34% Of Democrats Want The Iraq War To Fail

Here's a depressing poll:

Do you personally want the Iraq plan President Bush announced last week to succeed?

Overall: 63% Yes 22% No 15% Don’t Know

Democrats: 51% Yes 34% No 15% Don’t Know

Republicans: 79% Yes 11% No 10% Don’t Know

Independents 63% Yes 19% No 17% Don’t Know

49% of all Democrats, you know the ones who "support the troops," don't want Bush's increased troop levels to work or don't know if they want it to work. I guess here is where having blind patriotism is clouding my judgment, but my answer to this question would have been different. Bush controls troop deployment. The increase is going to happen, to that there is no discussion. Knowing the increase is going to happen no matter what some stupid opinion poll of Monday morning, arm chair strategic war planners says, "wanting" the additional troop levels to end the violence is the ONLY answer. If the troop increase succeeds, the troops come home. Having them fail will only keep them there longer.

To be fair, 22% of Republicans feel the same way as the Defeatocrats. I just can't imagine wanting the troops to fail. Hate George Bush if you must. Hate the war. But for God's sake WANT the troops to succeed.

Well this seals it for me...Americans are a bunch of fucking idiots whose think their opinions matters. Of course I say that while I write a blog post...oh how I do love irony.

H/T: Ace Of Spades

Erecting A Momument To Prostitution

It's being reported that Amsterdam is to receive a statue in dedication to the real working girls around the world:

The statue represents a self-assured woman, her hands on her hips, looking sideways towards the sky, and standing on a doorstep, ANP said.

The precise place where the statue will be laid and its title have not yet been announced, it said.

Wait...

Did the news article just say they have not announced the precise the place the statue will be laid?

Well crap I've got nothing else, the reporter already took the best joke...

Literasly

Ah Chet, it's going to be a glorious four years. Granted your policy decisions will likely run me out of business, but as far as blogging is concerned you're mine...



It's sad really, when you consider how hard Iowa has worked to eliminate illiteracy and yet the new governor somehow slipped through the cracks.

Scenes From A County Road

Where US highway 59 and county road 175 overlap lies the sleepy, western Iowa town of Ida Grove. In a portion of the state that has never seen any sustained urban growth, Ida Grove continues to defy the slow death being inflicted on so many of Iowa's small towns. As the family farm races to extinction and the rural population dwindles, tiny communities that dotted Iowa's once vibrant countryside are starting to age. With that age comes decaying infrastructures with few resources to rebuild them. Fortunately Ida Grove has been spared that fate.

In the 1960s, Ida Grove saw the birth of Gomaco industries which was initially an offshoot of Godbersen-Smith Construction Company. Founded by an area resident of Ida Grove, Harold Godbersen, Gomaco would further expand the great fortune that Harold's brother Byron had already brought to this unique town. Between the two brother they would go on to bring over 900 jobs to a town of just 2350. Midwest Industries, Byron's Originals and the numerous spin offs of Gomaco have allowed Ida Grove to enjoy countless civic improvements that wouldn't have been possible without the brothers Godbersen's philanthropic endeavors. The tax base just wouldn't have allow what the brothers did privately. The following is just a partial list of the civic services Harold and Bryon had a hand in creating: the Skate Palace and Veteran's Memorial Lake, the high school sports complex, a newspaper, the country club house and bridge, the Ida Grove Airport, and the quirky castle architecture that adorn the Godbersen businesses and was replicated by countless others to give Ida Grove its' own distinct image. Even today in the years since the deaths of Harold and Byron their influence lives on, bringing prosperity to a corner of Iowa that time forgot.

As the various industries of the Godbersens began to grow, the elected officials of Ida Grove did something brilliant...they stayed out of the way. Instead of taxing Gomaco and Midwest Industries into oblivion and funneling that revenue through government bureaucracy, lawmakers put the future of Ida Grove in hands of its' citizens. In doing so, the entrepreneur spirit that once drove greatness in America took over.

The history of Ida Grove should be a blueprint for today's lawmakers who seem intent on meddling in private businesses. The Godbersen brothers showed that capitalism works and works so well that an entire community gets to enjoy the wealth of two men. Gomaco and Midwest Industries are nothing more than small businesses that grew beyond the normal definition of what we believe a small business to be. However despite achieving great success Harold, Byron and their respective companies always gave back to their community.

