, "I exist on Barbara's list to cross promote another ABC show" Teri Hatcher, and finally "I threw away acting clout by staring in Stealth" Jamie Foxx.

There you have it folks, In A Word's 7 Most irrelevant People of 2005 (taken from a pool of 10 people from Barbara Walter's Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005). The winners will be receiving a sternly written letter asking them to please fall into obscurity and a bill demanded restitution for the time they stole from my life this year.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Protein Wisdom

I have a new addiction. Everyday I have to read Protein Wisdom by Jeff Goldstein. The addiction has gotten so bad it is the first thing I browse on the web each day. And quite frankly it is for these types of posts:

A haiku that, for no reason whatsoever, imagines Abe Lincoln as a
rebellious Yellow-billed cuckoo
(Coccyzus americanus):
"Four-score and seven-"
-- You know what? Screw this. Lets you
and me eat some grubs.

and classics like this...

"The Tale of Timmy the Curious Mouse" (a protein wisdom microfiction; based on a true story)
"Oooh. Peanut butter!" squeaked Timmy the curious mouse, poking his curious little mouse head into the springloaded trap's airy and inviting opening. "Gosh, I sure do love me some pea --"
SNAP!
~finis~

Jeff is a genius and Protein Wisdom is, in my opinion, the best blog on the web. Click now!

Casting Call


So, lets see if I've got this straight...

Dan Rather is your anchorman. He doesn't research and confirm his sources and runs an anti-Bush story. He gives his network, CBS, a black eye and "retires" in shame a few months later.

Alright, now you've got this stain on your network and an open anchor postion to fill. Knowing that viewers are already migrating from traditional news sources, next anchorperson you hire needs to be a homerun. You need a person that America will trust. In CBS' mind that person is Katie Couric.

Huh?

Did I miss something, when did Katie Couric become a trusted name in news? Consider this quote directed to Jimmy Carter from April 1st, 2005 on the Today Show (please notice the softball delivery of her questions to him):

“President Carter, as perhaps our country’s most revered ex-President, your words carry a lot of moral weight. Surely everyone noticed when you told reporters recently that President Bush’s war on Iraq was based on a campaign of quote, ‘lies and misinterpretations.’ How many lies do you think the President told to drag us into war?... I mean, were they little white lies or really gigantic whoppers?...Does this button sum it all up for you, ‘Bush Lied, People Died’?”

Most revered ex-President? Your words carry a lot of moral weight? Yes, surely Carter ranks higher than Washington, Addams, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, Kennedy, and Reagan. How Katie made that statement with a straight face amazes me.

Then again, maybe that is what CBS is looking for...someone who can lie and not crack a smile.

Quickies

Canadians vote no confidence in their government. Well, it is about time, we Americans have had no confidence in their government for decades.

And because no conservative blog is complete without a little Massachusetts bashing...

A Provincetown Selectwomen has ordered the removal of a painting depicting the signing of the Mayflower Compact. Why you ask? Well, because there were no women in the painting. It appears that California disease has hit Massachusetts hard.

Maybe we could give the Russians a 2 for 1 deal with Alaska and Massachusetts. Or maybe, just maybe a Buy 2 get 1 Free if we included California. Or maybe just free...

Blah, Blah, Blah


!!Breaking News!! -- Live, from the fictional reality of America's Celebrities

Yet another liberal, celebrity Democrat has denounced the war in Iraq and the Bush administration. Ted Turner stated yesterday at Kansas State University, "you have to question ... the president on a lot of decisions he's made," Turner said. "He might just think launching those weapons [nuclear warheads] would be a good thing to do. ... He thought Iraq was."

He thought Iraq was...hahaha...oh Ted stop, you'll killing me.

However, the speech was not perfect, as Mr. Turner was penalized style points for making a bad sports analogy. He said we are at a "critical juncture" and compared the situation to that of a baseball team down two runs in the seventh inning. Of course, this is the man who used to own the Atlanta Braves. The Braves are the baseball team that have won like 15 straight division championships, but only one World Series. Yeah, Ted, that is what America is looking for, the inability to finish the job and the constant label of not finishing what we started.

And finally, because you can't talk about Iraq without referencing Vietnam he threw in this worthless, moveon.org tag line: "You would think that we would have learned that [war is not the answer] in Vietnam," he said. No Ted we did learn and this time we won't cut and run. This time we will give our troops the resources and support they deserve. This time it won't be 14 years of bloodshed and 50,000 lost lives for a war we could have and should have won. This time we will finish the job. This time we will make sure those brave men and women who have died defending our way of life will not become just a failed footnote in history that future celebrities and politicians can use to grandstand on to promote their twisted ideology.

Of course, we shouldn't expect much from the man who was once married to Hanoi Jane.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Star Wars Ep. VII: Darth Bush and The Braindead Canucks

Former Canadian Minister of Defense and Deputy Prime Minister, Paul Hellyer, has uncovered a plot by President Bush to start an intergalactic war. Away from his padded cell for a lecture at the University of Toronto, Mr. Hellyer said "UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head."

As the medication started to wear off, Hellyer continued: "I'm so concerned about what the consequences might be of starting an intergalactic war, that I just think I had to say something."

Hellyer continued with his speech being interpreted into Vulcan, just in case Spock's great, great, great, great, great, grandfather was listening via subspace communications: "The secrecy involved in all matters pertaining to the Roswell incident was unparalleled. The classification was, from the outset, above top secret, so the vast majority of U.S. officials and politicians, let alone a mere allied minister of defense, were never in-the-loop."

Wait for it, wait for it...and now the punchline.

Hellyer warned, "The United States military are preparing weapons which could be used against the aliens, and they could get us into an intergalactic war without us ever having any warning. He stated, "The Bush administration has finally agreed to let the military build a forward base on the moon, which will put them in a better position to keep track of the goings and comings of the visitors from space, and to shoot at them, if they so decide."

Star Trek fans in attendance erupted in a standing ovations as he concluded with "the time has come to lift the veil of secrecy, and let the truth emerge, so there can be a real and informed debate, about one of the most important problems facing our planet today."

Some stories just write themselves. And no, none of the quotes are made up.

A Public Opinion Poll I Promise You Will Not See Repeated In The Mainstream Media


I be perfectly honest I was more than I little surprised that I found this little nugget of truth in the Washington Post. It seems (at least according to this poll) that about 70% of Americans believe the Democrats criticism of the war in Iraq hurts troop morale. You think? Hell, even 55% of Democrats believe it hurt morale.

You mean saying things like "wrong time, wrong war" and consistently saying the situation is getting worse negatively affects the mindset of the men and women putting their lives on the line for us? Well I have to hand it to the Democrats, the Iraq War was nothing like Vietnam until now. Maybe Ted Kennedy could urinate in a balloon and throw it a returning veteran when he arrives home from Iraq, that would make the parallels complete.

The other statistic that blew me away in the article was that 30% of Americans believe the criticism of the war is not for political gain. Does this really mean 7 in 10 Americans can actually see through the Democrats' rhetoric?

