Enough!

WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT
While I usually try to follow a no cuss word rule on my blog, with the exception of an occasional outburst, today I am taking the filters off. If the words of a drunken sailor just returning to port after 6 months on the open seas offends you, skip this post. Also, please note this is not going to be a well thought out post, but this is my blog and I needed a release. This is off the cuff and raw [for me] take it for what it's worth...

I have fucking had it with the way the Democrats cry politics every time President Bush uses the member of 9/11 to justify his policies and decisions.

"This was a political move, designed to tap the overwhelming public sentiment to destroy al-Qaida as a way to bolster sagging public support for the war in Iraq." Harry Reid, Dumbass Senator from Nevada.

Well fuck Harry, God forbid we "tap the public sentiment to destroy al-Qaida." If I read Harry's comments correctly, am I to understand he believes Bush doesn't want to actually defeat al-Quaida, just use the images and ghosts of 9/11 to bolster some worthless public opinion polls that the Democratic party whores themselves to each day? Get a fucking clue. Jesus, the President says we need to destroy al-Qaida and the Democrats have a tizzy fit.

"There has been a complete absence of balance in the news coverage of national security issues," they wrote." Knob Nancy Pelosi in a letter sent out of media channels.

Hey Nancy, maybe if you had a plan that went a tad deeper than "pull out of Iraq by December" then maybe we could get some "balance."

"It is long past time for Republicans to be honest with American people and stop questioning the patriotism of those who recognize that the president's Iraq policy has not worked, is making us less safe and must be changed." Nancy Pelosi again

Less safe? Did I miss something in the last five years? Was there another terrorist attack on America soil that I missed? No? Then fucking prove it Nancy. Fucking prove we are less safe. Just because there are terrorist attacks in Iraq doesn't mean we are less safe here in America. Maybe Nancy could trot out the old "Arabs hate America even more now since we invaded Iraq." Hate us more than using airplanes as missiles to kill 3,000 people? Give me a fucking break.

"Rather than try to defend their own failed record, Republicans have resorted to the desperation politics of fear." wow Pelosi again, it seems she can spin this shit all day.

Ah, the old "politics of fear." Of course, it isn't fear when the Democrats say we "are less safe today." Nooooooo. Just so we are clear, when the Democrats start claiming Bush is politicizing 9/11 they are ironically doing the same thing.

And so concludes my rambling post for the day.

Until later let me add this one last comment to the Democratic party:

"Shut the fuck up." Just because the cameras are on and the microphones are live doesn't mean your pie hole has to be open and bashing the President. Think before you speak.

Of course, one should think before they blog too...

9/11 Never Forget

I am not the one to write a tribute for all the heroes from September 11th, because I don't hold the right words nor could I possibly express the right sentiment. But know this, I will never forget the brave men and women that fought back in the first battles of the war on terror.

United flight 93, is my example of American determination when we know what is on the line. The passengers on the other planes were merely doing what they thought would get them on the ground safety. However, when flight 93 found out the planes were being used as missiles, they rose up and fought back.

While the images of the World Trade Center towers falling are chilling and heartbreaking, imagine the psychological effect of seeing the White House or the US Capitol in flames? There are no shortage of heros from 9/11, but I choose to honor the passengers of United flight 93 on my blog today.

I only hope I could be as brave in the face of such danger. Your courage will never be forgotten. Never.

United flight 93 Crew:
Jason Dahl
Leroy Homer
Lorraine Bay
Sandra Bradshaw
Wanda Green
Cee Cee Lyles
Deborah Welsh

United flight 93 Passengers:
Christian Adams
Todd Beamer
Alan Beaven
Mark Bingham
Deora Bodley
Marion Britton
Thomas E. Burnett, Jr.
William Cashmen
Georgian Corrigan
Joseph Deluca
Patrick Discoll
Edward Felt
Colleen Fraser
Andrew Gracia
Jeremy Glick
Lauren Grandcolas
Donald F. Green
Laura Gronlund
Richard Guadagno
Toshiya Kuge
Waleska Martinez
Nicole Miller
Mark Rothenberg
Christine Snyder
John Talignani
Honor Wainio

Cyclones and Hawkeyes

Here are a couple of examples that show the difference between Iowa Hawkeye announcers and Iowa State Cyclones announcers calling a simple draw play that nets a two yard gain up the middle.

If you are listening to the Cyclones play you will hear this:
"Meyer turns and hands off to Stevie Hicks, he's met at the line, but with a strong second effort he is able to get two yards yards beyond the line of scrimmage."

Now, if you are listening to the Hawkeyes make the same play you will hear this:
"Heisman front-runner, Drew Tate, is audiblizing at the line and changes the play. He obviously sees a weakness in the defense and is changing the play to exploit that weakness. Tate receives the snap cleanly and gracefully, but stealthily hands the ball off to underrated running back, Albert Young. Young jukes left and then purposely falls 8 yards short of the first down. What a brilliant display of field vision and poise, all started with the smart decision making of Drew Tate. So, that leaves the Hawks a short 3rd and 8..."

Oil Falls To Lowest Price In Five Months

Can you say "November elections?"

Oil prices fell to their lowest level in five months on Thursday after a larger-than-expected build in U.S. distillate and gasoline stocks.

Oil has slumped more than 7 percent in two weeks as the end of the U.S. driving season and a perception of easing geopolitical and weather risks prompted traders to re-assess fundamentals. [Reuters]

Now remembering back to my college day(s), that sounds a lot like...what's the term I am looking for...?

Supply and elections...demand and recount...PAC and Soft money...?

Never mind, I don't think there is any logical way to describe the falling gas prices other than Bush is behind it somehow.

I plan to take a long winding car ride this weekend to celebrate. Hell, I might just randomly dump some gas on the ground because the gas price has gotten so low.

Why Does The Corn In Iowa Lean To The West? Because Nebraska Sucks Pt. II

In an effort to get into the Guinness Book of World Record organizers in Alliance, Nebraska played a 30 hour, 84 inning baseball game.

While it should be long enough to break the old record of 25 hours, set previously in Canada; it is still 2 1/2 hours short of the time it takes to drive across the state of Nebraska.

A New Contract With America

Newt Gingrich has outlined 11 ways to "say we're not Nancy Pelosi:"

• Make English the official language of the government
• Control the borders
• Keep God in the Pledge
• Require Voter ID card
• Repeal Death tax for good
• Restore property rights
  
• Achieve sustainable eneryg independence
• Control spending and balance the budget
  
• Defend America for the irreconcilable wing of Islam
• Focus on Iran and North Korea

For the most part this is a great list of ideas and I believe me I am all for any agenda that keeps Nancy Pelosi out of power. However, while these eleven bullet points are a good start I am advocating another prequist for joining and representing the Republican party. Each member of congress must reach down between their legs and see if they still have any balls to stand up to the lunatic left.

Now I understand that for some female Republicans this requirement may be a tad unfair, but if they can show they know how to give a descent bitch slap, then that would be a good enough for me too.

With Great Power Comes Great Inaction

It is stories like this that renew my hope that the Republicans get their collective asses kicked all across this great country in the upcoming November elections:

As they prepare for a critical pre-election legislative stretch, Congressional Republican leaders have all but abandoned a broad overhaul of immigration laws and instead will concentrate on national security issues they believe play to their political strength.

With Congress reconvening Tuesday after an August break, Republicans in the House and Senate say they will focus on Pentagon and domestic security spending bills, port security legislation and measures that would authorize the administration’s terror surveillance program and create military tribunals to try terror suspects.

“We Republicans believe that we have no choice in the war against terror and the only way to do it is to continue to take them head-on whether it is in Iraq or elsewhere,” said Representative John A. Boehner of Ohio, the majority leader.

