Thursday, August 31, 2006
Click here for the link [Via Drudge Report, Ace of Spades, and Jenny here in the comment section].
Excuse me for cutting this post short, but the rage is starting well up inside me...
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
"He [Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell and Strickland's opponent] used the power of his state office to try to intimidate Ohioans and suppress the Democratic vote," said Kerry's e-mail, "[he] used his office to abuse our democracy and threaten basic voting rights."Now I can only guess that with Kerry focusing on Secretaries of State that may have unduly affected their respective state's elections, one can deduce that the Jim Nussle campaign shall be receiving the same support from the failed Presidential candidate. How long did Iowa's Secretary of State, Chet Culver, hold back Iowa results? A month?
Kerry's email also went on to severely question the results from his board school class president elections in 1962.
"Lloyd Macdonald used the power of his father, a teacher at St. Paul's, to coerce my classmates into voting for him," Kerry's email continued.When asked for a response to Kerry's comments, St. Paul's 1962 Class President, Lloyld Macdonald, had this to say:
"I find Flounder's [Kerry's nickname during boarding school] statements to be a little ironic considering he was always the teacher's pet. He spent most of his time emulating his idol, President John F. Kennedy. Heck, he even signed his papers with their shared initials, JFK. Of course, everyone else in school knew what the letters JFK really stood for: Just For Kerry."
Monday, August 28, 2006
Here is the Smurf Whacker's 2006 roster:
Aaron Brooks [QB]
Donovan McNabb [QB]
Kevan Barlow [RB]
Edgerrin James [RB]
Deuce Mc Allister [RB]
Clinton Portis [RB]
David Boston [WR]
Marvin Harrison [WR]
Joe Horn [WR]
Santana Moss [WR]
Javon Walker [WR]
Matt Stover [K]
Tampa Bay [DEF]
I am fairly happy with the running backs and quarterback, but I feel that I need to pick up a couple more solid wide receivers. I plan on keeping my eye for injuries and breakout rookies. I have been lucky in the past with some of my acquisitions, hopefully the same will hold true for this year.
What's next pulling Lost all together because it contains images of a plane crash? Cancelling 24, because it deals with terrorism? I am all for compassion and respect for the dead and those who are mourning, but really how many people watch the Emmy's anyway. I mean was on NBC after all. In fact, I guessing more people will watch it today on the blogosphere then actually watched it last night.
Come on, it wasn't like it was a skit with a masturbating bear or Max Weinberg having sex with himself. Then it would have been classic Conan.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
I would just like to take this time to express my undying gratitude for all the unselfish work a carny must do. It is a thankless job, but one that is needed for society to function properly. And while my Raven post may have sounded as though I think carnies are sexual perverts, I was merely playing up to the stereotype for a cheap joke. Just because carnies look like they are undressing every women that walks by does mean anything....
Friday, August 25, 2006
- "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" - Vizzini
- "How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Some day they may be scarce." - Captain Renault
- "So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet
- "I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage
- "Unless I am wrong; and I am never wrong." - Prince Humperdinck
Thursday, August 24, 2006
"That’s alright. You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair."Fair, you incompetent fool? Your leadership during Katrina was a how-not manual of running a city during a crisis. You complain well, but the next time you are comforted with criticism of your leadership, how about owning up to your failures? Just a thought, because referring to someone else's tragedy is a little tacky. Tacky like the green-haired, goth hooker with 50 piercing [with at least 10 in her lip] who propositioned me in the French Quarter while I was visiting my mother about 10 years ago.
And for those that are wondering, my reply was "who is suppose to pay who?" Ah, New Orleans....
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Watch the white trash walking, severely questioning what they wore,
Staring in amazement and laughing, with eyes wide and caustiously scanning,
I see only five teeth remain through the smile they make while they implore,
"Stop eying my 5th grade daughter," I mutter, she's not your next score,
The fair has barely started, I can only imagine what's in store.
A day to remember, on this day when it was almost September,
Buy an Oreo deep fried or a Twinkie on a stick for dollars four,
Already wishing it was the 'morrow, because of mass cash I must borrow,
Forty-five minutes into the five hours we must spend, the kids are starting to bore,
"Look a big pig or funny looking man...hey Dad I am starting to bore,"
The whining will reach a level that can't be ignored.