Expect a poll from MSNBC later to day contradicting RT Strategies' poll findings.

Rode Hard, Put Away Wet

Here is a little picture of what it looks like the morning after sleeping around with Moveon.org. The waking up to realization the you are no longer wanted. The truth in knowing you no longer have a husband and a family. The pain of not only losing your son, but of also traveling the country degrading what he believed in.

Cindy Sheehan is shown here waiting for someone, anyone to come so she can sign her new book. At the same time, the rest of her family is celebrating Thanksgiving without her...again.

A broken woman sitting alone at a table. A pawn. Everything that matters in her life is gone. Left in solitary thought, tending to all her self inflicted wounds.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor...

As the viewership of this blog continues to grow, I feel as though I need to clarify a few things so no one will be misled by any of the information presented on this site.

1. The articles are meant to be humorous (albeit not all the time, whether intentional or not). However, most articles are linked to the real stories.

2. I will from now on put fictional quotes in yellow text. This will be everyone's clue, that it possibly isn't true, but is probably meant to be funny (once again not always though). As the articles are linked, you the reader, should be able to figure out when I am putting words in other people's mouths.

3. Even though there maybe a twisting of context or satirical bend on a story, I will never present the fiction as the truth. As the articles are linked to a real news source, you can always check my facts. The links section on this site will also direct you to places to check the validity about a particular story.

4. I welcome your comments. Please feel free to post. All I ask is that you represent yourself in some manor (ie. nickname, name, or some reference to who you are) . No anonymous posts.


Lastly, I am always to looking to add links and other blogs that mirror In A Word, please contact me about making our little blogsphere a little bigger.

Enjoy.

Dear Santa, All I Want Is For Christmas Is For The Politically Correct Movement To Die


Coming as no surprise to no one, Boston made a bold move to unseat San Francisco as the most politically correct city in the nation while at the same time upsetting a majority of its' citizens. Instead of erecting a Christmas Tree this year, Boston will be lighting a Holiday Tree.

The vague Holiday Tree will be a symbol of giving and receiving presents, little babies born in a manger, going to Church on a random day such as midnight on December 24th, goodwill towards men and women, and peace on not just Earth but also the Moon and Mars.

The city of Boston is also asking people to refrain from using the words Menorah and Dreidel. In their places, please use the terms "holiday candlestick" and "square top with funny writing."

John Kerry (D-Mass) came to the defense of Boston in a statement to In A Word: "Celebrating X-mas is a very personal thing. Although America has always respected other religious holidays while even at war, such as Tet and Ramadan, Christians must learn to share December 25th with the rest of the world. In the spirit of sharing we will do our best to remove any references to a X-mas that 1% of the country may find offensive."

Man, I do love Massachusetts. It is a conservative blogger's dream come true. Writer's block? Google search "stupid" and "Massachusetts" and the idea pipeline bursts wide open.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Al-Zarqawi, Meet Your New Neighbor


The King of Weird, Michael Jackson (pictured), who recently moved to the friendly confines of Bahrain in the middle East, has held out an olive branch to the Muslims in the area. Wacko was recently reported to have made anti-semantic comments in conjunction to his financial woes. Of course, it could be argued that sleeping with little boys does damage ones career; the purveyor of Jesus Juice seems to believe the Jewish are out to get him.

"At first we were a little concerned with Mr. Jackson moving to our neighborhood," Al-Zarqawi, Iraq's most wanted man said today outside of posh dirt cave. "Property values and child safety have always been a top priority of our exclusive little area of the world, but Mr. Jackson seems to be the first American I could actually throwback a beer with. Everyone knows the infidel Jews are the root of all evil, praise Allah, and Mr. Jackson is our kind of psychotic."

The In A Word staff is wondering if there might be houses for sales in Michael's new subdivision for other US celebrities? Michael Moore, Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh, The Clintons, All of Hollywood, Green Day, Ted Kennedy, Pat Robertson, The Cast of The Today Show, Jessica Simpson, Jesse Jackson... The list could go on and on...

Tonight On Must See Terrorist TV


Programming Schedule For Al-Jazeera

6:00PM: "Imperialists Pigs" -- how the United States tried to blow up Al-Jazeera offices.
6:30PM: Live Coverage of a Car Bombing in Iraq
7:00PM: "An Intimate Conversation With The Misunderstood Osama Bin Laden"
8:00PM: "Lies and the Lying Infidels that Tell Them" -- more on the how the United States plotted to use a bomb to blow up innocent people at Al-Jazeera studios.
8:30PM: Paid Advertisement by Al-Qaeda
9:00PM: "Iraqi Choppers" a live beheading, an Al-Jazeera exclusive
10:00PM: PBS' Frontline

Set Your Tivo Now! Sometime next week a live news conference in Massachusetts of Democrats calling for Bush to come clean about the Al-Jazeera allegations.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Harsh and Cruel, These Are Just A Few Of My Favorite Things


Following the promotional stunt to draw attention to himself, the American bonehead Atheist Michael Newdow has now decided to wage war on good taste. As the reviews of his one man play roll in, I will let the Sacramento Bee say what I wanted to say:

"But [Newdow's] budding musical career, which he put on display in a one-man show before a sparse audience Tuesday night, may be cut short by, of all things, lack of God-given talent."

Ouch, suppose he will sue the Bee for using God in his review?

My pocket watch says his fifteen minutes are coming to an end. And to that I say "Amen."

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Dead Turkey Walking

PETA scores a last minute stay of execution from President Bush for the national turkey.However, in keeping with PETA's campaign to eliminate animal suffering, but increase human suffering, the ultra wacko vegetarian organization enlisted the help of skinhead singer Moby this Thanksgiving.

Moby had his voice recorded on a veggie hotline to rival Butterball's Turkey Hotline. Moby gives scrumptious directions on how to stuff the perfect tufo turkey.

Says Dopy "I decided there was enough suffering in the world, I don't want to be responsible for the suffering of animals." Please pass me a tissue, cuz man that was beautiful...sniff.

Soapy has been a vegan since he was 21 at time before he began his assault on music. "I have done my part to destroy part of the music scene, it is time to stop annoying people through song and move on to fascist vegetarian policies."

As a vegan, Mopy will not only abstain from eating meat, but also won't eat any food that comes from an animal such as eggs or milk. When pressed on how a person can be a vegan and pro-choice, Napy began to answer but then realized he had been caught in one of those weird, celebrity ideological catch-22s, so he decided to change the subject and mumbled something negative about Bush and the republican party.

So, In A Word is calling you to action. This Thanksgiving it is your duty as an evil, vile meat eater to have an extra helping of turkey. Together we can pick up the slack in the food chain caused by the vegetarians.

Also, a quick Thanksgiving history lesson. Anyone know where the word vegetarian comes from? It is an old Indian word that means: bad hunter.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Kerry Elected Jury Foreman


John Kerry coming off a Presidential defeat, rebounded with a clear victory in his bid to be jury foreman. "As far as I am concerned it is a mandate victory, the other eleven people have basically given power to push through my agenda as I see fit," Kerry (pictured during a victory rally) exclaimed beneath streaming confetti and balloons.