In a draft of a planning memorandum to be circulated to Republican senators, Senator Bill Frist of Tennessee, who is entering his last months as majority leader, said, “I expect minority obstructionism to be at an all-time high.” Republicans are already preparing for a post-election session to begin Nov. 13 and run at least up to Thanksgiving. [NY Times]

"Obstructionism to be at an all-time high," Mr. Frist? Hey, I will be the first one to bash a Democrat, but you can't obstruct something that isn't moving. If the Republicans are going weasel out of their responsibility to construct laws and keep our border safe for the average American simply because they are afraid of the political fallout, I say screw em'.

We elected you to do a job, now get off your ass and do it.

Steve Irwin Dead

FOOTAGE of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin being fatally attacked by a stingray on the Great Barrier Reef has been handed to Queensland police as fans worldwide come to grips with the "freak" death.

Irwin, 44, was killed almost instantly when the stingray stabbed him in the heart with its poisonous 20cm barb as he snorkelled off Port Douglas, in north Queensland, yesterday morning.

Irwin was shooting a documentary on dangerous marine life, in shallow water at Batt Reef, about 32 nautical miles offshore, at about 11am.

While my sympathies go out to Steve's family and friends, can the press please stop calling Irwin's death a "freak accident?" He was, after all, swimming with "dangerous marine life" and he made his living by wrestling with crocodiles.

I mean if the sting ray had pulled out a 9mm and shot Steve that would be one thing, but the string ray was simply reacting to a perceived threat and struck out in defense; hardly what I would call a "freak accident. " It's called inherent nature.

Breaking News That No One Cares About

Janet Jackson announced she supports Hillary Clinton making a run at the White House. Whew, I was kind of straddling the line, waiting for an endorsement from a reliable, non-biased pop star to tell me which Presidential candidate I should vote for. Well, the wait is finally over.

The reason I respect Janet Jackson's opinion is because we have so much in common. I work six days a week to put food on the table for my family. She travels the world and gets paid millions of dollars to sing crap like All Nite [Don't Stop]. So it's a pretty safe assumption her endorsements carry a lot of weight we me.

In related news, the British band, Kasabian, has called Justin Timberlake "a midget with whiskers." In further related news, Kasabian is In A Word's Band of The Week for their new release, Empire. That Kasabian called Timberlake "a midget with whiskers" is completely unrelated to the my bestowing them with the title of "Band of the Week." Alright, alright...alright! It had everything to do with it.

In all seriousness, their video for Empire is actually fairly good; you know, in a Justin Timberlake bashing sort of way.

The South Of Iowa

Long overdue, but welcomed none the less, is Bgunzy's new blog The South Of Iowa.

So please click away now and read a blog which is more betterly writ than In A Word and undoubtedly more entertaining.

Which, to be fair, wouldn't take much.

Sick, Twisted, and Wrong

From the Flopping Aces:

So, which is it? Is President Bush a bumbling idiot who got "selected" to office? Or is he the greatest terrorist mastermind of all time, because he was able to pull of 9/11 and make it look like it was al-Qaeda?

Yeah, you're probably right...he's both.

Ah, 9/11 tributes; liberal style. Make sure you have your duct tape handy, you're probably going to need a few rolls to keep your head from exploding.

UPDATE:
YouTube has pulled the video. To view the idiotic video click the Flopping Aces link, he grabbed and posted it on his blog assuming YouTube would ban the video.

Now I Am No NSA Agent...

Or a highly respected Homeland Security officer, but wouldn't a good place to find illegal immigrants here in the United States be the rallies where there are thousands of them protesting against stronger immigration laws?

Just throwin' that out there...

And why exactly are Unions supporting illegal immigrants? I thought they were supposed to be for American worker's rights. Oh right...if they help them become "legal" immigrants then maybe they will join the unions. My bad...

[H/T Glenn Beck]

The Democrat's New Campaign Strategy Is Revealed: Assassinations

For a frightening glimpse of where the loony left is heading:

• "Death Of A President"-mock documentary movie about the assassination of President Bush
• "What if Bush really was assassinated?" - editorial column.

Their hatred of Bush has reached a level where they now want him dead. This type of rhetoric is not healthy.

Consider these two comments left on Daily Mail and then try to tell me I am wrong:

"Oh, if only! He shouldn't be in the hot seat anyway - remember the elections?" - Maureen, Port Sainte Foy

"I had to keep reminding myself that it's a drama not reality. But in reality, I feel the biggest threat to the security of this planet is American foreign policy." - Jim Chestnut, Helensburgh, Scotland

"The most worrying part about this scenario is the part where Blair stays until 2009." - Archie, Amsterdam, Netherlands

For clarity, understand both of these examples are the creation of people outside the United States, however make sure you watch the response from the liberal bloggers here in the America. These assassination scenarios are a Daily Kos readers' wet dream. Too harsh? Check the comments threads here and here.

This Damn Bush Economy...

August found employers hiring 128,000 new employees and dropping the unemployment rate down to 4.7%.

In other news, John Kerry was quoted as staying if he was President unemployment would have been zero with his program that "seeks to establish a classless, stateless social organization, based upon a common ownership of the means of production and the absence of private property."

Promoting Pacifism Through Violence

A "patriotic" American shows his support for our troops by brandishing a gun and then beating up a soldier with a little help from five friends.

Click here for the link [Via Drudge Report, Ace of Spades, and Jenny here in the comment section].

Excuse me for cutting this post short, but the rage is starting well up inside me...

Sore Loser

John Kerry has once again revived his contention that there was voting fraud in Ohio during the 2004 Presidential election. In an email peddling for donations to the U.S. Rep. Ted Strickland campaign for Ohio governor, Kerry had this to say:

"He [Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell and Strickland's opponent] used the power of his state office to try to intimidate Ohioans and suppress the Democratic vote," said Kerry's e-mail, "[he] used his office to abuse our democracy and threaten basic voting rights."

Now I can only guess that with Kerry focusing on Secretaries of State that may have unduly affected their respective state's elections, one can deduce that the Jim Nussle campaign shall be receiving the same support from the failed Presidential candidate. How long did Iowa's Secretary of State, Chet Culver, hold back Iowa results? A month?

Kerry's email also went on to severely question the results from his board school class president elections in 1962.

"Lloyd Macdonald used the power of his father, a teacher at St. Paul's, to coerce my classmates into voting for him," Kerry's email continued.

When asked for a response to Kerry's comments, St. Paul's 1962 Class President, Lloyld Macdonald, had this to say:

"I find Flounder's [Kerry's nickname during boarding school] statements to be a little ironic considering he was always the teacher's pet. He spent most of his time emulating his idol, President John F. Kennedy. Heck, he even signed his papers with their shared initials, JFK. Of course, everyone else in school knew what the letters JFK really stood for: Just For Kerry."

The Smurf Whackers Fantasy Roster

Unfortunately, I was unable to attend my fantasy football draft this year, but a good friend of mine, Brian Malson, filled in for me. At first glance, I think he did a great job.

Here is the Smurf Whacker's 2006 roster:

Aaron Brooks [QB]
Donovan McNabb [QB]

Kevan Barlow [RB]
Edgerrin James [RB]
Deuce Mc Allister [RB]
Clinton Portis [RB]

David Boston [WR]
Marvin Harrison [WR]
Joe Horn [WR]
Santana Moss [WR]
Javon Walker [WR]

Matt Stover [K]

Seattle [DEF]
Tampa Bay [DEF]

I am fairly happy with the running backs and quarterback, but I feel that I need to pick up a couple more solid wide receivers. I plan on keeping my eye for injuries and breakout rookies. I have been lucky in the past with some of my acquisitions, hopefully the same will hold true for this year.