We went to find our seats near the stage, too many people I begin to rage,
A two hour wait to see the Raven of the Disney channel yore,
"Is it time to go?" is asked still 60 minutes from the start of the show,
I must give the mad props for starting the show promptly at four,
She came out rapping, singing, dancing across the stage floor,
To prepubescence screams crying "more, more, more!'
Merclessly the day starts winding, I hope the car we will have no trouble finding,
But past the carnies one last time we must walk, "you can't lose" they still implore,
In Metallica shirts that barely fit, they are relentless in peddling their s....
The hole in my wallet is deep and painful, and wonder what I did this fore?
Sunburned and tired with feet that are blistered and sore,
I've had my fill of the fair, no more!
No flippin' more!
Not only was August 22 not doomsday, but it further shows how far the Bush administration will go to instill fear into the hearts of Americans. Not unlike the honorable Hugo Chavez, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinallahisabomb is merely made to look like the enemy to draw attention away from the real anti-Christ; our own Dick Cheney, the true President of the United States [Karl Rove is the Vice President]. Israel is the terrorist state. Iraq is a quagmire in the amidst of a civil war. Those arrested in connection of the "alleged" terrorist attempt to blow up planes bound from the UK to the US, were simply homesick travellers looking to get home to their mommies. Terrorism actually does not exist and 9/11 was staged to give Bush a reason to bomb camels and tents in Afghanistan.
Now if you will be so kind as to excuse me, I must now retire and place my head back in the sand.
So, maybe August 22 wasn't doomsday...this time.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
I don't suppose it would be asking too much of Loren Michaels expect it to be funny again. How about starting with an occasionally smirk or two and we will go from there...
Monday, August 21, 2006
Metropolitan Police deputy assistant commissioner Peter Clarke said the investigation was "immense" and would go on for many months.So, I quickly rush over to Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish to get his take on these new charges, but conspiculousy there is no update. Remember, Mr. Sullivan lamanted:
He said video and audio recordings, bomb-making equipment, electrical components, hydrogen peroxide and martyrdom videos had been found.
"We have found more than 400 computers, 200 mobile telephones and 8,000 items of removable storage media such as memory sticks, CDs and DVDs," he said.
He added: "I would like to reassure the public that we are doing everything we can to keep you safe ... however we must be realistic.
"The threat from terrorism is real. It is here, it is deadly and it is enduring." [Sky News]
I'd be interested in the number of plotters who had passports. How could they even stage a dummy-run with no passports? And what bomb-making materials did they actually have? These seem like legitimate questions to me; the British authorities have produced no evidence so far. If the only evidence they have was from torturing someone in Pakistan, then they have nothing that can stand up in anything like a court.Well, Andrew appearantly the Brittish authorities believe their charges will stand up in court. They, of course, might be privy to information that you don't have, but that is pure spectulation on my part.
Then again, maybe there is some worthless senate race that swung towards the Democratic side this past weekend and Bush administration forced the Brits into issuing a bunch of trumped up charges to divert the media's attention. Then again, maybe not...
I would suggest the Andrew and the rest of the left take Metropolitan Police deputy assistant commissioner Peter Clarke's words to heart: "The threat from terrorism is real. It is here, it is deadly and it is enduring."
I will be honest it is going to be a test of my manhood to deal with the fact that my stalker is male. I guess I always hoped it would be a female, but a groupie is a groupie. I imagine he has notebook pages full of "Jordan N' Satan Together 4ever" and "Mrs. Satan Jordan."
Sorry, Glen I am a taken man, it's best that you just try on move on now. The pain of my rejection will numb over time and you will find another blogger to latch on to. Lets face it, we are too different of people for it to ever work. You're the prince of darkness, I straddle the lines of Christianity. You use profanity like a fifth grader, I graduated from high school. You like men, I sleep with my wife every night.
So, genius let me offer you some free advice: if you can't handle the blogosphere writing about your juvenile personalized license plates, then I suggest you don't have newspaper articles written about you.