He also added "today we tackled this drunk jaywalking case with a clear vision of the future."

As an interested in side note, consider this quote from the article:

"I just found him to be a knowledgeable, normal person," said Cynthia Lovell, a nurse and registered Republican who says she now regrets voting for President Bush in last year's election. "He kept us focused. He wanted us all to have our own say."

Exactly what did being a registered Republican who say she now regrets voting for Bush have to do with Kerry being elected Jury foreman? In A Word Media Watchdog would like to know...AP News has some explaining to do.

Just In Time For The Holidays


Worried about low gas prices and a mild winter approaching, Big Oil got a shot in the arm today as a single tanker truck of gasoline turned over near Washington D.C..

"Quite frankly this is the best news we have seen since our hearings in Congress," an unreliable, unconfirmed source within Exxon said today. "That single truck is our pipeline to the nation's capital. I don't believe it is unreasonable to think the rest of the nation will have to shoulder a 25 to 50 cents price increase at the pump to offset our loses."

The In A Word Money Team has also heard rumors of Big Oil adopting a occasional semi trailer accident policy throughout the nation to help offset the times when hurricanes and winter weather aren't doing their part to keep production low. More on this story as it develops.

Picture Of The Day: A Turkey Named Monica



Monica, the turkey, shows her gratitude for being pardoned.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

In A Word Diversions


Think of how quickly you could travel from one place to another if it weren't for all the dang trees in the way. What I would really like to buy is a nice, big Hummer with a special chainsaw on the front bumper that way I could cut down trees as I drive. Trees are so smug anyway. Always stationary with that "here look at me, I am grandiose tree with pretty colors." Die, Trees, Die!

The State Of Education In America


Good News:

Violent crime is down in our nation's schools.

Bad News:

Now if we could only get the teachers to stop having sex with the students.

Here's A Surprise: Another Friggin' Celebrity Spitting On America


Have you ever wondered what the world of celebrities must be like? Where millions of dollars of easy money has completely distorted their view of the real world (you know, the one 99.9% of America actually live in). Well, here is a little insight into whacked out world of Kurt Vonnegut (pictured), author of the 1969 anti-war book, Slaughterhouse Five (with In A Word comments in yellow):

"Sweet and honourable" to die for what you believe in, and rejected the idea that terrorists were motivated by twisted religious beliefs. (Honorable, like a cowardly, suicide bomb killing hundreds of innocent people)

"They are dying for their own self-respect," he said. "It's a terrible thing to deprive someone of their self-respect. It's like your culture is nothing, your race is nothing, you're nothing." (Yes, nothing says respect like a cowardly, suicide bomb killing hundreds of innocent people)

"I regard them [terrorists] as very brave people, yes." (Brave, as a cowardly, suicide bomber killing innocent people)

"You would know death is going to be painless, so the anticipation - it must be an amazing high." (Yeah, Kurt you know all about getting high...one too many LCD tablets in the 60s?)

And finally an oldie, but a goodie from 2002:

He was widely criticized for saying there was too much talk about the 9/11 attacks and not enough about "the crooks on Wall Street and in big corporations", whose conduct had been more destructive. (I mean really people, it was just a few thousand people in a NYC. Can we get back to the things that really matter...you know money and buying more of my books.)

So I have a special message from the down to earth, middle America to Kurt Vonnegut: Fuck You! Why don't you go cuddle with the nice terrorists in Middle East and see if you wake up in the morning with a head.

Monday, November 21, 2005

In A Word Diversions: Politically Incorrect For Maximum Enjoyment

A Daily Dose Of Free Advice


Good Mornin', this morning...you sick, twisted freaks!

As I was listening to one of my favorite radio shows, Glenn Beck, I heard a little bit of advice I would like to pass on to my readers. If you have a daughter, for the sake of family peace don't ever say this to her:

"Honey, you butt looks like two bulldogs fighting in a sack."

Apparently this does not go over very well.

Democrat Mayor Inspired By Communist China


The In A Word Red Herring Team has sniffed out another Commie. Chicago mayor, Richard Daley (pictured), was "inspired by a trip to Communist China," and says "he wants the city's public schools to move to a six-day school week."

He went on to say "we give kids too much time off. We're supposed to be visionaries. We can't educate our children if we give them two months off."

Really, folks I don't even need to make any jokes about this story. I find it very disturbing someone could be inspired by a trip to a country that restricts freedoms. Daley went on to say he was completely engrossed in a "little red book and was looking forward to the day when the Mao Tse-tung High School Red Warriors would be playing football against the George Washington H.S. Generals. What a glorious day for Lenin...er...I mean America that will be!"

Knight Ridder News Fudges Facts In An Article About The "White House Fudging Facts In War Debate"


In A Word Media Watchdog services has uncovered some disturbing creative writing at the Knight Ridder newspapers. In an article picked up by other national newspapers, a couple of Knight Ridder reports had a little too much freedom in trying show the White House lied last week while firing back at its' opponents concerning the Iraq war.

Knight Ridder claims Bush lied when he said, "critics are fully aware that a bipartisan Senate investigation found no evidence of political pressure to change the intelligence community's judgments related to Iraq's weapons programs." The reporters James Kuhnhenn and Jonathan S. Landay kind of fumble over themselves, because they actually agree with Bush, but they claim it wasn't bipartisan. The Senate committee concluded that none of the analysts where pressured. However, after the committee released its' findings, amazingly Democrats released a counter-statement saying just the opposite. The Democrats' statements unfortunately didn't go through the same scrutiny as the Senate committee (or even show show any evidence to support their claims), however Knight Ridder will take it as fact anyway. Typical.

Knight Ridder's second claim of Bush deception was :"more than a hundred Democrats in the House and the Senate - who had access to the same intelligence - voted to support removing Saddam Hussein from power." Just like the Democrats, Kuhnhenn and Landay believe there most be some nugget of information contained the President's Daily Brief, which members of congress do not get to see. Those briefs are not public information, nor do the Democrats or Knight Ridder know what is in them. They just believe it contains the proof Bush lied, however they have no clue or evidence to support their claims. Typical.

On Veterans Day, Kuhnhenn and Landay believe Bush further distorted the facts when he said "intelligence agencies around the world agreed with our assessment of Saddam Hussein." Bush makes a pretty general statement and is a little vague. However, Knight Ridder reporters have a knack for taking nothing and turning it into something. While Bush doesn't say the rest of the world believed everything US said about Saddam, for the purpose of their article Kuhnhenn and Landay imply Bush said they did. I've got news for Kuhnhenn and Landay, just because the rest of world didn't believe the same intelligence as Bush, they did agree with the overarching statement that Saddam was hiding weapons of mass destruction and intended to use them. We also have countless U.N. resolutions to support that belief.

