Sunday, August 20, 2006

In A Word Exclusive: Chet Culver Emphatic Debate Fist Grand Jury Testimony

As the furor over the alleged sexual relationship between Chet Culver's emphatic debate fist and Mrs. Culver continues to grow, In A Word has called for a grand jury investigation to settle this debate once and for all. What follows is the transcript:

(Unknown) Mr. Fist, would you raise your, please? Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you're about to give in this matter will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Mr. Fist: I do [thumb up for emphasis]

Sol Wisenberg: Good morning.

Mr. Fist: Good morning to you too, sir.

Sol Wisenberg: My name is Sol Wisenberg. I'm a deputy independent counsel with the Office of Independent Counsel of the Department of the Independent Council Affairs of the Declaration of Independence.

At the courthouse are the ladies and gentlemen of the grand jury prepared to receive your testimony as you give it. Do you understand, sir?

Mr. Fist: Yes.

Sol Wisenberg: Mr. Fist, were you physically intimate with Mrs. Culver?

Mr. Fist: Can you please define the word "were?"

Sol Wisenberg: Were: "used with the present participle of a verb to express a continuing action."

Mr. Fist: Oh, well in the that case: I...did not...have sexual...relations...with that woman. "Having" would more clearly define our relationship.

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