Tuesday, May 16, 2006

An Interview with Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand Fist

With Chet Culver leading the race for the Democratic nomination to face off for governor of Iowa against the Republican candidate, Jim Nussle, I felt the need to learn more about the man and the myth. A lot has been made about Chet’s inability at public speaking and the lack of debate skills. Then recently as Chet and his lieutenant governor running mate, Janet Reno, began appearing in an almost quasi-romantic political TV ad I started to notice a subtle change in Chet’s delivery.

At first I dismissed what I saw as an anomaly. However, with each successive view of the ad, the gesture became more and more pronounced. I finally concluded Chet had indeed incorporated the Clinton-style emphatic debate hand movements into his speeches. You know the brilliant hand gestures that stresses each word of speaker in an attempt to over emphasize the importance of what is being said. I am calling this the biggest development in the young race for the governorship. Unless, Jim Nussle addresses this startling discovery I fear the public opinion will irreconcilably shift in Chet’s favor. The hand gesture is that strong.

In an attempt to be first news source with this breaking development, In A Word is proud to have secured an exclusive one-on-hand interview with the possible race altering Chet Culver Emphatic Debate Hand:

In A Word [IAW]: Nice to see you again. What has it been, six or seven years?

Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand [Hand]: Has it been that long? It seems like only yesterday I standing in front of the nation emphasizing Bill Clinton’s every word: “I [strong hand gesture] did [strong hand gesture] not [extra strong hand gesture] have sexual [strong but muted hand gesture] relations [strong hand gesture] with that [strong hand gesture] women [strong hand gesture held slightly longer for effect].”

IAW: Yes, clearly that was a defining moment for you, but I was wondering how we now find you on Chet Culver’s right arm?

Hand: Well, the return to civilian life has hit former President Clinton pretty hard. Gone are the defensive and emphatic speeches by day and intern pleasuring at night. The need for my services was starting to wane. About the time we started the boring globetrotting with former President Bush, I get this call from Chet Culver. Well, actually it was Chet’s wife pleading for help; both politically and personally.

IAW: Had you heard of Chet and his horrid speaking skills before his wife called you?

Hand: No, thank God. However, when she called me, Chet was practicing a speech about ethanol in background. As I listened on the phone to Chet talk, I started to get all tingly with the feeling of small needles all over my fingers. I literally feel asleep listening to him drone on. His wife assured me it was worse in person. I parted ways with Mr. Clinton and immediately boarded a plane for Iowa.

IAW: Well noticed you effects right away. What do you attribute your success to?

Hand: My background is in sales and all those years selling used cars taught me it’s about sizzle and not the steak. Politics is no different. Half the time the politician doesn’t have a clue what he/she is talking about. That is why my job is so important. While Chet is prattling on about how he is the right man to be governor of Iowa, my duty is to distract and hypnotize the audience to away from what he is saying. If I do my job correctly, everyone will be watching me and not Chet screwing up.

IAW: If I may say so, I am very impressed by the dramatic effect you’ve had on Chet’s speeches. I have no idea what Chet is saying during his commercials, but I always watch his hand. In fact, I look forward to seeing the bobbing thumb and fist.

Hand: I really am that good. In fact, during a recent speech Chet staring talking about his rubber ducky and people started applauding when I emphasized the words “squeaky squeakers.” They had no idea what he was talking about, but the crowd was so tuned into to me that they didn’t even notice Chet’s stupid monologue. Unfortunately, my skills don’t transfer very well to paper or I would offer my services in an attempt to help revive your sorry, sad blog.

Monday, May 08, 2006