To further dig deeper into the article would be a waste of time. The reporters, Kuhnhenn and Landay, clearly have a very long leash by Knight Ridder News. This is front page opinion presented as a news. More and more these days newspaper editors can't wait for the reader to get to the back of the paper to read their editorials, so they have devised creative ways to disguise their opinions on the front page. Ever seen bylines like: "news analysis," "investigative news," "insider news," or "news editorial?"

The nation's media outlets continue to blur the lines between fact and fiction. Unlike Bush who has to answer to the media and the American public, who does the media have to answer too?

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Pwned!


If you thought the ambition of America's teens had steadily gone down in the last few decades, get ready for it to hit rock bottom.

Mom: "Billy, for the last time get off the Computer!"
Billy: "Mom, I am working! I just became a level 72 Druid with a maxed out Bear skill. I am afraid I will be putting in some long hours this week."
Mom: "I just worried about you working too hard."
Billy: "Don't worry Mom, but I could use some more Mountain Dew and a girlfriend."
Mom: "What about your online girlfriend, foxybabexxx, who loves playing Diablo with you?"
Billy: "Well it didn't turn out they way I had hoped...she was actually a guy."
Mom: "That's too bad. You guys seemed to really hit it off and she completely understood your need to play video games all the time, stay up all night, not being able to keep a job, and accepted the fact you still lived at home even though you were 28."
Billy: "Yeah, I guess in hindsight it was pretty obvious she wasn't real."

Joke Of The Day


A baby seal walks in to a club...

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Question Is: Was The Building Big Enough For Their Egos?


Carpetbagger Harkin (D-IA) was unsuccessful in his attempt to get his name on a building (pictured) this week. The amendment was offered by Sen. Daniel Inouye, D-Hawaii, however the Drudge Report believes Harkin was behind the amendment.

Ironically, the building wasn't even in Iowa. Of course, Iowans probably don't even know who Harkin is, he certainly isn't in the state very often. Harkin typically shows up when other politicians are campaigning in the state.

In A Word Political Insider has it from an unreliable, unconfirmed source that Harkin was visibly shaken after he received word of the failed vote. Harkin was seen slamming doors in his D.C. office and muttering something about "how much damn pork do you have to push through Congress until someone names a friggin' building after you?"

Put Up Or Shut Up


The US House Republicans struck back at their counterparts with a resolution to immediately withdraw or troops from Iraq. In a political game of stare down, the Republicans dared the Democrats to stand behind their rhetoric. However, when it comes to a voting record in favor of leaving Iraq, only 3 Democrats will be able to make that statement as the resolution was narrowly defeated 403 to 3.

Not happy when having to play on the defensive side of the political game, Democrats sounded back. Murtha "introduced a bill yesterday that I don't entirely agree with . . . but to take his proposal and trash it, trivialize it, is . . . Beneath contempt," said Rep. Jack Spratt (D-S.C.).

Beneath contempt, Mr. Jack Spratt (if that is your real name)? How about the daily attacks from your party on the current administration calling for the withdrawal of forces in Iraq? Do you actually want to that? I guess, according to Mr. Spratt, it is fine to go around all week along and talk about how we need to leave Iraq to any newspaper that will listen. However, to actually have a position and do something about it, is completely different.

I've got an idea. How about the Democratic party shut its' collective mouths until they actually have a plan. Soap box speeches are getting tiresome. Remember Bush's approval rating is 37%, but Congress' is 35%. So, simply math tells us the citizens of this country don't exactly believe congress has all the right answers.

How about a couple of comments from our troops:

"I think we have to finish the job that we began here," said Army Col. James Brown of the Texas National Guard, who commands a brigade in southwestern Iraq. "It's important for the security of this nation, it's important for the security of this region, and certainly it's important in the vital interest of the United States of America."

Or a from a Marine Colonel who spoke with Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio),

"He asked me to send Congress a message--stay the course. He also asked me to send Congressman Murtha a message--that cowards cut and run, Marines never do."

The Personal Ads In Massachusetts Are About To Get Little More Creepy


In an ever increasing effort to keep up with California as the second most whacked-out liberal state, Massachusetts introduced a bill this week to reduce the punishment on the bestiality statute. The In A Word Gossip Team (Busy Bodies) has it from an unreliable, unconfirmed source that the sheep of Massachusetts are more than a bit worried. A spokesram for the Sheep union said in a terse statement made at Farmer Brown's farm, "that we believe humans should be legally bound to keep their perverts to their own species."

In an interesting twist, it has been confirmed that the bill is "strongly endorsed by the state's three major powerful homosexual lobbying groups." Call me cynical, but can someone be "born that way" when it come to sex with farm animals?

When discussion of the bill came before the legislature "reportedly, no one from the public testified against the measure." That is a little creepy.

However, the bill does beg the question: "which came first, the chicken or..." Oh nevermind, I won't go there.

Friday, November 18, 2005

My Congressman Can Beat Up Your Congressman


Since there was nothing pressing in the nation's politics yesterday, Hillary Clinton decided to defend herself against the book "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!," by Katharine DeBrecht. In the book, Clinton is depicted as Congresswomen Clunkton who is trying to shut down a children's lemonade stand for having too high of sugar content. Yes, you can laugh, it is that funny.

In a perfectly executed bit of playground etiquette, Clinton staffers pulled off a brilliant "nanny, nanny, boo boo." "Can't wait for the sequel, Help! Mom! I Can't Read This Book Because Republicans Have Cut Literacy Programs!" Clinton's spokesman Philippe Reines fumed recently in comments to The Hill newspaper while sticking his tongue out.

Not understanding sometimes you should just let a bad joke die, Reines went on to say "it's not the liberal under the bed that they should be worried about, it's the sales that are in the basement."

Ewww, so sorry. Not only was that not funny, it isn't true. "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" is the topping selling children's book at Barnes and Noble, and right behind "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" on Amazon.com. I am sure the sales are no doubt being helped by the attention that Clinton herself has brought to the book. And that, my friends, is the beauty of the American system.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Stupid Is, As Stupid Does


In an attempt to relive the old glory days of the hippy 1970s, the Democrats have hysterically started running to the nearest microphone to scream to the nation we "must end this war." With the some stupid Bob Dylan song playing in the background, Rep. John P. Murtha (D-Pa.) took to the airwaves to today to demand the immediate withdrawal of troops from Iraq.

"The war in Iraq is not going as advertised," Murtha, 73, said in a Capitol Hill news conference while flashing the peace sign to the cameramen. Murtha went on to say the Democrats were toying with idea suing the armed forces for not giving the nation a war as "advertised." The Democrats have become increasing intolerant of war strategies not going as they were working out on paper. A congressional hearing as been called and troops are starting to be questioned by Democrat leaders on why they aren't killing and dying as outlined in the pre-war advertising blitz. Murtha went on to say that American consumers deserve to get the war they paid for!

A clearly upset Ted Kennedy also took to the nation's airwaves to try and gain back some of the thunder Murtha had stolen from him. Ted Kennedy found the closest microphone and apparently said something pro-Democrat, but as of press time the rest of the nation wasn't listening so we don't have any transcripts.