Man, you are such a SMF [which could mean smurfs masturbating furiously, but it doesn't so don't get excited].
Sunday, August 20, 2006
(Unknown) Mr. Fist, would you raise your right...um...hand, please? Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you're about to give in this matter will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Mr. Fist: I do [thumb up for emphasis]
Sol Wisenberg: Good morning.
Mr. Fist: Good morning to you too, sir.
Sol Wisenberg: My name is Sol Wisenberg. I'm a deputy independent counsel with the Office of Independent Counsel of the Department of the Independent Council Affairs of the Declaration of Independence.
At the courthouse are the ladies and gentlemen of the grand jury prepared to receive your testimony as you give it. Do you understand, sir?Mr. Fist: Yes.
Sol Wisenberg: Mr. Fist, were you physically intimate with Mrs. Culver?
Mr. Fist: Can you please define the word "were?"
Sol Wisenberg: Were: "used with the present participle of a verb to express a continuing action."
Mr. Fist: Oh, well in the that case: I...did not...have sexual...relations...with that woman. "Having" would more clearly define our relationship.
When pressed on how the Democrats had planned to balance the budget, Dean simply replied "leprechauns."
"There are pots o' gold at the ends of a rainbow, we just need to figure out how to find them," Dean explained while holding the Democrats' Plan for America's Fiscal Independence above his head [pictured], "if Bush hadn't diverted our resources with a needless war in Iraq, we would have found them by now."
Friday, August 18, 2006
Situation A: My Posts From Juice
Back on dmJuice.com I wrote a couple of posts dealing with Chet Culver's emphatic debate fist. You can reacquaint yourself with those posts here and here. Throughout both of those posts I implied Mrs. Culver was having an affair with the fist [to be clear, that would also be her husband's fist]. I felt I was not vulgar, and left most of the conclusions to be drawn by the reader.
Situation B: Juice Reader Brickbat's comments on dmJuice.com [subsequently deleted by Juice]
Brickbat claims I crossed a line by saying Mrs. Culver was having an affair with her husband's fist. I claimed it was satire. He claimed I wouldn't like it if some talked about my wife like that. I countered with I wouldn't care and I said I certainly wouldn't censor their speech. Brickbat's response to my reply was something along these lines:
"Hey Jordan, I hope the nearest convicted sex offender rapes and fist fucks your wife in the parking lot of your roach infested 'small business.'"Now it is your turn, dear readers, did we both cross the line of decency or am I right in thinking that Brickbat is one seriously disturbed human being? There is civil discourse and then there is Brickbat's comments. We can debate, but not when the opposition proposes felonies against people they disagree with.
To further illustrate my point may I direct your attention to my previous post and the comments that accompany it...
Thursday, August 17, 2006
"I don't know what to do, but I don't think so," said Keenan, a lifelong Iowan from Jefferson County. "It's not an obscene message. I really don't understand why I wouldn't be allowed to keep them."Oh, Glen understands why he can't keep them, he's just playing dumb [or maybe he isn't playing?]. You see the ITMFA stands for "Impeach the Mother Fucker Already." If you have your tin foil hats handy you can visit their site here.
"I don't know what the big deal is with mine," said Keenan, 41. "My plate isn't vulgar. It's simply a series of letters than can mean any number of things."No, Glen it's called intent and you know it. However, I actually hope he gets to keep his childish license plate, because websites like ITMFA.com do more to hurt people like Glen and their own credibility. No sane person would take anything Glenn Keenan has to say seriously. He has and will continue to ruin his own reputation. I say, let him continue to do so. Besides, when was the last time you acted on what you saw on a license plate? "Hey, that PT Cruiser has a license plate that says impeach Bush. You're on plate, let's do it! I always let thin pieces of metal screwed to a car do my thinking for me."
"Sure," he said. "It can mean 'Impeach the Miserable Failure Already.' Or it could mean 'Information Technology Masters Fine Arts.' You could think of lots of things. I mean, any vehicle with an 'F' on the license plate could be objectionable to somebody."