The Emmy For Best Overreaction To A Parody Skit Goes To...

There a few instances where I realize I am still very different from most of the right side of blogosphere. Case in point, furor over Conan O'Brien's intro skit on last night's Emmy's show. Conan does a parody that is a takeoff of ABC's Lost. Well, understandably the NBC affiliate in Kentucky was upset, but expecting Conan to pull the skit [which, remember, is a parody of Lost, not the plane crash from Sunday in Kentucky] is unrealistic and wrong. Should the NBC affiliate in Kentucky been notified so they could skip that portion of the show? Sure, absolutely.

What's next pulling Lost all together because it contains images of a plane crash? Cancelling 24, because it deals with terrorism? I am all for compassion and respect for the dead and those who are mourning, but really how many people watch the Emmy's anyway. I mean was on NBC after all. In fact, I guessing more people will watch it today on the blogosphere then actually watched it last night.

Come on, it wasn't like it was a skit with a masturbating bear or Max Weinberg having sex with himself. Then it would have been classic Conan.

Carnies On A Blog

You know I can deal with white trash stalkers from armpit cities in southern Iowa, but this trackback worries me a little bit.

I would just like to take this time to express my undying gratitude for all the unselfish work a carny must do. It is a thankless job, but one that is needed for society to function properly. And while my Raven post may have sounded as though I think carnies are sexual perverts, I was merely playing up to the stereotype for a cheap joke. Just because carnies look like they are undressing every women that walks by does mean anything....

Words To Live By

Sunshine via Irishwalsh have tagged me with a cross-bog top 5 list of quotes that are suppose to define who I am. After much reflection I have decided on these:

• "You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" - Vizzini
• "How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Some day they may be scarce." - Captain Renault
• "So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb." - Dark Helmet
• "I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage
• "Unless I am wrong; and I am never wrong." - Prince Humperdinck

You're "it" now Schmidt...

You Get What You Vote For...

The bumbling mayor of New Orleans is at it again; and to think the voters could have kicked this fool out of office a few months ago. Read as Ray Nagin takes a swipe at New York City [after the interviewing reporter questions the progress in New Orleans]:

"That’s alright. You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair."

Fair, you incompetent fool? Your leadership during Katrina was a how-not manual of running a city during a crisis. You complain well, but the next time you are comforted with criticism of your leadership, how about owning up to your failures? Just a thought, because referring to someone else's tragedy is a little tacky. Tacky like the green-haired, goth hooker with 50 piercing [with at least 10 in her lip] who propositioned me in the French Quarter while I was visiting my mother about 10 years ago.

And for those that are wondering, my reply was "who is suppose to pay who?" Ah, New Orleans....

The Raven - A Tribute To The Iowa State Fair

Once upon the midway walking wearily, while the I watch the carnies slightly leery,
Watch the white trash walking, severely questioning what they wore,
Staring in amazement and laughing, with eyes wide and caustiously scanning,
I see only five teeth remain through the smile they make while they implore,
"Stop eying my 5th grade daughter," I mutter, she's not your next score,
The fair has barely started, I can only imagine what's in store.

A day to remember, on this day when it was almost September,
Buy an Oreo deep fried or a Twinkie on a stick for dollars four,
Already wishing it was the 'morrow, because of mass cash I must borrow,
Forty-five minutes into the five hours we must spend, the kids are starting to bore,
"Look a big pig or funny looking man...hey Dad I am starting to bore,"
The whining will reach a level that can't be ignored.

We went to find our seats near the stage, too many people I begin to rage,
A two hour wait to see the Raven of the Disney channel yore,
"Is it time to go?" is asked still 60 minutes from the start of the show,
I must give the mad props for starting the show promptly at four,
She came out rapping, singing, dancing across the stage floor,
To prepubescence screams crying "more, more, more!'

Merclessly the day starts winding, I hope the car we will have no trouble finding,
But past the carnies one last time we must walk, "you can't lose" they still implore,
In Metallica shirts that barely fit, they are relentless in peddling their s....
The hole in my wallet is deep and painful, and wonder what I did this fore?
Sunburned and tired with feet that are blistered and sore,
I've had my fill of the fair, no more!

No flippin' more!

The End.

Doomsday Wasn't Quite What I Expected...It Lacked A Few Fireworks

To further my attack on the stupidity that flows so freely on Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish, I submit this post from guest blogger, Michael J. Totten, that felt a little sarcasm was in order to illustrate the fact that August 22 was not, in fact, doomsday. Unfortunately, I felt his sarcasm fell far short of the proper level needed to make his point, so I have picked up the torch and will properly finish his thought.

Not only was August 22 not doomsday, but it further shows how far the Bush administration will go to instill fear into the hearts of Americans. Not unlike the honorable Hugo Chavez, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinallahisabomb is merely made to look like the enemy to draw attention away from the real anti-Christ; our own Dick Cheney, the true President of the United States [Karl Rove is the Vice President]. Israel is the terrorist state. Iraq is a quagmire in the amidst of a civil war. Those arrested in connection of the "alleged" terrorist attempt to blow up planes bound from the UK to the US, were simply homesick travellers looking to get home to their mommies. Terrorism actually does not exist and 9/11 was staged to give Bush a reason to bomb camels and tents in Afghanistan.

Now if you will be so kind as to excuse me, I must now retire and place my head back in the sand.

[flomp]

So, maybe August 22 wasn't doomsday...this time.

Lowered Expectations...

SNL to make wholesale changes as four cast members are to be fired and other changes are forth coming.

I don't suppose it would be asking too much of Loren Michaels expect it to be funny again. How about starting with an occasionally smirk or two and we will go from there...

I Question The Timing Of The Charges

It seems at least 11 of those "alleged" terror suspects arrested in the UK on 8/10, are going to have their day in court to face charges of "conspiracy to murder and preparing acts of terrorism."

Metropolitan Police deputy assistant commissioner Peter Clarke said the investigation was "immense" and would go on for many months.

He said video and audio recordings, bomb-making equipment, electrical components, hydrogen peroxide and martyrdom videos had been found.

"We have found more than 400 computers, 200 mobile telephones and 8,000 items of removable storage media such as memory sticks, CDs and DVDs," he said.

He added: "I would like to reassure the public that we are doing everything we can to keep you safe ... however we must be realistic.

"The threat from terrorism is real. It is here, it is deadly and it is enduring." [Sky News]

So, I quickly rush over to Andrew Sullivan's The Daily Dish to get his take on these new charges, but conspiculousy there is no update. Remember, Mr. Sullivan lamanted:

I'd be interested in the number of plotters who had passports. How could they even stage a dummy-run with no passports? And what bomb-making materials did they actually have? These seem like legitimate questions to me; the British authorities have produced no evidence so far. If the only evidence they have was from torturing someone in Pakistan, then they have nothing that can stand up in anything like a court.

Well, Andrew appearantly the Brittish authorities believe their charges will stand up in court. They, of course, might be privy to information that you don't have, but that is pure spectulation on my part.

Then again, maybe there is some worthless senate race that swung towards the Democratic side this past weekend and Bush administration forced the Brits into issuing a bunch of trumped up charges to divert the media's attention. Then again, maybe not...

I would suggest the Andrew and the rest of the left take Metropolitan Police deputy assistant commissioner Peter Clarke's words to heart: "The threat from terrorism is real. It is here, it is deadly and it is enduring."

Groupie

Well, it's official I have a groupie. He started stalking me after my brilliant post a few days ago dealing with the cordless power tool name GlenNnnnNnn Keennnannn. Apparently, Glen [aka Satan37, pictured] thinks himself tough enough to have newspaper articles written about his stupid personalized license plate, but once a blogger starts to comment on it that is crossing the line. Here is my first fan site, not exactly what I expected, but hey I guess I can't be choosy.