In a beautiful moment of honesty Rep. Rahm Emanuel (Ill.), head of the House Democrats' campaign effort, said, "Jack Murtha went out and spoke for Jack Murtha." As for Iraq policy, Emanuel added: "At the right time, we will have a position." At the right time, we will have a position? Are f***ing kidding me? At the right time? How about now! How about now, when you are calling for pulling our troops home? How about now, before you take to the talk show circuit to rip the Republican's position? How about now, before the newest media polls that appear in the Washington Post and arrive on your doorstep?

Let me see if I have this straight, the Democrats don't have a position. Troops and civilians are dying for freedom in Iraq. Democrats believe we need to cut and run in Iraq. However, they don't have a position on the war? This is why I voted for Bush. I want a leader. Not someone who answers to the opinion polls. He did what he thought was right. History will tell us if he was right, not the constant droning of the Democrats (who by the way, if you haven't been paying attention, don't have a position on the war).

As someone who us born after the Vietnam War, I can tell you I want to see this war to end. I believe Vietnam was the biggest mistake in this country's history, but only because we didn't finish the job. We tried it the tree-hugger way in the 1970s, this time lets finish the job. Don't make the 2,000 lost US troops lives meaningless. If we leave now and the country falls further into chaos, then those 2,000 soldiers will truly have died for no reason. The troops in Iraq have made it clear they want to finish the job. I say give them the resources they need and let them.

On The Campaign Trail For History


Ever vigilant about his place in history, Bill Clinton (pictured) stepped up his campaign to rewrite the past yesterday in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. In the friendly confines of the Middle East, Clinton successfully undercut the current administration and our troops.

Remaining true to his campaign bullet points, President Blue Dress, went on to say "it was a big mistake. The American government made several errors." Yes, truly. However, I believe the error(s) President Whitewater was referring to was not capturing Osama Bin Laden when he was presented to the United States by the Sudan government.

Not that he is a military planner, but he plays one on TV, President "Is" went to say it would have been better if the United States had left Iraq's "fundamental military and social and police structure intact." Yes, that would have been a good idea...had the country not been run by a brutal dictator. What President Hand Job is trying to say, that if he was still the President he would have waited until Iraq created its own democracy with a finely tuned police force, social equality, and a military willing to surrender to the US before he would have invaded. He even a had a name for it...Operation: Wishful Thinking.

In his usual ability to understate the facts, Clinton said the United States had done some good things in Iraq: the removal of Saddam, the ratification of a new constitution and the holding of parliamentary elections. You think? The removal of a murderer who killed thousands of people, yeah that seems good. The ratification of new constitution to form the Middle East's first true democracy seems decent too. The holding of parliamentary elections on the surface looks nice, but I do feel bad as an American to be subjecting the Iraqi people the torturous advertising that accompanies election time. Unfortunately, someday they too may actually elect someone like President Cheat. The beauty of our system, however, is that they should be able to sue us for restitution some time in the future.

To further his legacy campaign, Clinton said he would traveling to other Islamic states to further degrade the US and ruin troop moral in Iraq. Don't worry, the In A Word Politcal Insider will be there when he puts his foot in his mouth with up to date coverage.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Howard Dean: Democrats To Announce Agenda Soon. Well, O.K. Pretty Soon. Well, O.K. Maybe Before The Next Election


In a move unforeseen by the rest of the Democratic party, Howard Dean (pictured) announced on NBC's Meet the Press that the DNC would be releasing an agenda soon. When Tim Russert, Meet The Press' moderator, pressed Dean for specifics, Dean countered with the brilliant "right now it's not our job to give out specifics." Mr. Dean went on to say " we have no control in the House, we have no control in the Senate. " I don't want to assume anything for the DNC (because we all know what assuming does), but I guessing maybe the reason they don't control the House or Senate is because they haven't had a clear agenda for a long time.

The investigative team at In A Word has been digging hard to track down some of the elusive Democratic agenda, but has little success uncovering any. We are lead to believe it has something to do with a "better America." In A Word is very excited about a better America, as opposed to the "crappier America" plan of the Republicans.

The disturbing issues that come from Dean's statements on Meet the Press, is that the Democrats see themselves as the minority party as such do not need to present a solution. However, they obviously believe their duty is to simply tear apart whatever the Republican party is doing. When was the last time you have heard a simple answer from the Democratic leadership? Or a solution that doesn't come at the expense of degrading the President?

Call me cynical, but I am unsure how the Democrats will be able to form an agenda... the opinion polls of Americans change everyday.

When Political Correctness Fails


The In A Word Political Insider has uncovered a chilling revelation concerning the Maryland Senate race in which one of the candidates is Michael Steele. In A Word P.I. has unreliable information from an unconfirmed source that Michael Steele (pictured) is, in fact, black and a Republican. Of course, the news of a black Republican has sent Democrats reeling to the point where they have forgotten the good manners of political correctness.

Being black and a Republican has made it so Mr. Steele has had to endure Oreo cookies being thrown at him during debates. Oreo cookies? I mean lets not confuse the issues or anything. Oreo cookies have always represented anti-Iraqi war sentiment, women's rights...and...and...other things the Democratic Party stands for that they haven't articulated lately to the voters.

I have found the Oreo cookie to be the perfect symbol of everything the Democrats stand for. And frankly, why not bring them to a debate with a black Republican? The Oreo is the perfect blend of cream filling sandwiched between two delightful chocolate cookies.

Oh wait, In A Word P.I. has just received word that Oreos are sometimes used to describe a black individual who has "sold out" to the "white man or otherwise derogatorily known as "Uncle Tom." This can't be! Democrats stooping to such a level? No, no, I am sure they took Oreos to the debate to expound on the greatness of the cookie and how the cookie can help America achieve greatness.

Maybe we should give the Democrats the benefit of the doubt? I am sure they didn't mean to use racial terms in such a negative way.

Monday, November 14, 2005

"Tell Him About The Twinkie... What About The Twinkie?"


The legal team at In A Word have uncovered a rarely used defense in California murder cases. It is called the "Twinkie Defense." I seems in the late 1970s (when the world was still unaware of the potential mind altering side effects of a Twinkie) a former San Francisco city supervisor, Dan White, killed the mayor of San Francisco while hopped up on a Twinkie overdose. And now, a scant 28 years later another Twinkie case has popped up in California courts. However, this time the killer was high on meth and heroin.

If California is any example of brilliant legal precedent, then it high time the nation realizes the dangers of a "golden sponge cake with a creamy filling." My God, what is the world coming too? Have Twinkies been replaced by meth and heroin by the current drug users of this nation looking for a quick fix? In A Word has unconfirmed information from an unidentified source that today's teens are taking Twinkies while chasing then down with a 20oz. of Mountain Dew. One can only shudder at the effects this will have on our society as a whole.