However, what makes Glenn my nomination for In A Word's Cordless Power Tool of the Week, is the fact that he poses with his children next to his political slogans. That's just great Glenn, how about letting your kids be kids without using them as pawns. Time to grow up you SMF [which of course could stand for my "super mature friend," but then we both know it doesn't].
[H/T Real World Politico]
Job Performance and Review
Employee's name: American Troops
Reviewing Supervisor: Howard Dean, Chairman DNC.
Knowledge of Work:
The general manner in which this war as been fought suggests a general lack of proper planning. Why you didn't used a little hindsight before you went to war is troubling to Democrats. Mr. Dean has played America's Army and he knows how to win a war. Even the press knows how to win a war. So why doesn't the average GI know who to win a war?
Quality of Work:
It started with Abu Ghraib prison and has went downhill fast. John Kerry warned us you had been terrorizing women and children, but no one listened. What followed were murders and atrocities that only Ghengis Khan could have dreamt of.
Quality of Work [timeliness]:
As every Democrat knows, the maximum time it takes to invade a country, wage a war, overthrow a government, rebuild the infrastructure, create a new Constitution, ratify said Constitution, elect officials, create a new justice system, and undo thousands of years of fighting and killing in the Middle East is exactly 2 years and 45 days. Clearly you have failed to complete your work in a timely manner.
Attention to Safety:
Humanitarian organizations report civilian deaths in upwards of 100,000 [mostly cute little children]. This is completely unacceptable. It has been made clear you are to fight the enemy while not harming their human shields.
Goals and Objectives:
It's not in the DNC's nature to offer solutions and objectives before a problem arises, however we believe everyone else should. The DNC exists to tell you what has gone wrong, after it has gone wrong. In absence of a coherent thought we have decided is time to relieve you of duty and bring home all troops by December 2006. We have no doubt that once the American presence in Iraq is eliminated, the country will magically create a democracy on its' own. History has taught us that democracies spontaneously form out of thin air [in a bloodless way, of course] all the time, you just have to click your heels together. You will be eligible of unemployment benefits; Mr. Lieberman can show you how to fill out the forms.
You job performance has been horrible. The best words to describe the situation in Iraq is quagmire and civil unrest. Thousands of innocent people are killed everyday in your skirmishes with the insurgents. Terrorists are basically running the country. We would have been better off leaving Saddam Hussein in power.
So, in closing the DNC would like to say how much we support the troops and job you are doing. Keep up the...er...good work...
Is it time for the photo shoot?
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
The leftwingnutosphere has been a buzz with the idea that the foiled 8/10 terror plot in England was just a ruse by two of the greatest practical jokers the world has ever known, President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair. According to Andrew Sullivan this fake bust on an "alleged" terror ring was nothing more than a diversion from the greatest Democratic primary victory ever and to steal Ned Lamont's thunder, overshadow Israel's defeat, and the mask the Iraqi quagmire:
I wonder if Lieberman's defeat, the resilience of Hezbollah in Lebanon, and the emergence of a Hezbollah-style government in Iraq had any bearing on the decision by Bush and Blair to pre-empt the British police and order this alleged plot disabled.I wonder a few things also, Mr. Sullivan, but they all deal with white coats and padded cells.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If Bush and Blair don't bring in terrorists "they aren't doing enough to keep us safe." If Bush and Blair bring in terrorists "they are merely parading some two-bit wannabe terrorists in front of the press for political points."
Give me a break. How about spending less time thinking every action by the Bush administration is some deep, dark sinister conspiracy? And instead of complaining, how about offering a few solutions? A novel idea I know, but I am just throwing it out there...
[H/T Protein Wisdom and IowaHawk for the Oujia Board picture]
I lay awake all the Jurassic period thinking of you, your moist smile, and our tryst in the mountains. Lustfully, I recall our meeting, how my heart screwed with deceit when I first saw you. How bizarre you looked in that yellow jock strap and those two moldy socks on your warts!
I cherished every moment we were together and was flat when our date came to a close. I can't say how anxiously I regret spilling urine on your arm pit; you were excited about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you're excited.