I will be honest it is going to be a test of my manhood to deal with the fact that my stalker is male. I guess I always hoped it would be a female, but a groupie is a groupie. I imagine he has notebook pages full of "Jordan N' Satan Together 4ever" and "Mrs. Satan Jordan."

Sorry, Glen I am a taken man, it's best that you just try on move on now. The pain of my rejection will numb over time and you will find another blogger to latch on to. Lets face it, we are too different of people for it to ever work. You're the prince of darkness, I straddle the lines of Christianity. You use profanity like a fifth grader, I graduated from high school. You like men, I sleep with my wife every night.

So, genius let me offer you some free advice: if you can't handle the blogosphere writing about your juvenile personalized license plates, then I suggest you don't have newspaper articles written about you.

Man, you are such a SMF [which could mean smurfs masturbating furiously, but it doesn't so don't get excited].

In A Word Exclusive: Chet Culver Emphatic Debate Fist Grand Jury Testimony

As the furor over the alleged sexual relationship between Chet Culver's emphatic debate fist and Mrs. Culver continues to grow, In A Word has called for a grand jury investigation to settle this debate once and for all. What follows is the transcript:

(Unknown) Mr. Fist, would you raise your right...um...hand, please? Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you're about to give in this matter will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Mr. Fist: I do [thumb up for emphasis]

Sol Wisenberg: Good morning.

Mr. Fist: Good morning to you too, sir.

Sol Wisenberg: My name is Sol Wisenberg. I'm a deputy independent counsel with the Office of Independent Counsel of the Department of the Independent Council Affairs of the Declaration of Independence.

At the courthouse are the ladies and gentlemen of the grand jury prepared to receive your testimony as you give it. Do you understand, sir?

Mr. Fist: Yes.

Sol Wisenberg: Mr. Fist, were you physically intimate with Mrs. Culver?

Mr. Fist: Can you please define the word "were?"

Sol Wisenberg: Were: "used with the present participle of a verb to express a continuing action."

Mr. Fist: Oh, well in the that case: I...did not...have sexual...relations...with that woman. "Having" would more clearly define our relationship.

The Democratic Road Map For America's Future

Howard Dean said that if America rises up and votes the Democrats back into a majority, they would balance the federal budget. Now usually this the part where I point out that Democrats are wonderful with promises, but not so great with the specifics. Not today!

When pressed on how the Democrats had planned to balance the budget, Dean simply replied "leprechauns."

"There are pots o' gold at the ends of a rainbow, we just need to figure out how to find them," Dean explained while holding the Democrats' Plan for America's Fiscal Independence above his head [pictured], "if Bush hadn't diverted our resources with a needless war in Iraq, we would have found them by now."

Crossing The Lines Of Decency

I realize at the age of 32 I am starting to get old. However, to make sure I am not losing my mind, I would like the reader's take on two situations and tell me which one crossed the lines of decency and taste [or maybe both do].

Situation A: My Posts From Juice

Back on dmJuice.com I wrote a couple of posts dealing with Chet Culver's emphatic debate fist. You can reacquaint yourself with those posts here and here. Throughout both of those posts I implied Mrs. Culver was having an affair with the fist [to be clear, that would also be her husband's fist]. I felt I was not vulgar, and left most of the conclusions to be drawn by the reader.

Situation B: Juice Reader Brickbat's comments on dmJuice.com [subsequently deleted by Juice]

Brickbat claims I crossed a line by saying Mrs. Culver was having an affair with her husband's fist. I claimed it was satire. He claimed I wouldn't like it if some talked about my wife like that. I countered with I wouldn't care and I said I certainly wouldn't censor their speech. Brickbat's response to my reply was something along these lines:

"Hey Jordan, I hope the nearest convicted sex offender rapes and fist fucks your wife in the parking lot of your roach infested 'small business.'"

Now it is your turn, dear readers, did we both cross the line of decency or am I right in thinking that Brickbat is one seriously disturbed human being? There is civil discourse and then there is Brickbat's comments. We can debate, but not when the opposition proposes felonies against people they disagree with.

To further illustrate my point may I direct your attention to my previous post and the comments that accompany it...

ITMFA: Acronym For Mental Midgets

It seems Glen Keenan is upset because the state of Iowa wishes him to turn in his personalized plates which read: "ITMFA."

"I don't know what to do, but I don't think so," said Keenan, a lifelong Iowan from Jefferson County. "It's not an obscene message. I really don't understand why I wouldn't be allowed to keep them."

Oh, Glen understands why he can't keep them, he's just playing dumb [or maybe he isn't playing?]. You see the ITMFA stands for "Impeach the Mother Fucker Already." If you have your tin foil hats handy you can visit their site here.

"I don't know what the big deal is with mine," said Keenan, 41. "My plate isn't vulgar. It's simply a series of letters than can mean any number of things."

"Sure," he said. "It can mean 'Impeach the Miserable Failure Already.' Or it could mean 'Information Technology Masters Fine Arts.' You could think of lots of things. I mean, any vehicle with an 'F' on the license plate could be objectionable to somebody."

No, Glen it's called intent and you know it. However, I actually hope he gets to keep his childish license plate, because websites like ITMFA.com do more to hurt people like Glen and their own credibility. No sane person would take anything Glenn Keenan has to say seriously. He has and will continue to ruin his own reputation. I say, let him continue to do so. Besides, when was the last time you acted on what you saw on a license plate? "Hey, that PT Cruiser has a license plate that says impeach Bush. You're on plate, let's do it! I always let thin pieces of metal screwed to a car do my thinking for me."

However, what makes Glenn my nomination for In A Word's Cordless Power Tool of the Week, is the fact that he poses with his children next to his political slogans. That's just great Glenn, how about letting your kids be kids without using them as pawns. Time to grow up you SMF [which of course could stand for my "super mature friend," but then we both know it doesn't].

[H/T Real World Politico]

The DNC's JP&R of the US Troops

Ever wonder how the Democrats get away with supporting the troops but not the war effort? Hundreds of platitudes, in honor of the GIs, nailed against the wall along with destructive words like: quagmire. Well, In A Word has uncovered the DNC's job performance review of troops in Iraq.

Job Performance and Review

Employee's name: American Troops
Reviewing Supervisor: Howard Dean, Chairman DNC.
Knowledge of Work:
The general manner in which this war as been fought suggests a general lack of proper planning. Why you didn't used a little hindsight before you went to war is troubling to Democrats. Mr. Dean has played America's Army and he knows how to win a war. Even the press knows how to win a war. So why doesn't the average GI know who to win a war?

Quality of Work:
It started with Abu Ghraib prison and has went downhill fast. John Kerry warned us you had been terrorizing women and children, but no one listened. What followed were murders and atrocities that only Ghengis Khan could have dreamt of.

Quality of Work [timeliness]:
As every Democrat knows, the maximum time it takes to invade a country, wage a war, overthrow a government, rebuild the infrastructure, create a new Constitution, ratify said Constitution, elect officials, create a new justice system, and undo thousands of years of fighting and killing in the Middle East is exactly 2 years and 45 days. Clearly you have failed to complete your work in a timely manner.

Attention to Safety:
Humanitarian organizations report civilian deaths in upwards of 100,000 [mostly cute little children]. This is completely unacceptable. It has been made clear you are to fight the enemy while not harming their human shields.