As an emergency precaution, In A Word is calling for a nationwide ban on Twinkies. For the love of your country please switch over to Zingers, the delectable treat from Dolly Madison.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Try Talking With A Mouth Full Of Water


!!BREAKING NEWS!!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog rant on the state of liberal politics to inform you of a late breaking story. Earlier today (November 13, 2005) Ted Kennedy (pictured) took to the nation's airwaves to demand the White House improve its' ethics.

"Clearly there has to be a cleaning of the White House," Kennedy railed. "We have a damaged presidency and a tarnished White House . . . At a time when America should be reflecting its vision of where we want to stand in the world, what we want to do here at home - we are being subsumed by scandal after scandal."

He used the word "subsumed," but I believe the word he was really looking for was "submerged." As in, the car was "submerged" in a pond for hours while the driver tried to figure out a good story for the police and sobered up.

In A Word Action News is now going to go live to our field reporter, Mary Jo Kopechne, with a report on the Ted Kennedy ethics demand for the White House. Mary Jo...

"Gargle, gargle, gargle gargle garble garble...."

Oh, so sorry, we must have a bad connection with Mary Jo. Of course, that sometimes happens when you are dead at the bottom of a pond.

Who Owns Your State?


Thanks to the Reasonable Minds web blog, I learned of a great resource to track money to your politicians: opensecrets.org. Of course, only go there if you are willing to handle the information you will uncover. I spent only a few minutes on the website and came away more frustrated with my Democrat state senator of Iowa, Tom Harkin, than I have been for days. Yes, yes, I know I try to attack Harkin on a hourly basis, however this has renewed my belief that he needs to be removed from Iowa politics.

According to Opensecrets, Tom Harkin raised about $3.8 million. Of that money, only $750,000 actually came from within the state of Iowa (or about 20%). So, for those of you without a calculator that means $3 million (or 80%) came from interests outside of the state. I don't find this at all shocking considering he barely lives in Iowa at all. In fact, other than campaigning or fund raising, I can't say I remember a time worth mentioning that he was actually in Iowa.

For balance, I looked up Charles Grassley (R-IA). Grassley raised in the neighborhood of $2.95 million. 38% came from Iowa and 61% came from out of state. Also, not exactly great numbers, but the disparity is only $650,000 as opposed to $2.3 million for Harkin.

It bothers me that the Iowa state senators need so much outside money in order to run their campaigns. If Tom Harkin was truly a senator for our interests, one would think Iowans would show it with their money. What about your state's politicians, where does their money come from? Do you really want to know?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

If I Had To Pick One Mistake...


During a recent speech Bill Clinton said his administration's "failures included its slowness to act to halt the genocide in Rwanda and the decision to allow federal agents to raid a cult leader's compound in Waco, Texas. " Nearly 80 cult followers died in a fire during the 1993 confrontation.

Yeah, to hell with lying before a grand jury or blowing the biggest chance to catch Osama Bin Laden. Clinton has truly lied so much that he actually is starting to believe his own lies.

Once again Clinton touted the fact that he turned around the economy, but once again gave no examples of how he accomplished that feat. Psst...it is because he doesn't know.

However, with all do respect I do believe one of the greatest achievements of his Presidency was clarifying the meaning of the word "is."

For a good laugh:
"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no. And it would have been completely true." (Bill Clinton, sworn testimony).

So to clarify, Bill Clinton IS a lying cheat. Past, present or future.

Friday, November 11, 2005

R.I.P. Common Sense in California


We are sorry to report after years of failing health, common sense officially died in California on Tuesday November 8, 2005. The death of common sense was not a surprise to the rest of the nation, as Californian's lifestyle has made for a very hard life. Two years ago we believed California was hopefully on the road to recovery when they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor. Sadly, however to proved to be too little too late.

The last few moments of the life for common sense were horrific. Those readers that live in healthy common sense areas of the country may not be able to handle the graphic nature of its demise. You may wish to stop reading now, as California is/was a disease and we don't want to take a chance that it might spread further into the nation's heartland.

Tuesday November 8, 2005 started as any normal election day with an overabundance of promise. First up was Proposition 73 which would have required parental notification for minors having abortions. Common sense began to fade, however, as Californians voted to make it possible for an 11 year old girl to end the life of her child without her parent even knowing about it. Forget about that same child needing parental consent to have her appendix removed or to be able to ingest aspirin during school for a moment, California thought it a good idea to remove the parents even further from the child's life at a time when the child needs them the most. Opponents called it an attack on "teen safety." The life of common sense began to fade as the proposition had an exception for immediate health safety of the child.

As common sense began to experience shortness of breath, proposition 74 came before the voters. Prop 74 called for the lengthening of the time it takes a teacher to became tenured from 2 years to 5 years. A normal American understands you shouldn't necessarily guarantee that an employee can not ever be fired after just two short years on the job. This was not an attack on teachers as the oppositions would have you believe, but rather a common sense proposal to make sure we have the right people teaching our children (not just union people).

Now on artificial respiration, common sense began fading fast. Proposition 75 called for union members to have access to how the union spends it money. The union leadership called it "paycheck deception," and in a stunning bit of irony voters where deceived into voting against Prop. 75. Unions can still secretly spend dues on whatever they want without disclosure.

As common sense went into cardiac arrest during proposition 76 that would have a created a state spending cap. Common sense tells the rest of the nation and a majority of the states that someone should not spend more money than they receive in tax revenues. The opposition called it a "gut to school funding." Nowhere did proposition 76 state that if California could not achieve its' overall budget, that the education budget would be first place lawmakers would go to recover the money shortfall. Rather than use what little common sense Californians had left, they chose to believe the lies and deception of the opposition.

Common sense officially died on proposition 77 which called for a retired panel of judge to handle the redistricting of voting precincts. Instead, Californians believed it to be a better idea to leave the redistricting in the hands of the politicians (you know the people that actually have their jobs due to current district lines). Why have a non-partisan committee decide something that should be void of politics, when ultra-liberal, Democrat politicians could do a more biased job?

We, at In A Word, are calling for the immediate quarantine of California. The state is much like an area after a nuclear blast and should not be inhabited for many years. California truly became so "open minded" that their collective brains finally fell out. If you live in a state with a healthy common sense, please care for it and let California be an example of what your world will look like it if it dies.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Nazi San Francisco


Spitting in the face of history, San Francisco decides to ban hand guns. The citizens of San Francisco may want to vote on more funding for their schools, as their general public seems to be uninformed about a little document the rest of country cherishes called the Constitution.

Anyone know what one of the first things Hitler did in Germany? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? That's right, he outlawed guns and confiscated them!

To all the people that say the police will protect them and they don't need a gun, I point to the fine New Orleans PD as a prime example of why I need the right to bear arms. In fact, it slays me that in a state where natural disasters are a way of life, that Californians would gladly give up one of their basic rights as an American.

I, for one, do not gladly give back rights granted to me by the founding fathers.

Picture Of The Day: A Glorious Monument To The French History Of Appeasement

It is becoming increasingly more difficult to have compassion for the French. How many times has history shown them appeasement doesn't work? Yet here we are in the middle of another French diplomatic disaster.

