The Something Boat: A Rollicking, Frolicking Journey at Sea

Background: After downing a few dozen Mountain Dews and taking a break for hitting home runs in SNK's Baseball Stars, Daren and I decided to write a play. Much stupidity later we came up with "The Something Boat." Keep in mind, Daren and I were teenagers. However, if there is one thing this 15+ year old play illustrates well is that we were never funny. So, this humorless blog is nothing new...

The Something Boat
By: Daren Jaques and Jeremie Jordan
A Very Small Rocks Production

Light cascades down on an old Spanish style galleon. A large ship's wheel is seen at the front of the boat. At the far stage left the captain's quarters are found. The is the primary stage entrance. The other stage entrance is on the far side of the quarters.

As the play opens the ship "Lollipop" has just left dock. The captain stands at the wheel delivering a speech to his men about the nature of their journey. Present are his first mate Winston, his crew and a slave.

Act I scene i

captain: Life and liberty! Men, we seek haven in the arms of the sea. At the end of our desolate road there is hope of a new land. And our ship, the Lollipop, shall carry us there...for she is a good ship. Yes, we have a dream. Not of candy apples or sugar plums or an end to rat soup or a big hug from Mommy, but a..a...what was I talking about?

first mate: (nudging) Uh...hugs from Mommy.

captain: Oh yes, but what was my point?

first mate: Something about sweets sir.

captain: Sweets? Oh quite right, yes, umm...umm don't eat too many of them, uh they'll rot your teeth...that will be all, carry on.

(crew mills about then exits behind the cabin)

first mate: Just out of curiosity Captain, where are we going?

captain: Hell if I know, I'm just followin' Bob.

first mate: Captain, Bob sank.

captain: Hope you can swim.

Act I scene ii

The crew, the slave, and the traitor are on deck discussing a mutiny. Flotsam, our first crew member, speaks in varying accents the Jetsam (the other crewmen) comments on frequently. Both crew members lack intellectual capabilities. Jetsam wears an eye patch and walks with a slight limp. Benny Arnold, the instigator of the mutiny speaks to the crew and the slave over hears.

Benny: The blood of men has been shed. How many have fallen to a watery grave for this "new land?" Dost thou wish to join them? If not, we must rise to mutiny to liberate, emancipate and free ourselves of this...this...stuff.

Jetsam: Bloody good idea!

Flotsam: No, it's not.

Jetsam: Oh...right...(to Benny) you heard him you knave, it's a bloody bad idea.

Flotsam: Well...maybe not.

Jetsam: Yeah, uh...maybe not.

Benny: We must do it. It is not dishonorable. For what we are doing is the noblest of all acts...saving ourselves. For our captain is inept, unintelligible, inefficient and...and stuff.

Jetsam: Yeah and he ain't very good neither.

(They all exit behind the cabin murmuring agreement)

Slave: (overhearing, bursts into song as he swabs the deck)

The evildoers have wrought,
An evil plan to kill.
'Tis an evil thrill,
In an evil Pot.

The pot it 'tis this boat,
On an evil sea.
They plan a mutiny,
Can the captain float?

I am the minstrel slave,
Abroad the Lollipop.
The killers will not stop,
Because they all are knaves.

(The first mate enters from the captain's quarters to hear the song)

first mate: Mutiny? On this ship? Impossible...'tis a good ship. (first mate exits cabin door)