Goals and Objectives:
It's not in the DNC's nature to offer solutions and objectives before a problem arises, however we believe everyone else should. The DNC exists to tell you what has gone wrong, after it has gone wrong. In absence of a coherent thought we have decided is time to relieve you of duty and bring home all troops by December 2006. We have no doubt that once the American presence in Iraq is eliminated, the country will magically create a democracy on its' own. History has taught us that democracies spontaneously form out of thin air [in a bloodless way, of course] all the time, you just have to click your heels together. You will be eligible of unemployment benefits; Mr. Lieberman can show you how to fill out the forms.

Conclusion:
You job performance has been horrible. The best words to describe the situation in Iraq is quagmire and civil unrest. Thousands of innocent people are killed everyday in your skirmishes with the insurgents. Terrorists are basically running the country. We would have been better off leaving Saddam Hussein in power.

So, in closing the DNC would like to say how much we support the troops and job you are doing. Keep up the...er...good work...

Is it time for the photo shoot?

Sanity Lost

When every event that occurs throughout the world is a conspiracy, how do you know what is real and what is fake? Well you listen to the liberal left of course, because apparently they hold some magic talisman that allows them to see the truth that conservatives could otherwise not detect.

The leftwingnutosphere has been a buzz with the idea that the foiled 8/10 terror plot in England was just a ruse by two of the greatest practical jokers the world has ever known, President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair. According to Andrew Sullivan this fake bust on an "alleged" terror ring was nothing more than a diversion from the greatest Democratic primary victory ever and to steal Ned Lamont's thunder, overshadow Israel's defeat, and the mask the Iraqi quagmire:

I wonder if Lieberman's defeat, the resilience of Hezbollah in Lebanon, and the emergence of a Hezbollah-style government in Iraq had any bearing on the decision by Bush and Blair to pre-empt the British police and order this alleged plot disabled.

I wonder a few things also, Mr. Sullivan, but they all deal with white coats and padded cells.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If Bush and Blair don't bring in terrorists "they aren't doing enough to keep us safe." If Bush and Blair bring in terrorists "they are merely parading some two-bit wannabe terrorists in front of the press for political points."

Give me a break. How about spending less time thinking every action by the Bush administration is some deep, dark sinister conspiracy? And instead of complaining, how about offering a few solutions? A novel idea I know, but I am just throwing it out there...

[H/T Protein Wisdom and IowaHawk for the Oujia Board picture]

Love Letter - An In A Word Mad Lib

Dear Sweetheart,

I lay awake all the Jurassic period thinking of you, your moist smile, and our tryst in the mountains. Lustfully, I recall our meeting, how my heart screwed with deceit when I first saw you. How bizarre you looked in that yellow jock strap and those two moldy socks on your warts!

I cherished every moment we were together and was flat when our date came to a close. I can't say how anxiously I regret spilling urine on your arm pit; you were excited about it, however, for which I am grateful. You are so beautiful when you're excited.

You're barren most other times. Your eyes are like deep pools of Dr. Pepper, warmed in the moonlight. Your cheeks are as rosy as howler monkeys. Your lips are like succulent grits. Your hair is green like a wombat on a summer's day. Your moles are two tiny rhombuses of dumb ass pasty white conservative blogger.

I can't wait to waste with you again. Write soon.

Furiously ,

The Readers of In A Word

And for giggles, I put the Mad Lib in the Dialectizer to see how our homeboy, Iranian President Mahmood Ahmallahisabomb would have written the Love Letter to his hoes...

Dear Sweedeart,

I lay awake all de Jurassic puh'iod dinkin' uh ya', yo' moist smile, and our tryst in de mountains. Lustfully, ah' recall our meetin', how mah' heart screwed wid deceit when ah' fust saw ya'. How bizarre ya' looked in dat yellow jock strap and dose two moldy socks on yo' warts! Right on! I cherished every moment we wuz togeda' and wuz flat when our date came t'a close. ah' can't say how anxiously ah' regret spillin' urine on yo' arm pit; ya' wuz 'sited about it, however, fo' which ah' am grateful. You's is so fine when youse 'sited. Youse barren most oda' times. Yo' eyes is likes deep pools uh Doc Peppuh', warmed in de moonlight. Man! Yo' cheeks is as rosy as howla' monkeys. Yo' lips is likes succulent grits. Yo' fro be green likes some wombat on some summer's day. Slap mah fro! Yo' moles is two tiny rhombuses uh dumb ass pasty honky conservative blogger. Ah be baaad... I kin't wait t'wuzte wid ya' again. 'S coo', bro. Scribble soon. 'S coo', bro.

Furiously , De Eyeballers uh In A Wo'd

Did You Hear The One About The Hypocrite Senator From Illinois?

So this young Senator from Illinois walks into a town hall meeting...

He gives a fire and brimstone speech about the effects of global warming and how those that drive gas guzzling SUVs are directly responsible. Drive hybrids he shouted. Drive environmentally friendly cars, as it your duty as an American and a Democrat.

Then he left the meeting in his GMC Envoy SUV.

The End.

Dirty Old Man

"I hate it."

That was former President Bill Clinton personal assessment of turning 60 years old.

Apparently, it creeps out the young 20 year old interns to have a someone old enough to be their grandfather hitting on them.

Clinton added, "I am still coming to grips with the fact that Hillary is now sexy one in our power marriage of convenience."

In A Word: Mad Libs

So, I am a bored blogger with no real angst this morning. I don't feel compelled to engage, you the reader, with some deep insightful post. Then I thought Mad Libs are a good way to break boredom. I have been doing Mad Libs with Daren since middle school ["she turned to her hard lover, Daren 'quick, cover yourself with the American History book'"]. Then, when Daren went through his awkward strung out on drugs/ male prostitute stage while living in my basement, we drew my wife into our perverse little world of Mad libs [Mr. Strap-On Penis jumped up and yelled something about Richard Gere's hamster, but it was too late we were all covered in Big Bird's jism].

I will give a list of nouns, adjectives, etc. and you guys use the comment section [In Your Words] to give me suggestions. I will compile the ones I like the most and insert them into a predetermined Mad Lib. I will not manipulate the story at all as I will insert the words randomly.

Get creative. You guys regularly make me laugh out when I read the comments, so I know you can come up with some funny items. I will post the reader generated Mad Lib tomorrow, so you have all day to think.

Oldies but goodies from the past for me have been: Mary - Mom of God, the use of a cuss words, liquids, topical references and sexual references.

The story is called: "Love Letter"

We need:

• plural noun
• abstract noun
• abstract noun
• adjective
• adjective
• adjective
• adjective
• adjective
• adverb
• adverb
• past tense verb
• present tense verb
• animal
  
• geographical terrain

Time to get sick and twisted you freaks, but keep it sort of clean. You know in a inflatable sheep sort of way...

There Goes The Blogosphere

Iranian President Mahmood Ahmallahisabomb has started his own blog. If I am reading the Arabic correctly I believe the Daily Kos and the Democratic Underground are in the links section. You can click the little American flag to swap between Arabic and English, but I am always there for my readers so let me translate the post for you to save a little time:

4 Shizzle my peeps, Master MyMood has finally got the hook up with a bling blog. I'll be slinging it hardcore and keeping the infidels in my crosshairs. I am the leader of a rogue Middle East country [I am not telling you which one for privacy reasons]. Over the next few weeks I will be tackling conspiracy theories such as the Holocaust and the world being round.

So sit back, strap on some high explosives and let me blow your mind.

Please remember to bookmark my blog and don't forget to link back if you reference my blog. It about hit counts baby! And let keep it clean in the comments, save the lewd dialogue for your virgins in the afterlife.

Later bi-atches

[H/T My Left Wing]

A Very Personal Conversation With My Blog

In A Word: So I see your two-bit Juice floosie blog kicked your ass to the curb and now you've come trolling around on my doorstep again.

Jordan: Hey, you know it isn't like that. Besides, you will always be my first blog.