Ironic is the fact that France, with its' very anti-Iraq war stance, is now being overrun with rioting by Islamic extremists.

Maybe the French could invite Osama Bin Laden for a photo op in front of the Eiffel Tower it would make a great companion piece for the one with Hitler.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Concerned About Terrell Owen's Family's Welfare, Domino's Pizza Delivery Driver Refuses Tip


In a stunning show of compassion for a someone he has never meet, Domino's Pizza delivery driver, James McDevitt, of Philadelphia refused to accept a tip from the improvised $49 million wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles.

The diehard Eagles fan delivered what he said was about $20 worth of pizza to Owens' house last night. McDevitt left the $5 tip on the porch.

"He needs it to feed his family," said McDevitt, poking fun at the reason Owens cited for demanding a new contract this summer.

Knock, Knock. Who's There? Scientists Trying To Funny

I found this article to be very amusing; in a sad, scientific sort of way. Unfortunately, the women reading this article will be waiting and wondering what is the punchline. However, maybe this article does explains why I don't find Ellen DeGeneres very funny. Nuk, nuk, nuk...

Monday, November 07, 2005

The Hizzle Represen' From The G-State Wants Word Up For Tupac Mutha

Who says they don't get anything accomplished in Washington D.C.? Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) introduces a bill for the "expeditious disclosure of records relevant to the life and death of Tupac Amaru Skakur."

Beware Of The Unnamed Source


I have noticed lately how sloppy news articles and editorial statements are getting these days. We are being thrown a lot of information with unconfirmed sources. The newspapers expect us to trust their sources, but the last two years have taught us newspapers aren't verifying their own reporters, let alone their sources.

How many times have you heard or read something alone these lines: "a longtime, and angry, GOP strategist," or "a senior White House aide," or "a source within the office of the White House," or "a GOP pollster?"

It is time to get rid of the unnamed sources. There hasn't been a single unnamed source without a hidden agenda (and that includes Deep Throat). However, the press is the one deciding who's agenda is o.k. to base stories on and use as fact. If the story needs a source for verification find the name of real person or don't run the story, it really is that simple.

Reading a news article with an unnamed source is the same as reading fiction. As you flip through the news today make a mental note of how many unnamed sources you hear.

"I believe you will find the press is very sloppy in the confirmation of their sources, but yet the general public will still believe them," a source within the In-A-Word blog website said this morning in between bites of a bagel.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Wanted: 120,000 People For Questioning In Connection To A Stolen Election


John Kerry (pictured) believes the 2004 election was stolen from him. Rather then focusing on how much of the nation doesn't believe in the ideals of a extreme, leftist Senator from a extreme, leftist state; John Kerry plays the victim. Typical...

Maybe I would vote for a Democratic again if they would stop pushing elitist, Massachusetts politicians on me. Wake up Democratic party! We need some good politcal discourse in this country again. Finally get Kerry and Kennedy to shut up. Please.

The Continuing Demise of Common Sense

I would like to find the magical amount of money someone needs to earn before they start to loss common sense. Is it $150,000? Half a million? Or does it take millions of dollars? I bring this up because the NBA just instituted a dress code for the 2005-2006 season. You know a dress code like your everyday office worker wears, not hip-hop gangsta attire usually seen on the sidelines at a NBA game.

Well, Allen Iverson is taking a stand. If the NBA is going to mandate a dress code, Mr. Iverson believes the NBA should pay for it. I mean when you are making a measly $16 million a year one can not be expected to pay for his own clothes. What a complete lack of intelligence on the part of Mr. Iverson. Once again high profile, overpaid star opens his mouth and says something to offend about 98% of the nation.

You see, Mr. Iverson, most companies in the real world have dress codes. It is usually an understanding between the employer and the employee that if the employee wishes to work there they will follow the dress code.

"I feel like if they want us to dress a certain way, they should pay for our clothes," said Philadelphia's Allen Iverson. "It's just tough, man, knowing that all of a sudden you have to have a dress code out of nowhere.

I know it is "tough" man...

Realty check, Mr. Iverson, they do "pay for your clothes." They pay you $16 million dollars a friggin' year to put a round ball in a hoop (although you don't put the ball in the hoop as well as the rest of the league as your shot % is only 41%).

In the spirit of fairness, please feel free to visit Mr. Ivesrson's official website, because he wants to clear up any misunderstanding on the dress code issue.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

A Bridge To Nowhere


Alaska is set to receive $941 for transportation projects from the federal government and the nation's taxpayers. The worst of the pork spending is the creation of a bridge that connects 50 people on the island of Gravina to the 8,000 in the town of Ketchikan (which is already serviced by a ferry). Don Young (R-Rep Alaska) said the bridge "will be a huge boom to an otherwise struggling economy." You think? The total spending bill will bring $3,206 of pork to Alaska for every man, women and caribou in the state.

When congress decided to re-address the issue in the face of the mounting needs in New Orleans from the destruction caused by hurricane Katrina, Ted Stevens (R-Senator Alaska) fought to keep the money for Alaska. Forget the fact that the Anchorage Daily News had citizens calling for the state to give back the money to help New Orleans, Stevens and Young stood firm.

In fact Stevens went as far as to make this quote: "I don't kid people, if the senate decides to discriminate against our state--I will resign from this body."

Sounds good to me, Ted. Get your resume ready...

But no, we (as a nation) were really close to redirecting the money where is was needed and getting rid of a grandstanding senator at the same time. However, congress voted against the amendment to divert the funds on a vote of 82-15. Ew, so sorry no common sense today...

Where Is The Media Approval Polls?


Wow, President Bush's approval rating has gone down. Huh? That's weird, I mean considering everything you hear in the press is that the world is a festering pile of dog snot. Everyday the press decides what the public is going to focus, and the then has the gall to sponsor a poll on the optimism of the nation.

It makes you wonder about the agenda of the press. Here is a poll about the Scooter Libby and CIA leak case. Notice that 1 in 10 Americans think anything is wrong! Only 10% of the country cares about the story, but 100% of media outlets run it as their lead story. Why? Because every journalist that comes out of college wants to be the next Woodward and Bernstein.

Also, lost in the recent polls is the fact that congress' approval rating is at an amazing 37%, or 2% lower than Bush. Yeah, I am guessing the country doesn't have a problem with Bush as it does with politicians in general. And believe me, when we see a poll on the confidence of congress, we aren't getting the approval rating for the two whats-their-name senators from Alaska, we are getting the approval rating of the microphone loving senators. Yeah, that would be likes of Delay, Harkin, Kerry, Kennedy, Lott, and Clinton. So, it rubs me the wrong way when they get on their soap boxes and tell me the country is heading in the wrong direction. According to the country, the American citizens have more faith in Bush than in congress.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Zero Intelligence Policy


I know this story is about a year old, but it cracks me up everytime I read it. A sixth grader in New Jersey was suspended for a month for allegedly threatening his teacher with a Nutter Butter. The incident happened when the teacher was out of the classroom. Jules Gabriel stood up in front of the class and said something about the Nutter Butter being "dangerous" and that it would protect him from detention.