You're barren most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of Dr. Pepper, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as howler monkeys. Your lips are like succulent grits. Your hair is green like a wombat on a summer's day. Your moles are two tiny rhombuses of dumb ass pasty white conservative blogger.
I can't wait to waste with you again. Write soon.
The Readers of In A Word
And for giggles, I put the Mad Lib in the Dialectizer to see how our homeboy, Iranian President Mahmood Ahmallahisabomb would have written the Love Letter to his hoes...
I lay awake all de Jurassic puh'iod dinkin' uh ya', yo' moist smile, and our tryst in de mountains. Lustfully, ah' recall our meetin', how mah' heart screwed wid deceit when ah' fust saw ya'. How bizarre ya' looked in dat yellow jock strap and dose two moldy socks on yo' warts! Right on! I cherished every moment we wuz togeda' and wuz flat when our date came t'a close. ah' can't say how anxiously ah' regret spillin' urine on yo' arm pit; ya' wuz 'sited about it, however, fo' which ah' am grateful. You's is so fine when youse 'sited. Youse barren most oda' times. Yo' eyes is likes deep pools uh Doc Peppuh', warmed in de moonlight. Man! Yo' cheeks is as rosy as howla' monkeys. Yo' lips is likes succulent grits. Yo' fro be green likes some wombat on some summer's day. Slap mah fro! Yo' moles is two tiny rhombuses uh dumb ass pasty honky conservative blogger. Ah be baaad... I kin't wait t'wuzte wid ya' again. 'S coo', bro. Scribble soon. 'S coo', bro.
Furiously , De Eyeballers uh In A Wo'd
He gives a fire and brimstone speech about the effects of global warming and how those that drive gas guzzling SUVs are directly responsible. Drive hybrids he shouted. Drive environmentally friendly cars, as it your duty as an American and a Democrat.
Then he left the meeting in his GMC Envoy SUV.
That was former President Bill Clinton personal assessment of turning 60 years old.
Apparently, it creeps out the young 20 year old interns to have a someone old enough to be their grandfather hitting on them.
Clinton added, "I am still coming to grips with the fact that Hillary is now sexy one in our power marriage of convenience."
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I will give a list of nouns, adjectives, etc. and you guys use the comment section [In Your Words] to give me suggestions. I will compile the ones I like the most and insert them into a predetermined Mad Lib. I will not manipulate the story at all as I will insert the words randomly.
Get creative. You guys regularly make me laugh out when I read the comments, so I know you can come up with some funny items. I will post the reader generated Mad Lib tomorrow, so you have all day to think.
Oldies but goodies from the past for me have been: Mary - Mom of God, the use of a cuss words, liquids, topical references and sexual references.
The story is called: "Love Letter"
- plural noun
- abstract noun
- abstract noun
- past tense verb
- present tense verb
- geographical terrain
Sunday, August 13, 2006
4 Shizzle my peeps, Master MyMood has finally got the hook up with a bling blog. I'll be slinging it hardcore and keeping the infidels in my crosshairs. I am the leader of a rogue Middle East country [I am not telling you which one for privacy reasons]. Over the next few weeks I will be tackling conspiracy theories such as the Holocaust and the world being round.
So sit back, strap on some high explosives and let me blow your mind.
Please remember to bookmark my blog and don't forget to link back if you reference my blog. It about hit counts baby! And let keep it clean in the comments, save the lewd dialogue for your virgins in the afterlife.
[H/T My Left Wing]
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Jordan: Hey, you know it isn't like that. Besides, you will always be my first blog.
In A Word: Are you going to leave me every time some high traffic blog walks by with that "come hither and write for us" look in their eyes?
Jordan: Well...you know how it is. A blogger can blog, can't he?
In A Word: Oh I know alright. For the last six months you have used me to host pictures that Juice wouldn't publish on their server. You've come and used my links section to visit your favorite sites, but never once opened up and wrote something exclusively for me. Maybe it would have been better if you would have just deleted me.
Jordan: Whoa...whoa...whoa! We never said I couldn't see other blogs. And besides right before I left for Juice I gave you a nice, crisp, sharp looking new template.
In A Word: I never asked for the rain droplet background. You were the one that made me feel inferior. You were the one that couldn't handle the fact that thousands of other Blogger blogs looked just like me.