In A Word: Are you going to leave me every time some high traffic blog walks by with that "come hither and write for us" look in their eyes?

Jordan: Well...you know how it is. A blogger can blog, can't he?

In A Word: Oh I know alright. For the last six months you have used me to host pictures that Juice wouldn't publish on their server. You've come and used my links section to visit your favorite sites, but never once opened up and wrote something exclusively for me. Maybe it would have been better if you would have just deleted me.

Jordan: Whoa...whoa...whoa! We never said I couldn't see other blogs. And besides right before I left for Juice I gave you a nice, crisp, sharp looking new template.

In A Word: I never asked for the rain droplet background. You were the one that made me feel inferior. You were the one that couldn't handle the fact that thousands of other Blogger blogs looked just like me.

Jordan: Oh, I see how it is. It's all about me now, is it? How about the times you froze up and I lost hours of hard work? Or the times you would go down for hours or days at a time? God only knows how much traffic has been lost to your temperamental behavior.

In A Word: ...

Jordan: ...

In A Word: So, where does this leave us?

Jordan: Lets just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

In A Word: Yeah, o.k. I have to admit it is kind of nice having you back, but I do have one favor to ask you.

Jordan: What's that?

In A Word: Any chance you can get yourself checked for viruses? You never know where those Juice blogs have been...

Final Retrospective

I refuse to dwell on what happened with my dismissal from Juice, but an interesting thing happened in the days following my departure. I received a lot of support from those that I slung the most poison arrows towards. It just reaffirms my belief that people love to debate and argue, but hopefully when it is all said and done we can all metaphorically throw back a beer together.

I have never taken my blog too serious, so I hope none of the readers do either. The sarcasm flows freely in both directions, but comes so much easier when I bash the left. If you were to travel back to the very first post I did here on In A Word you would find that I implored the readers to think for themselves. Just because I say something or the Des Moines Register says something doesn't make it true. The wonderful things about the blog is that I can link to what I think is important and you, the reader, can go view it for yourself. Maybe you will agree, maybe you won't, but the point is you made your own decision.

Scour the internet and you will find stories of large newspapers struggling with the rise of the blog. Major newspapers trying to cope with new electronic competition have developed their own blog sites, only to find they don't generate the traffic that the independent blogs do. Why? For the very reason I was kicked off of Juice, because the blog exists for one person's opinion to be heard. However, newspapers like to control their content and with a blog that is nearly impossible.

The "In Your Words"section on this blog is the place to make your voice heard. I have never censored or removed a comment, and believe me after this week I probably never will.

Unity08

Sometimes when one door closes, another opens.

Here is the link to my post on Unity08.com. While I am still skeptical of what Unity08 can accomplish, I believe my post makes a few compelling points. Click away...

Squeezed

After about six months of trying to drive traffic for dmJuice.com, I have been set free due to the post directly underneath this one. I made a statement about the subject matter they allow on their blogs and what they don't. Ironically, I almost prefaced my final Juice post with "this will probably be my final Juice post," simply because it has become apparent the higher ups at the Register can't take a joke. Whether Cavan Reagan, Juice Online Content Manager, was being honest with me or not, but he claimed the decision to remove me from Juice was from higher up in the Des Moines Register. I hate conspiracies, but...

Further irony is that with the new Word Press update they installed I was able to tag any outgoing links with titles. When I linked to the "Confidential Juice Memo" I tagged the link with "It's called satire" and randomly linked another word in the post to a definition of the word "satire."

Not to brag [ok, I am], but I leave Juice as the blogger with the highest traffic and far and away the most comments. With both Corrie Goforth and I gone in the same week, I am having a hard time thinking who is going to be driving traffic to the Juice blogs. Isaiah? Romelle? Michael? Kelli? No offense to those bloggers, but they are exactly engaging.

Moving forward I am working with Kevin Schmidt, Daren Jaques [and hopefully IrishWalsh] to create a blog called The Corn Beltway Boys. I am extremely excited about getting to write along side these guys. It should be a lot of irrelevant fun.

Anyway In A Word will be a buzz with activity now that I don't blog for Juice. I will still be writing as much as I did on Juice. It was time for a change away and as I said in my final Juice post, I really felt like I was throttling my creativity on Juice. In a weird way it is nice to be back on In A Word for awhile.

It feels like a warm comfy quilt wrapped around me.

Confidential Juice Memo

Behind the scenes dmJuice.com [click image to enlarge]:


The content of the email:

From: Cavan Reagan < cavan@dmjuice.com >

To: Jeremie Jordan < jordan1995@gmail.com>

Cc: Yvonne Beasley < ybeasley@desmoine.gannett.com>, "Patterson Plank, Susan" <splank@desmoine.gannett.com >

Date: Aug 2, 2006 11:32 AM

Subject: Blog Comments

Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Report phishing | Show original | Message text garbled?

Juice Bloggers,

I just wanted to reiterate our content guidelines for blogging on Juice. We have had some questionable posts recently and I want to make sure everyone is aware of Juice's expectations. The following should be used as a guideline:

Acceptable topics for Juice:

• Racism
• Drug addiction / fascination
• Sleeping with married men
• Threatening Juice staff members with bodily harm
  
• Posting pictures of yourself in swanky NYC clubs
• Cartoons of Mohammad
  
• Drinking and driving. Bonus points for repeat offensives.
• Bashing everyday people [ex. soccer moms]

Completely UNacceptable topics for Juice:

• Creating a fake email from the Chet Culver campaign insinuating a libel suit against the Des Moines Register and a sexual encounter between Mrs. Culver and a fist.
  

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Blog on!

The Juice Staff

Praying Mantis: The New Democratic Symbol

A praying mantis has taken up residence outside my business in Waukee. Every year between my store and my home I usually see about five praying mantises. Until we moved to Waukee, I hardly ever saw them.

I am usually for a general bug holocaust, but I make an exception for praying mantises and spiders. I have named the praying mantis at my work “Ned Lamont” in honor of his primary election victory over Joe Lieberman. I felt it was fitting, considering the Democrats are now eating their own members.

In A Word Exclusive: The Democratic Agenda Revealed!

CONFIDENTIAL

From the desk of the DNC Chairman

Sensitive information not meant for wide release

Dear Distinguished Democrats,

After years of being adrift with no real purpose or direction as a political party, I am proud to present the Democratic agenda for 2006 and beyond:

• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  
• 
  

And Finally,

• 
  

Respectfully yours,

Howard Dean

Democratic National Committee Chairman

Ahmadinejad In 2008

The letter sent by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to US President George Bush was initially viewed as an outreach of diplomacy. However, news sources out of Washington are now claiming the letter the White House received was due to a mix up at the post office. It seems the letter President Bush received was actually intended to announce and file Mr. Ahmadinejad’s declaration of candidacy to run for the Democratic US Presidential ticket in 2008.

“It was a small clerical mistake and just another example of the mishandling of the US government under the Bush administration,” Iranian spokesman, Gholam-Hossein Elham, said in an interview with NBC’s The Today Show on Wednesday morning. “Through our efforts the letters have been sorted and redelivered to their proper destinations. Praise Allah.”

Ahmadinejad’s announcement of candidacy for Presidency of the United States did not come as a surprise to most of the senior ranking Democrats. Senators Feinstein (D-CA) and Kennedy (D-MA) expressed guarded optimism and said they would withhold their opinion on Ahmadinejad’s Presidential run until they learn more about his stance on other issues.

“Clearly the distinguished gentleman from Tehran has expressed all the right liberal talking points, specifically his feelings on the war in Iraq; but it remains to be seen if he really can accomplish his lofty goals of Jewish annihilation,” stated both Feinstein and Kennedy in a joint news release. “Anyone can make strong anti-Semitic campaign promises, but the real question remains: can he back it up?”