It makes you wonder if the story of Ida Grove can be duplicated in today's society? Can politicians curb their egos long enough to let the private sector handle the problems of our nation? From minimum wage to the tidal wave of massive corporate taxes, our leaders have sent a message to the American people: the private sector can not be trusted and only through government intervention can progress be made.

I disagree. I believe capitalism is working. I believe businesses already give more than they take. I believe that private sector can provide the services to the American people faster and more directly than the government ever could.

As proof, I offer the testament of Ida Grove...

Patriots In The Super Bowl

Congratulations to the New England Patriots for reaching their fourth Super Bowl in the last six years. Tom Brady will be looking to cement his lega....what?

Say that again?

Patriots still must travel to Indianapolis and beat the Colts to get to the Super Bowl? Beating the Chargers wasn't the AFC championship game? Oh....

Well as I was saying, congratulations to the New England Patriots for reaching the Super Bowl for the fourth time in the last six years as it appears they have a bye week coming up.

Hitting Below The Belt

In typical liberal fashion, Barbara Boxer [D-CA] decided to take a personal shot at Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, over the proposed Bush administration's increasing of troop levels in Iraq.

"Who pays the price? I'm not going to pay a personal price," Boxer said. "My kids are too old, and my grandchild is too young."

Then, to Rice: "You're not going to pay a particular price, as I understand it, with an immediate family."

Classless, childish and void of any dialogue to further the debate on the Iraq war. First, lets start with the personal attack on Rice for not having any children who will serve in Iraq. I don't want my leaders weighing important war time decisions on whether or not it will affect their immediate families. Check almost any liberal blog and you will see a button or an advertisement that says something to affect of "send the Bush twins." This attitude is clearly wrong. Bush and Rice need to make overarching policy decisions based on the greater good, not whether Barbara and Jenna will see combat and possibly die.

The war sucks. War should be avoided at all costs. Life is precious, but unfortunately there are times when a nation must call on its' military personnel to make the greatest of all sacrifices; putting their lives on the line. Whether or not a President's son or daughter will be involved in the fighting should be part of the equation for war, but it should not be the overriding reason for it or against it. Basing a military decision solely on the personal welfare of one person just isn't sound policy.

Finally, it has only been a week and a half since Democrats took power of congress and I am already tired of the political posturing on the Iraq war. Let me put it in simple terms, stop bitching about the war and do something. If the Democrats want this war to end, all they have to do is cut the funding. Done, no more war. I've had it with democratic leaders deferring the responsibility to President Bush. The President has made it clear the direction he wishes to go and has never wavered on that position. Right or wrong, you know where Bush stands. Democrats were largely elected on a desire to change the course in Iraq. Well, it's time to reach down, find some integrity and do something.

They bitched when they were the minority, they bitch when they hold the power. I don't suppose it would asking too much for them to just shut up and get some work done? I guess the Democrats are so used to the government coming in and saving them, that now they don't know what to do when they are the "government."

My New Blog

Writing for the Corn Beltway Boys is fine and all, but I found myself becoming more and more Republican by the day. So, in an attempt to stay in touch with my softer more feminine side I have created my own liberal blog. It's place where I can go where pixies really do exist and Ted Kennedy didn't kill anyone.

If you need a break from all the conservative crap spewed here on CBB may I suggest:

The Decade Of The Socialist Iowan

As you will see though, posting is a little light. However, I expect that to change now with the Democrats in power.

Blogging President Bush's Iraq Address Like A Liberal

So I heard from a friend that Bush gave some sort of speech last night about Iraq. I busy doing something else, but I know I would have agreed with him because we both are Republicans. However here I am with a conservative blog, so I feel compelled to write a response. Click on the President's address transcript and my analysis will follows the "More" tag.

Full Text Of President Bush's Speech


Yeah...what he said.

The Des Moines Restaurant Scene

A regular CBB reader and good friend, IrishWalsh, has started a second blog called "The Des Moines Restaurant Scene." The blog is an outlet for him to keep his culinary expertise from atrophying. But hey, why don't I just let him explain it...

