Hello Juice readers, I will be your awkward and fumbling backseat blogger for the next week. Like a teenager whose Dad just threw him the keys to the family station wagon for a Saturday night date, these next seven days could very well be an uncomfortable experience for us all. My constant self-doubt keeps bothering me with thoughts of ridicule and failure. I mean, what if the liberals of the United States decide to shut up for one whole week? What will I write about? What if Cindy Sheehan and Hollywood celebrities don't cozy up to a South American dictator or make comparisons between Bush and Hitler; would I still be able to keep, you the reader, entertained without being able to fall back on my usual sarcastic political banter?
The conspiracy theorist in me also questions my inclusion into the blogging contest. I have joked with my friends and family that there must have been only eight contestants that signed up, because if you have ever been to my home blog, In A Word, you know I am a grammatical and coherent thought train wreck waiting to happen. As if to prove my suspicions correct, I have become privy to a NSA wiretapping conversation between Cavan Reagan, Juice online content manager, and Arturo Fernandez, Photo Editor:
[Cell phone rings to the tune of Tone Loc's Funky Cold Medina]
Art: Hit me.
Cavan: Hey Art, itÂs me Cavan. IÂve got some bad news.
Art: The Register demanded we start running ÂLife So FarÂ by Erin Crawford and Kyle Munson?
Cavan: No worse. You know that blog contest the staff has been kickinÂ around? Well, we got only eight entries.
Art: No worries. We can spin it in a positive light.
Cavan: Unfortunately it gets worse. One of the submissions is a...you know...
Art: A conservative blogger? How the hell did he get on our site?
Cavan: Apparently he snuck past the filters. What do you think; should we just scrap the whole competition? You know the impact just one of those nut jobs can have on our viewer ship.
Art: Naw, I think it is time to teach this Bush-lover a lesson. Let him post. Give him some rope and just watch as he hangs himself. Besides you are talking to one of the best photojournalists in DSM, I can make this guy look like he went to Glamour Shots to get a "before" picture taken for his application to TrimSpa.
Cavan: Agreed. Besides I have read his blog, he is very adept at making a fool of himself.
The hard truth, however, is that both Arturo and Cavan have been nothing short of supportive and professional. If anything, I have been the only person who has placed unfair stereotypes; especially in regards to the Juice staff. I appreciate the opportunity presented by Cavan and the staff at Juice to reach a boarder range of readers than I am used too. So without any further delays lets slam this baby into drive, floor it, and see where this blog leads us.
And for God's sake, will someone please pass Ted Kennedy a gin and tonic, the car keys, a female staff member and a microphone. I need some material for tomorrow. Also, if it wouldn't be much of a bother I would like to ask Cheney not to shoot anyone and Bush not to sell off portions of the country to an Arab nation this week. It makes it so much harder to stay on the task of liberal bashing if I have to constantly defend the current administration.