The mix up in letters reportedly sent a panic through the DNC headquarters and its’ Chairman Howard Dean.

“When you get a letter outlining the destruction of the Jewish, the nuking of Israel off the face of the earth and the denial of the Holocaust, it is a little disturbing,” Howard Dean said through a statement in the New York Times. “You really hate to see a candidate show their hand so soon; you generally like to leave that sort of rhetoric for the final days before the primary and caucus elections.”

Speaking in Berkeley, CA during a gathering of college professors discussing the negative effects of democracy on the world, DNC hopeful Ahmadinejad outlined his agenda, while specifically targeting President Bush:

"Would not your administration's political and economic standing have been stronger?" Ahmadinejad asserted, making reference to the waste of billions of dollars being spent on the Iraqi war, "And I am most sorry to say, would there have been an ever- increasing global hatred of the American government?

Ahmadinejad continued, "Lies were told in the Iraqi matter. What was the result? I have no doubt that telling lies is reprehensible in any culture, and you do not like to be lied to. How much longer will the blood of the innocent men, women and children be spilled on the streets, and people's houses destroyed over their heads? Are you pleased with the current condition of the world? Do you think present policies can continue?"

Iowa Senator Tom Harkin and his keen sense for predicting the outcome of Presidential elections had this to say:

“Ahmadinejad seems to really embrace and exude the very essence of what it means to be a modern Democrat. For instance, I really identify with his statement: ‘liberalism and Western-style democracy have not been able to help realize the ideals of humanity. Today these two concepts have failed. Those with insight can already hear the sounds of the shattering and fall of the ideology and thoughts of the liberal democratic systems,’” Harkin said admiringly. “It is refreshing to finally see a true follower of the Democratic principles come out and take such a definitive stance.”

An Interview with Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand Fist

With Chet Culver leading the race for the Democratic nomination to face off for governor of Iowa against the Republican candidate, Jim Nussle, I felt the need to learn more about the man and the myth. A lot has been made about Chet’s inability at public speaking and the lack of debate skills. Then recently as Chet and his lieutenant governor running mate, Janet Reno, began appearing in an almost quasi-romantic political TV ad I started to notice a subtle change in Chet’s delivery.

At first I dismissed what I saw as an anomaly. However, with each successive view of the ad, the gesture became more and more pronounced. I finally concluded Chet had indeed incorporated the Clinton-style emphatic debate hand movements into his speeches. You know the brilliant hand gestures that stresses each word of speaker in an attempt to over emphasize the importance of what is being said. I am calling this the biggest development in the young race for the governorship. Unless, Jim Nussle addresses this startling discovery I fear the public opinion will irreconcilably shift in Chet’s favor. The hand gesture is that strong.

In an attempt to be first news source with this breaking development, In A Word is proud to have secured an exclusive one-on-hand interview with the possible race altering Chet Culver Emphatic Debate Hand:

In A Word [IAW]: Nice to see you again. What has it been, six or seven years?

Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand [Hand]: Has it been that long? It seems like only yesterday I standing in front of the nation emphasizing Bill Clinton’s every word: “I [strong hand gesture] did [strong hand gesture] not [extra strong hand gesture] have sexual [strong but muted hand gesture] relations [strong hand gesture] with that [strong hand gesture] women [strong hand gesture held slightly longer for effect].”

IAW: Yes, clearly that was a defining moment for you, but I was wondering how we now find you on Chet Culver’s right arm?

Hand: Well, the return to civilian life has hit former President Clinton pretty hard. Gone are the defensive and emphatic speeches by day and intern pleasuring at night. The need for my services was starting to wane. About the time we started the boring globetrotting with former President Bush, I get this call from Chet Culver. Well, actually it was Chet’s wife pleading for help; both politically and personally.

IAW: Had you heard of Chet and his horrid speaking skills before his wife called you?

Hand: No, thank God. However, when she called me, Chet was practicing a speech about ethanol in background. As I listened on the phone to Chet talk, I started to get all tingly with the feeling of small needles all over my fingers. I literally feel asleep listening to him drone on. His wife assured me it was worse in person. I parted ways with Mr. Clinton and immediately boarded a plane for Iowa.

IAW: Well noticed you effects right away. What do you attribute your success to?

Hand: My background is in sales and all those years selling used cars taught me it’s about sizzle and not the steak. Politics is no different. Half the time the politician doesn’t have a clue what he/she is talking about. That is why my job is so important. While Chet is prattling on about how he is the right man to be governor of Iowa, my duty is to distract and hypnotize the audience to away from what he is saying. If I do my job correctly, everyone will be watching me and not Chet screwing up.

IAW: If I may say so, I am very impressed by the dramatic effect you’ve had on Chet’s speeches. I have no idea what Chet is saying during his commercials, but I always watch his hand. In fact, I look forward to seeing the bobbing thumb and fist.

Hand: I really am that good. In fact, during a recent speech Chet staring talking about his rubber ducky and people started applauding when I emphasized the words “squeaky squeakers.” They had no idea what he was talking about, but the crowd was so tuned into to me that they didn’t even notice Chet’s stupid monologue. Unfortunately, my skills don’t transfer very well to paper or I would offer my services in an attempt to help revive your sorry, sad blog.

A More Perfect Jordan

Concerned About Public Safety, the Rest of the Nation Asks Arkansas to Quarantine Itself

Unfortunately the following post is the type of tripe I write when I sit on an idea for a story for an entire week. Sometimes is ripens and becomes funny other times it festers and wilts. However, since this is my main blog now, you guys get both the good and the bad. And yes, I am aware there have been very little “good” posts lately, but then I never claimed to be Hemmingway…

Little Rock, Ark [Juice newswire]

Arkansas governor, fresh off his victory outlawing smoking in most public places, has returned with his newest health initiative: banning public flatulence.

“There is nothing worse than entering an elevator right after someone exited, only to realize they left behind a pair of Arkansas barking spiders just as the doors close shut, “ Gov. Mike Huckabee said during an open air press conference.

The bill comes on the heels of the growing trend of SBDs being laid throughout the Razorback state and a possible link to Parkinson’s disease.

The proposed bill would exempts bathrooms, kybos, Jim Carrey movies and babies smiling for the first time because they are passing gas.

Violators would face fines for misdemeanors like asking someone to “pull your finger” and would escalate to possible jail time for giving someone a Dutch oven.

The legislation would also ban performing a blow-by while in a car with children younger than 6 years old or still restrained in a car seat and placed directly behind an adult.

Bill sponsor Democrat Bob Mathis stated, “It galls me to no end to know that fathers are laying down a burner on the car ride home from the Chinese buffet and there is nothing the poor child can do about it.”

Mathis went on to say it maybe a little difficult to determine who the offenders are, but that the state was hoping people would police themselves. “It has always been my experience that whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Mathis added.

Huckabee said he was inclined to pass the bill if it reaches his desk.

“Believe me, there is nothing worse than turning down the snack aisle at the Winn Dixie looking for the double stuffed Oreos, only to find yourself walking right into some else’s aftershocks,” Huckabee explained, “I mean, come on, it is grocery store for crimney sakes, people have to eat this food someday.”

Side note: In case you were wondering, this is my way of saying I think the Arkansas ban on smoking is wrong. And I hate smoking…

Just Lose It

There is rational discussion and then there is this, this and this.

Someone please explain to me how hateful, vile, fear pandering blogs contribute to the national discourse on politics? Someone please explain to me how wishing cancer on the sitting US President is considered constructive. Explain to me how making a statement like the following quote opens up lines of debate with people of opposing viewpoints?

