Wednesday, March 21, 2007

James Hetfield Promises To Get Completely Drunk While Writing The New Metallica Album

Lamenting a lack of raw emotion and good music on their last five studio albums, Metallica lead singer, James Hetfield, announced he was going to resume binge drinking in an effort to "get back to his roots."

"I came to a realization the other day when I started to think of what the 19 year old James Hetfield would think if he saw where I was today," Hetfield said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, "the 19 year old James was a drunk who liked to trash hotel rooms, while the 43 year old James is sober and has a psychologist that tours with his band. I am pretty sure the 19 year old James would call me a poser and kick my ass. For Christ's sake we were occasionally called Alcohollica for freakin' reason and it's time to get back to that."

Hetfield admitted hitting the Jagermeister and Coors Light was "like riding a bicycle; you never forget how." Being a belligerent drunk, Hetfield has once again started lording over the song writing process in Metallica and the new album has begun to sound an awful lot like the Master of Puppets.

"Writing when I am fucked up is a very liberating experience," Hetfield said, "in the old days I would stumble into the studio and record a few songs. Then the next day when I was sober I would try to relearn everything I played from the night before. I am actually a better guitarist when I am blitzed, but if you have ever listened to St. Anger then you probably already knew that."

Hetfield went on say that not only is the music better when he's drunk, but that the lyrics ironically sound better too.

"Take for instance these lines from Harvester of Sorrow: 'My Life Suffocates, Planting Seeds of Hate, I've Loved, Turned to Hate, Trapped Far Beyond My Fate.' I have literally no idea what I was trying to say, but it sounds so damn cool. That's what being shit-faced does for me. Now, in contrast consider this chorus from Fanatic: 'Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tick tock, Frantic tick tick tick tick tick tick tock.' I mean if I was drunk you could almost excuse that, but I was clean. The worst part is that we decided to record it, so I can't even blow it off like it was some bad alcohol induced hallucination."

The new, constantly plowed Helfield did acknowledge that relationships between his fellow Metallica band members have both improved and disintegrated since he went back to the bottle.

"The first thing I did when I got off the wagon again was to call up Lars [Ulrich] and tell him how much of a fucking pussy I think he is," Hetfield said, "he cried of course and said I hurt his feelings, but told him he could shove his feelings up his ass and put them right next to his personal art collection. This exchange lead to the creation of a new song entitled Just Shut Up And Drum."

On the flip side, Hetlfield said he and lead guitarist, Kirk Hammett, have a better understanding of each other now that he's back on week long benders.

"James told me that it was time to put guitar solos back into our songs and if Lars didn't like it 'could suck my dick. So, needless to say, that made me happy,'" Hammett said recalling a 4 AM phone call he received from Hetfield, "James and I had a good conversation and got back on the same page muscially in between the twenty-three times that he told me that 'I love you, man.'"

Hammett expressed a little apprehension at having to solo again, as he admitted he hadn't played a decent solo since To Live Is To Die all the way back on the ...And Justice For All album.

"To be honest most of my solos from the black album up through St. Anger sound like they belong in a Def Leppard song, so I've had to start practicing again," Hammett admitted, "I've playing a lot of Guitar Hero II on my PS2 and I just finished Kiss' Strutter and began working on Warrant's Cherry Pie."

Expect the new Metallica album to hit the store shelves as soon as Hetfield can sober up enough to lay down the vocals. Tentative recent date is set for November 2012.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Holy shit! Is this real? Beacause I can't find this interview on any other website.

Anonymous said...

That's because you're too smart to find them.

Anonymous said...

Did you get an A on your writing project here, dumbass?

Anonymous said...

This is great...

Anonymous said...

your a fucking idiot. if you would have any respect for metallica as a band or james hetfield as a person you would not have written such shit. grow the fuck up

Andrei said...

This was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Fake as.

Anonymous said...

this was hilarious. i love how gullible and uptight (and clueless) some people are...