Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Chet Culver Wears Slot Machine Tie While Denying Touch Play

Des Moines - CBB has learned that Chet Culver has paraded around like a
dandy wearing his favorite tie, which was given to him personally by Bill
Krause, CEO of Kum and Go and an active supporter of Touchplay machines. To
make matters worse, Culver was wearing the tie when CBB news correspondent
Mike Raker caught up with Chet while he stumped in Lake Okoboji's famed
Arnold's Park resort earlier today. Here is an excerpt of what transpired:

M.R. : "Mr. Culver, I've noticed that you're wearing a slot machine tie.
Does that indicate your feelings toward the expansion of gambling in Iowa?"

C.C. : "I've been looking for the University of Okoboji all day... do you
know where the campus is ?"

M.R. "Uhh, actually I think that's just a... nevermind. Anyway, about that

C.C. "This tie has video games on it. Sometimes you can win money on these
video games. Pretty neat-o, huh?"

M.R. Yeah.

C.C. "Say, Mike, I've been thinking about trying out my new slogan for the
state of Iowa in my stump speech here today, what do you think about 'Lakes
of Opportunity!' ? Whoops, there's my dad John Culver former Senator from
Iowa pointing at his watch... I gotta go talk now, BYE."

Special thanks to Mike Raker, Chief Political News Correspondent for getting
the dirt on this one.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Terrorism Has No Religion

It does, however have one particular religion is seems to mostly operate in. The following is an example of an ad being run in Arab countries. Strong, powerful, and conveys a wicked message. I particularly like the way its' shot in that Matrix-style slow-motion, stop action effect.

From Terrorism Has No Religion:

[H/T: Little Green Footballs]

Monday, October 16, 2006

John Kerry: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Whenever there is a slow news day, rest assured an ultra liberal defeatocrat from Massachusetts will provide me with a little bit of angst. Not a whole lot mind, but enough for a new quick, crappy post. You're welcome...
"They tell us we're making progress in Iraq and that there is no civil war. That is a lie," he said. "It's immoral to lie about progress in that war in order to get through a news cycle or an election cycle."
I am actually little surprised lighting didn't strike Kerry when he made that statement. I personally like how he throws around morality, but has no problem using US troop deaths to gain a few seats in Congress. I might be able to stomach Kerry's rhetoric if he didn't have so much blood on his hands.
"That is a lie. North Korea's nuclear program was frozen under Bill Clinton. When George W. Bush turned his back on diplomacy, Kim Jong Il turned back to making bombs, and the world is less safe because a madman has the Bush bomb," he said.
The Clinton administration gave Kim Jong a mother bleepin' basketball signed by Michael Jordan! Don't you realize the diplomatic power of basketball? If the Democrats regain control of Congress, Tiger Woods signed golf balls for all rogue nations. Then we will have peace on earth. Ah...

Monday, October 09, 2006

It's Alive! Rise, Corn Beltway Boys, Rise!

It's moving day here on In A Word, as I have decided to form a three headed blog monster with a couple friend of mine [and yes I have more than two friends].

So, join us over at CornBeltwayBoys.com.

I will still update In A Word, just not regularly.

Friday, October 06, 2006

One Silent Cry

Years ago I wrote a short story entitled "One Silent Cry" about a friend of mine who committed suicide when I was a junior in high school. I was an aspiring writer at that time of writing ""One Silent Cry"and I considered it to be the best work had done up to that point in my life and quite possibly the best work I would ever do. The emotions were raw as was the scathing commentary on our society.

I had always believed "One Silent Cry" would be published, just not at the time I wrote it. It was meant for a different time and I wanted to polish the final draft. Even as an egotisical college student I understood I had written it with a youthful exuberance and for it to be truly great I needed to edit it when I was older. Usually when I write something I want the whole world to read it immediately, but this story was different. I promised myself it needed to be completed by the time I was 40 years old and then I filed it away; revisiting it a few times over the years to add and delete portions.

Then life happened.

I met and fell in love with the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We got married, had three kids, and started our own small business. The years have fallen away so quickly my personal promise to myself concerning "One Silent Cry" would quickly run out of time if I didn't start writing on it again. So, with my marriage extremely strong, the kids doing very well and the business finally starting to stabilize and make money I felt now was the time to finish "One Silent Cry."