Jordan: Oh, I see how it is. It's all about me now, is it? How about the times you froze up and I lost hours of hard work? Or the times you would go down for hours or days at a time? God only knows how much traffic has been lost to your temperamental behavior.
In A Word: ...
In A Word: So, where does this leave us?
Jordan: Lets just take it one day at a time and see what happens.
In A Word: Yeah, o.k. I have to admit it is kind of nice having you back, but I do have one favor to ask you.
Jordan: What's that?
In A Word: Any chance you can get yourself checked for viruses? You never know where those Juice blogs have been...
I have never taken my blog too serious, so I hope none of the readers do either. The sarcasm flows freely in both directions, but comes so much easier when I bash the left. If you were to travel back to the very first post I did here on In A Word you would find that I implored the readers to think for themselves. Just because I say something or the Des Moines Register says something doesn't make it true. The wonderful things about the blog is that I can link to what I think is important and you, the reader, can go view it for yourself. Maybe you will agree, maybe you won't, but the point is you made your own decision.
Scour the internet and you will find stories of large newspapers struggling with the rise of the blog. Major newspapers trying to cope with new electronic competition have developed their own blog sites, only to find they don't generate the traffic that the independent blogs do. Why? For the very reason I was kicked off of Juice, because the blog exists for one person's opinion to be heard. However, newspapers like to control their content and with a blog that is nearly impossible.
The "In Your Words"section on this blog is the place to make your voice heard. I have never censored or removed a comment, and believe me after this week I probably never will.
Friday, August 11, 2006
After about six months of trying to drive traffic for dmJuice.com, I have been set free due to the post directly underneath this one. I made a statement about the subject matter they allow on their blogs and what they don't. Ironically, I almost prefaced my final Juice post with "this will probably be my final Juice post," simply because it has become apparent the higher ups at the Register can't take a joke. Whether Cavan Reagan, Juice Online Content Manager, was being honest with me or not, but he claimed the decision to remove me from Juice was from higher up in the Des Moines Register. I hate conspiracies, but...
Further irony is that with the new Word Press update they installed I was able to tag any outgoing links with titles. When I linked to the "Confidential Juice Memo" I tagged the link with "It's called satire" and randomly linked another word in the post to a definition of the word "satire."
Not to brag [ok, I am], but I leave Juice as the blogger with the highest traffic and far and away the most comments. With both Corrie Goforth and I gone in the same week, I am having a hard time thinking who is going to be driving traffic to the Juice blogs. Isaiah? Romelle? Michael? Kelli? No offense to those bloggers, but they are exactly engaging.
Moving forward I am working with Kevin Schmidt, Daren Jaques [and hopefully IrishWalsh] to create a blog called The Corn Beltway Boys. I am extremely excited about getting to write along side these guys. It should be a lot of irrelevant fun.
Anyway In A Word will be a buzz with activity now that I don't blog for Juice. I will still be writing as much as I did on Juice. It was time for a change away and as I said in my final Juice post, I really felt like I was throttling my creativity on Juice. In a weird way it is nice to be back on In A Word for awhile.
It feels like a warm comfy quilt wrapped around me.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
The content of the email:
|From: Cavan Reagan < email@example.com >|
I just wanted to reiterate our content guidelines for blogging on Juice. We have had some questionable posts recently and I want to make sure everyone is aware of Juice's expectations. The following should be used as a guideline:
Acceptable topics for Juice:
- Drug addiction / fascination
- Sleeping with married men
- Threatening Juice staff members with bodily harm
- Posting pictures of yourself in swanky NYC clubs
- Cartoons of Mohammad
- Drinking and driving. Bonus points for repeat offensives.
- Bashing everyday people [ex. soccer moms]
- Creating a fake email from the Chet Culver campaign insinuating a libel suit against the Des Moines Register and a sexual encounter between Mrs. Culver and a fist.
The Juice Staff
A praying mantis has taken up residence outside my business in Waukee. Every year between my store and my home I usually see about five praying mantises. Until we moved to Waukee, I hardly ever saw them.