I am guessing he had a whole box of Nutter Butter, because lets face it a simple snack pak of a Nutter Butter doesn't seem that imposing. I mean if you had a cache of Nutter Butters that is one thing, but a small, concealed snack pak should not pose a threat.

Has the world lost it's collective mind? The school superintendent said at the time "the boy has shown no remorse." No remorse, are you kidding me? Jules probably hadn't stopped laughing by then. The superintendent went on to say they were worried about the teacher's "welfare."

As a follow up to the story, Jules Gabriel is a top student in his class and had never been in detention. One could guess (by having been through elementary school myself) that Jules may have been having a little fun. I mean if he was waving a gun, mace, a knife, a box cutter, rope, or a can of agent orange above his head and threatening a teacher that would have been a serious matter.

I know school violence is a big deal, but when did we did we stop using common sense?

As a public service, I have included a picture to show the public what to do if someone threatens you with a loaded nutter butter snack pak...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Wanted: President with ESP


The Bush administration detailed plans for avian influenza pandemic on Wednesday. Like mindless drones, the left dog-piled on plan before thinking.

"It should have happened five years ago," said Dr. Allan Rosenfield, dean of the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University in New York.

You mean it should have happened five years ago...before we knew it existed? Ow, the pain...mind is melting...reason is draining out of my brain...

As a side note, when did we start quoting doctors from the "Mailman" school of public health? Were the doctors from the "garbage collector" school of public health too busy?

A Simpler Time

I have been a comics connoisseur since I was a awkward, elementary kid in Ames, Iowa. I had a weird fascination with reading the newspaper everyday. I read the entire paper, but I always started with the comics. Lets face it, the news could wait; but Calvin and Hobbs needed my attention first. Would the water balloon hit Suzy that had been launched from Calvin's treehouse during a meeting of the G.R.O.S.S. club? This was truly the pressing issue for me, whether not Oliver North was a criminal didn't really concern me. O.K. maybe it did, but in an attempt to not be to a strange child I still read the comics first.

Then in 1995 there was no more Calvin and Hobbs. The worst part about the void Calvin and Hobbs left in the comics page was that in 1995 I was an adult. As a kid I read the comics for fun, as an adult the comics were an escape from the misery found throughout the rest of the paper (especially in the sports section...try being a ISU Cyclones fan).

Until recently I was unaware of a great comic that could have been filling the void of Calvin and Hobbs during these last 10 years...Red and Rover. Red is a 10 year old boy how loves space, baseball and model rocketry. Rover is his dog and guardian angel. Of course, Red understands and hears Rover. Red and Rover is set in a time where P.C. meant "polite and courteous." It is almost a pseudo 1960s. His parents are always there for him and his dad has the same sense of humor as Calvin's dad.

Other than Fox Trot, Red and Rover is the only new comic that I try to follow every day or week. If your local paper carries Red and Rover consider yourself lucky, if not bookmark the Red and Rover comics page and get away from real life for a few moments every day.

I leave you with a few quotes from the Calvin and Hobbs comic strip:

Hobbes: " Do you think there's a God?"
Calvin: "Well, somebody's out to get me."

Calvin: "Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination."

Calvin: "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Calvin: "God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Postal


I just received in the mail an advertisement for the United States Postal Service. Why? I know they exist. Small children know they exist. Even people in Tennessee know they exist. So why are they advertising with our tax dollars? I know the Christmas season is upon us, but I have a very hard time accepting the US government advertising against the private sector.

Lets face it the USPS is not a perfect business model of profitability. In fact, the reason it exists is to provide a basic mail service to our country. It has certainly lost its fair share of money throughout its existence, but as a basic service it is needed.

However, what the postal service should not be doing is competing against private sector companies like UPS, DHL, and FedEx. These companies should not have to fight for your attention with a government run business that constantly loses money. If UPS loses enough money they will just go out of business, if the US Postal Service loses money they just go to congress and ask for more.

We are a free market country. The more government involves themselves in the business world the more we slide down the slippery slope towards greater government involvement in our lives.


I am not saying get rid of the Postal Service. No. I just want it to be the basic service it was designed to be and let the private companies handle the rest of countries needs. Besides when you use UPS, DHL, and FedEx you can get service on Columbus Day and every other worthless holiday the USPS takes off.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Sloppy Seconds

Ewwww, so sorry I did I think that in my head or say it out loud?

CBS reporter John Roberts asked the following question (during a press conference announcing Samuel Alito as Bush's choice as a Supreme Court nominee) : "So, Scott, you said that -- or the President said, repeatedly, that Harriet Miers was the best person for the job. So does that mean that Alito is sloppy seconds, or what?"

Mr. John Roberts went on to say his comments weren't meant to infer sexual connotations.

Perhaps we could get a comment from former President Clinton on the meaning of "sloppy seconds?" Because if there was a president who knows about...oh never mind...

Talking Out Both Sides of Your Mouth


Few politicians try to have it both ways as much as Tom Harkin. Anyone who lives in Iowa can tell that Mr. Harkin is not a real Iowan. He doesn't act like one, and he certainly doesn't spend enough time in Iowa to be considered one. But, however he is one hell of a glad-hand politician that tries to straddle the fence as much as possible without committing to anything major. Then, if by chance, we get him to commit on an issue which ends up turning against him in the future we get to watch as he passes his failed responsibility to someone else.

Tom Harkin lied during his run for re-election verses Greg Ganske in 2002. The possible war in Iraq was popular then, so of course Mr. Harkin was on board. He voted for the resolution to use force against Iraq (check his voting record). Greg Ganske, who was his opponent at the time was also for the war.

Mr. Harkin would have you believe he was trying to send a message to Saddam by voting for the resolution to use force so we could open up a diplomatic solution with Iraq. Sure, Tom, right. Of course, this about face on an issue is fairly common with Mr. Harkin, but only happened after the war in Iraq's popularity started going down in the polls.

He then turned his failure (the fact that he voted for the war, but now regrets it) to President Bush. Rather than own up to his own failed judgment, he said Bush had "lied" to the country (Des Moines Register article March 7, 2003). The problem with Mr. Harkin not accepting the responsibility for his voting record is that he serves on the Senate Appropriations subcommittee on Defense. As such, he was able to look at the same intelligence that President Bush used to base his decision on to go to war.

The only thing that changed about Tom Harkin's stance on Iraq was not whether he felt it was right war to be fighting, but instead the popularity of the war in the opinion polls. He used the war to get elected (by voting for it), then two short years later tried helping other Democrats get elected by opposing the war.

"I am not going to be fooled twice," Harkin said about his voting record on Iraq. Good, I hope that means he will start thinking for himself for awhile, and use the resources available from his Senate subcommittee appointments to form an opinion of his own.

However, lucky for Harkin, the citizens of Iowa have been fooled more than once by him yet we continue to send him to Washington D.C...

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and get elected to the Senate over and over and over again."