Then a strange thing happened.

I can't find my manuscript. I had kept it in a Burgundy file with all my other writings from my college years. As an interesting side note, that binder also contained fake album covers for joke bands that my good friend Daren and I made during our teen years while living in Houston. The Pink Elephant's That Sniff Cocaine and their opus "It Takes Two To Tango, But Only One To Break Dance"...good times, damn good times. As I have told Daren before, we had the classic childhood experience and I kept those papers as a tribute to the good times we shared. It felt good to look at them from time to time and relive the old days.

However, I am still good friends with Daren so while things like The Pink Elephants albums are important to me that folder existed to hold "One Silent Cry." I had outlines for further story progressions, additional characters, a better ending, and of course my original draft. It also held a poem entitled "Via Satellite" by Jonathan Yeager my friend who committed suicide. I had always planned to break apart the poem and use it as a way to divide "One Silent Cry" into sections; a final tribute to Jon if you will.

I wrote the story about two years following Jon's death and on the eve of entering college to pursue a career in journalism and English. Jon sat next to me in my 11th grade creative writing class. He was years beyond the rest of us in the class and for some reason he latched on to me. Jon and I ran the class. He wrote dark, slice of life stuff and I wrote the more positive stuff, however without fail we always achieved the highest grades. We started hanging out together and my writings started to be more emotional and less an exercise in linguistics. As Jon mostly wrote poetry and I stayed in the realm of short stories, what happened to my development was a morphing of the two styles. I tried very hard to make my stories flow from one line to next, both in content and style. Gone was the lifeless prose and its' place was living expression of myself. Without ever knowing Jon, I am fairly sure this never would have happened.

Then Jon painted the interior of a 66' mustang with his own blood.

So, here I am sitting at the computer writing a blog post instead of finishing something I believe would have been truly special. I never treated the manuscript with the respect I probably should have. I always had a fairly descent idea where the folder was and there was comfort in knowing it was in the house. Now that it appears lost or buried in some unmarked box and lost in the confusion of our last move. I find myself with a severe case of remorse,while at the same time turing the house upside down.

I was way too careless. I know it sounds like I am over selling it, but I really believed it was going to be my "Catcher In The Rye." I could rewrite it, but...

Damn it.

Opportunity lost by being too fucking careless.


Thursday, October 05, 2006

The Sock Market Hits Rock Bottom In Iran

In an effort to make sure Iranian teenagers retain their pent up sexual frustrations, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini had outlawed "deliberate masturbation." I am guessing it's hard to get a masturbating extremist to give up his life for the promise of 72 virgins, when he could just as soon grow old with a sock in one hand and a mouse in the other while surfing the internet.

And as a side note, what the hell is "deliberate masturbation?" Is indelibereate masturbation a problem in Iran?

"Sayid, what have I told you about masturbating at the dinner table?"

"Sorry, Dad I didn't even realize I was doing it..."

The Bastardization of The World Is Nearing Completion

First U2 and Hollywood publicity hounds Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and now this...

It seems the cell phone craze has finally hit the rural areas of Africa. Why does the world keep crapping on Africa?

Of course, as elsewhere in the world, txt messages are all the rage with Swahili teens:

"r u starvin?"

"ur muthas a macaca"

George Lucas To Stop Making Movies

Well, yeah...

Anyone who has seen the Star Wars prequels knows all to well that Lucas stopped making movies decades ago.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Chet Culver's 10 Ideas

Chet came up with ten ideas one day and you can count them on one hand...

What are the ideas you ask? Well let me count them down for you:

11. Have an idea about having an idea to have a campaign speech about having 10 ideas.
7. Give numerous speeches about having 10 ideas.
45. Talk about how Jim Nussle has never mentioned having 10 ideas of his own.
3. Create a TV ad with the number 10 shown multiple times.

And finally.

0. I have two words for you: renewable toilet paper.

Fair and Balanced

It seems FOX News "accidentally" mislabeled dirtbag, former congressman Mark Foley as a Democrat during one of its' broadcasts. It's an honest mistake anyone could make...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Patty Judge Praises Chet Culver's Debate Performance

In A Word has intercepted a confidential letter from Patty Judge to Chet Culver. Let it be known that I do have "my sources" when it counts...

