Saved By The Smell

Just when I think society can degrade no further, I am proven wrong...

Dustin Diamond [Screech, of Save By The Bell "fame"] reportedly has a new sex tape that is being shopped around for a distributor.

He may have played nerdy eighth-grader Samuel (Screech) Powers in the sitcom "Saved by the Bell." But former TV geek Dustin Diamond can now take his place with Colin Farrell, Tommy Lee and Kid Rock as the star of his very own sex tape.

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us.

Now I know what you are thinking: "Jordan, I agree that seeing Screech bang two women at the same time isn't exactly something I would care to see, but I am afraid I don't understand your attack on the American society and morals."

Well, dear reader(s) Dustin allegedly pulls off a maneuver called the "dirty Sanchez." Now I don't know about the rest of you, but I have been severely turned on before while having sex. However, I have never [NEVER] thought to myself during sex: "mmmhmm, this is good, but you know what would make it even better...what if I reached around and poked my finger way up my butt and pull out some poo...then I'll take that poo and make a fake moustache."

Call me an uptight conservative if you will, but I think I'll pass...wait that might have been the wrong word to use.