"It was rather though[t]less of me to compare the most asinine, brutal, criminal, disgusting, enraging, felonious, gross, horrendous, incompetent, jaundiced, kleptocratic, lazy, malicious, nefarious, objectional, psychopathic, quarrelsome, repulsive, sanctimonious, treasonous, unfit, vindictive, wasteful, xenophobic, yahooish, zealotic piece of shit inhabiting the White House and the planet to persons suffering with a neurobiological disorder." – Bill [From both a Washington Times article and the comments thread on My Left Wing, were a poster apologizes for comparing President Bush to those with ADD]

Let me be perfectly clear, if this is how the liberals are going to take back the White House, maybe we could leave the current Republican leadership in power and donate all the money saved by not having any campaigns and give it to some worthy cause. Because people, this type of rhetoric is NOT going to win back the White House. Hateful blog posts don’t vote. Hateful blog posts don’t cause people to vote.

Maybe I am the only Republican hoping for some Democratic victories this fall, but we need some constructive dialogue in this country again. I find myself wanting to learn more about the Democratic candidates and possibly voting for them because I want to send a message to the Republicans that they aren’t representing the values that put them in power.

However, you can’t say things like "Bush Must Be HIV Positive By Now (you can't fuck 500 million people and not get infected) [Maryscott O’Connor-My Right Wing],” and expect impressionable, swing voters to listen. Actually, quite the opposite will happen and they will turn against you. There is a time for preaching to the choir, and that time is not right now.

Now before you start piling on me, and start saying I am just the right wing version of what I am trashing, I caution you to prove it. I admit I take strong stances against some of the politicians and positions of the left, but never have I wished them to die, contract cancer, and I rarely, if ever, use profanity. I am actually looking for discussions with opposing viewpoints, hence the reason I choose to write on Juice for awhile. I found my other blog, In A Word, was heading down the path towards becoming another wingnut hangout. I want to mix it up. I want to write something and have someone tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, rather than constantly agreeing with me. .

I believe if political blogs could effect elections, then the Daily Kos would have won the 2004 Presidential bid for Kerry, but it didn’t. In fact, you can probably make the case the Daily Kos hurt Kerry’s chances by causing the extreme right to rush to the polls.

It is time for some insightful messages from both parties and their supporters in an effort to move us forward as a nation. We all gravitate towards like minded people as a haven against what is going on the in world, and that is fine. However, to affect change you need a wide ranging and attentive audience, and blogs like My Right Wing, the Daily Kos and the Rude Pundit don’t have that.

It is my fear that those types of blogs are starting to become representive of the Democratic Party, and if so the whole country is in trouble.

Sexual History

When California heard Vermont Democrats were calling for the impeachment of George Bush, the gold rush state felt it was an attack on their designation as the “most liberal state in the union.” In an effort to reassert themselves as the rightful leaders of common sense killing in America, legislature in California introduced a bill to bleach the K-12 textbooks of traditional sexual orientation and family.

Now before you start piling on me like I am some gay bashing conservative blogger, hear me out on this one. Anyone who knows me knows my stance on homosexuality is this: life is too damn short to sit around condemning people for trying to be happy with the little time they have on this planet. Furthermore, I don’t think I am the one who should be deciding right and wrong for other people’s sexual orientation. Homosexuality is one area where I believe people should do what feels right regardless of established public opinion.

However, that said I do not believe we should resort to removing from our school books normal sexual orientation or normal family values. To be honest, when I learned about Abraham Lincoln leading this country out of a civil war and freeing the slaves, I don’t recall any mention of his sexual orientation. Nor do I believe whether he went home to his wife or gay lover has any bearing on outcome of his actions.

I find this bill to be another example of political correctness gone too far. In contrast to CA SB 1437, I don’t believe we need to introduce legislation that supports teaching kids that George Washington loved his wife and they had wild passionate sex. Now, if there was a case in history that held some gay significance, and showed a person overcoming homosexual prejudice and other obstacles to achieve greatest then I would understand. However, most theories on historical figures’ sexual orientation are pure conjecture.

California already has laws protecting gay rights and preventing discrimination based on sexual preference, so I find the recently introduced bill to be overkill. Don’t bleach history to appease the current politically correct movement. I believe this type of legislation to be an affront to be heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, as it tends to send anti-gay groups into frenzy. Thus, once again putting the gay community on the defensive and also does nothing to help us come together as a country on this issue.

Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime II

If you are like me, then there are music albums that define certain periods in your life. One chord from any song off those albums will flood your mind with memories, both pleasant and strained. Queensryche’s groundbreaking Operation: Mindcrime is one such album for me. Operation: Mindcrime represents the time in my life in which my world was changing, both figuratively and literally. My mother had accepted a job in Houston, Texas I was about to live outside of Iowa for the first time in my life. Throw in the fact I was corn-fed Iowa boy about to endure his teen years in a big city and music became the perfect escape.

Queensryche’s opus was also one of first metal albums I owned and definitely the first concept album I owned. I grew up on the Beatles, Skynyrd, Bob Seger, Journey and Van Halen, but the progressive metal band from Seattle started my evolution to harder music. Granted I would take unfortunate backslides in my musical tastes throughout my teen years [I hate you Def Leppard for stealing hours of my life with Hysteria], but there was always one constant: Mindcrime. The idea that a band would weave a story through an entire album had me hooked.

Mindcrime had it all: a young street urchin turned political assassin, a doctor using drugs to manipulate people’s minds, a hooker turned nun, and a corrupt TV evangelist who helped funnel money throughout the doctor’s crime syndicate. All of these characters play out a murder-mystery story that caused me to go through no less than two cassette tapes and two CDs. I have no doubt that Mindcrime is the album I have listened to most in my lifetime.

Where am I going with story? Well, last year Queensryche announced they were planning a sequel to arguably the best rock concept album of all time and this Tuesday marks the official release date for Operation: Mindcrime II. Through the magic of the Internet I have already had the chance to hear the entire album about 6-7 times through.

I while I am looking forward to picking up the official copy of the album for the lyrics and liner notes, I can honestly say after listening to the album a few times it is a worthy follow up to the original. However, my initial impression of the album remains; it feels “over” produced. The songs on the original Mindcrime were able to stand on their own apart from plotlines on rest of the album. You could listen to “I Don’t Believe In Love” without knowing that it was a link in a string of songs telling a story.

Mindcrime II is more of a musical than a hard rock album. Queensryche’s singer, Geoff Tate, is joined by Pamela Moore as the voice of Mary [the dead prostate/nun] and Ronnie James Dio as the voice of Dr. X. I suppose that is what separates Mindcrime II right away from the first album is amount of duet songs. On Mindcrime Geoff Tate handled all the vocals, save Mary’s lines in the song “Suite Sister Mary.” If I want show tunes, I’ll listen to Phantom of the Opera, but when I put in a Queensryche CD, I want Geoff handling the bulk of the vocals.

Don’t get me wrong; the duet songs are typically well done. However, they weren’t what I was expecting, so it took awhile to get used to them. So, far the stand out songs in my opinion are: “I’m American,” “Hostage,” “The Hands,” “The Chase,” and “Re-Arrange Me.” My initial understanding of Mindcrime II’s storyline revolves around Nikki [the street urchin] getting released from prison and setting out to confront Dr. X and some other demons from his past.

If you are a fan of progressive metal, I can safely recommend Queensryche’s Operation: Mindcrime II. Of course, it doesn’t completely live up to the original album, however it is worthy of its’ own praise.

Now if you will allow me a moment to play the role of a frou-frou blog for a moment, I would like to know what albums, throughout your lifetime, have influenced you the most? Heed this warning though; I will make fun of the first person that lists Huey Lewis and the News or Michael Bolton.