Hello Chet, Welcome to the Nick Jr Website.
You've received a special message from Patty Judge.

An Interview With Chet Culver's Emphatic Debate Fist Pt. III

As the smoke clears from the battlefield after the first Nussle/Culver gubernatorial debate, In A Word had an opportunity to speak with Chet Culvers right hand man...er...hand.

In A Word: So, early reports indicate a virtual tie in the outcome of the debates. Is this good news for the Culver campaign, as it is generally accepted that he does not have very strong public speaking skills?

Chet Culver's Empathic Debate Fist: Lets just say it was a long night. Very long.

In A Word: Is that a hint of resignation in your voice?

Fist: Listen, I can only stress and emphasis the strong points and needless to say they were few and far between. You can't polish a turd.

In A Word: Fair enough but can you give examples?

Fist: Well, for instance when Chet was asked what his new state slogan would be, he answered "if I had to add one new slogan, I would say 'A Gold Mine of Opportunity.' What the hell? A gold mine of opportunity? I was stunned and to be honest I wasn't exactly sure Chet knew that he was running for the governor of Iowa and not California.

In A Word: Don't you think he was using "a gold mine of opportunity" as a metaphor for the great amount of promise in Iowa's future? Maybe even alluding to the golden looking fields during the harvest season...

Fist: ...

Fist: Do you realize Chet isn't all that deep right?

Monday, October 02, 2006

Time To Buy The Donuts

It seems pro-illegal immigration groups are calling for the boycott of Dunkin' Donuts and other places like Applebees, because those businesses will not hire immigrants whose names do not match their Social Security numbers.
"It looks to me like its racism," said Emma Lozano, Pueblo Sin Fronteras.
Yes, clearly matching names to a nine digit Social Security number is one of the most rampant forms of racism in America.

Just so you understand the lunacy, those calling for the boycott are upset at Dunkin' Donuts for not breaking the law.

So, do your civic duty and support Applebees and Dunkin' Donut. Eat in the name of patriotism.

Chavez Says He Has White House Informant

Venezuela President Hugo Chavez said Sunday he has received warnings from within the White House that the Bush administration is plotting to assassinate him or topple his left-leaning government. [well, yeah...like duh]
I am guessing Chavez's "deep throat" is NBC's David Gregory...

Women Arrested For Hamster Neglect

Police arrested a woman for neglecting hamsters at her home after her roommate called authorities.
Richard Gere was unavailable for comment...

Inside The Jihad

It seems the Democratic manifesto will finally see the publishing light of day...
Basic Books says it will soon publish what it calls the first inside account of life as an Al Qaeda operative.
But promoting “Inside the Jihad” will be tricky. “It will not be a traditional book tour,” said David Steinberger, the chief executive of the Perseus Books Group, whose imprints include Basic Books, Da Capo Press and Running Press, among others. “There will be no author signings and no Oprah appearances and no morning shows.”
No Oprah appearances? It seems to me this book would be perfect for Oprah...no real author, facts that can not be substantiated, and it's about al-Qaeda so it should be a veritable who's who of Oprah's next sexiest men list.

Not That Anyone Ever Stepped Foot On The Moon Anyway

35 years later...NASA [with a little help from Peter Shann Ford, computer and space nerd], have proven what Neil Armstrong really said when he first stepped foot on the Moon:
Mr Armstrong has long insisted that he meant to say "“one small step for a man . . ."— which would have been a more meaningful and grammatically correct version, free of tautology. But even the astronaut himself could not be sure.

"Damn, I really did it. I blew the first words on the Moon, didn't I?"” he is reported to have asked officials later, amid uncertainty as to whether he had blown the moment or simply been drowned out by static interference as his words were relayed 250,000 miles back to Earth.

Now, after almost four decades, the spaceman has been vindicated. Using high-tech sound analysis techniques, an Australian computer expert has rediscovered the missing "a" in Mr Armstrong'’s famous quote. Peter Shann Ford ran the Nasa recording through sound-editing software and clearly picked up an acoustic wave from the word "a," finding that Mr Armstrong spoke it at a rate of 35 milliseconds or— ten times too fast for it to be audible.
To be completely honest though, it should be noted that NASA used the three second delay from the Moon to delete Armstrong's very first words: "Holy Shit!"