The US Celebrates 1,000th Execution

A mist the pomp and circumstance at a state prison in North Carolina, a milestone was reached. The United States executed its' 1,000th scumbag since we reinstated the death penalty in 1976.

"Really, this is the pinnacle of almost 30 years of effort on the part of law enforcement and the criminal element in this country. Quite frankly, it took both parties working together to achieve an average of 33 executions a year," an unidentified, unconfirmed source within the North Carolina State Penitentiary said today at the celebration party after Kenneth Lee Boyd became the big 1-0-0-0. "You should try the punch and my wife baked the cookies."

Generally executions garner very little interest beyond the local news, however with records failing in North Carolina, the nation rushed to be part of the festivities. People from all over the country were in attendance some from as far away as Texas, New Hampshire, Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Michigan and Illinois. Bus tours originating for Washington D.C. brought area citizens from Fredericksburg and Richmond.

"I am guessing there will be some pretty crazy parties tonight. You can just feel the electricity in the air. I can think of only one person who will be getting a good solid, deep sleep tonight," North Carolina Governor Michael Easley said while mingling with the rest of the crowd. "You hate to wait 30 years for this type of excitement, but unfortunately we have lawyers in this country, so things move a little slower that you would like. By the way you should really try the cookies, they are wonderful."

The person of the hour was evicted killer Kenneth Lee Boyd. Boyd never one to bask in the personal glory of historic milestones said, ""I'd hate to be remembered as that. I don't like the idea of being picked as a number." Yes, modest and humble to the end.

Boyd continued, "I mean I killed two people in like 10 seconds with about 25 bullets. Now that is a record. The quick thinking I did on the spot to concoct an alibi of heavy alcohol abuse was one of my more glorious moments also."

Boyd's record was in doubt until Tuesday when Virginia Gov. Mark Warner spared the life of killer Robin Lovett preventing Lovett from dying to win.

"I didn't get caught up in the moment. I mean sure, I wanted the record, but my day will come someday," Lovett said, reflecting on his brush will history. "I mean, someone has to be 1,001 and it might as well be me. And believe me, Kenny was a horrible man, it is just a honor to be mentioned with him."

Gettting a little caught up in the moment, Gov. Warner jumped up on a table wearing a lamp shade and addressed the crowd one last time. "You feel that?" Warner said while taking a really deep breath, "That is the rush of a little more air in your lungs as we have just eliminated another air sucking criminal from the world."