Concerned About Public Safety, the Rest of the Nation Asks Arkansas to Quarantine Itself

Unfortunately the following post is the type of tripe I write when I sit on an idea for a story for an entire week. Sometimes is ripens and becomes funny other times it festers and wilts. However, since this is my main blog now, you guys get both the good and the bad. And yes, I am aware there have been very little “good” posts lately, but then I never claimed to be Hemmingway…

Little Rock, Ark [Juice newswire]

Arkansas governor, fresh off his victory outlawing smoking in most public places, has returned with his newest health initiative: banning public flatulence.

“There is nothing worse than entering an elevator right after someone exited, only to realize they left behind a pair of Arkansas barking spiders just as the doors close shut, “ Gov. Mike Huckabee said during an open air press conference.

The bill comes on the heels of the growing trend of SBDs being laid throughout the Razorback state and a possible link to Parkinson’s disease.

The proposed bill would exempts bathrooms, kybos, Jim Carrey movies and babies smiling for the first time because they are passing gas.

Violators would face fines for misdemeanors like asking someone to “pull your finger” and would escalate to possible jail time for giving someone a Dutch oven.

The legislation would also ban performing a blow-by while in a car with children younger than 6 years old or still restrained in a car seat and placed directly behind an adult.

Bill sponsor Democrat Bob Mathis stated, “It galls me to no end to know that fathers are laying down a burner on the car ride home from the Chinese buffet and there is nothing the poor child can do about it.”

Mathis went on to say it maybe a little difficult to determine who the offenders are, but that the state was hoping people would police themselves. “It has always been my experience that whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Mathis added.

Huckabee said he was inclined to pass the bill if it reaches his desk.

“Believe me, there is nothing worse than turning down the snack aisle at the Winn Dixie looking for the double stuffed Oreos, only to find yourself walking right into some else’s aftershocks,” Huckabee explained, “I mean, come on, it is grocery store for crimney sakes, people have to eat this food someday.”

Side note: In case you were wondering, this is my way of saying I think the Arkansas ban on smoking is wrong. And I hate smoking…