----------

The Des Moines Restaurant Scene:
By: IrishWalsh

For those of you who live around my area, or are just fellow foodies I have started another blog called The Des Moines Restaurant Scene. I am trying to invite a few different people to contribute but for now it's my wife and I blogging. We will be writing about different visits to local restaurants and bars with our opinions and experiences from the point of view of people with loads of hospitality industry experience.

They aren't going to be scientifically methodical reviews, just talk about what's going on around town with events, food scene in general.

In addition to this I have added a "Stump IrishWalsh" link to anyone who has ANY sort of food question they can email and try to stump me. Want to make the perfect coq au vin? Pot roast always soggy on the outside and dry in the center? What the hell is "demi-gloss" anyway? Don't know when a steak is cooked properly? Sick of eating crappy store bought hummus? Whatever it is try and stump me and I will do my best. With the exception of baking I can probably come up with a answer for you and I love answering them so keep em coming. If I had the kitchen for it I would teach out of my home and put my 12 years in kitchens and Culinary degree to better use. But I don't so this is the next best thing.

So swing on over and add some input on restaurants, food, wine, beer, events, whatever as long as it has to do with the Des Moines food scene.

----------

When Tiggers Attack

I am pretty sure Walt Disney has a greater chance of being cryogenically brought back to life than this teenager ever has of getting a date:



It seems Jerry Monaco Jr. and the rest of his family were trolling through Walt Disney World when a Disney cast member, dressed in a Tigger costume, unintentionally brushed Monaco's face with his padded, furry paw. At least that's how I see it when I watch the video.

Apparently though, it seems Tigger packs such a left hook that young Monaco required medical attention. Are you kidding me?

"Pretty hard," Jerry Monaco Jr. replied. "I could still feel it even though he was wearing the padded gloves."

It's a good thing Jerry Jr. didn't hit by Piglet or he'd probably be in traction right now. And my condolences to Jerry Sr. for a raising a boy who couldn't even win a pillow fight.

The only thing that truly bothers me is the status of the staff member in the Tigger suit. While the Monaco family is looking to hit the litigation lotto, this soon to be ex-Disney employee is going to be caught in the middle.

Other commenting: Ace Of Spades, Doug Powers

Republicans Sue For Breach Of Contract With America

WASHINGTON, D.C. - If the first few weeks of 2007 are any indication of what lies ahead in the coming twelve months for Republican lawmakers, it's going to be a long year. Getting run from office by the American voters last November and watching rival Democrats take control of Congress, was unfortunately just the start of the troubles that are beginning to mount against American's 'grand ole party.' The Drudge Report is claiming that the remaining Republicans still left from the 1994 election cycle are being sued by the American citizens for breach of contract. Lawsuit contends that after riding the popularity of the 'Contract With America' to election victories most GOP lawmakers failed to uphold their end of the deal.

Drudge was able to secure a portion of the class action lawsuit:

We the taxpayers of the United States, being the hereinafter referred
claimant "America," and being a party to the Contract with America, do
hereby file this class action suit against [the Republicans, the RNC?] for
material, malicious and intentional breach of said Contract with America.

John Boehner [R-OH] one of the remaining congressmen from the 1994 elections, said the lawsuit was "petty and bitter retribution for a campaign promise gone wrong."

"What I don't think the American voters understand is that what is said on the campaign trail, stays on the campaign trail," Boehner explained, "Promises are made to be broken and the 'Contract with America' was nothing short of a marketing ploy. I mean come on, the Democrats have barely been in power for a week and they are already reneging on some of their promises like a five day congressional workweek and increased troop deployments to Iraq. That's just the nature of politics."

Jeremie Jordan, one of the plaintiffs in the lawsuit against the Republicans, disagreed.

"We're not talking about a 'Handshake with America' or a 'Verbal Agreement with America,' we are talking about a 'contract,'" Jordan said, "it has become apparent they understand the word 'contract' about as well as they understand 'fiscal conservative."

Developing, more as it becomes available...

Mythbusting: The Right to Bear Arms? By Daren Jaques

In the video above watch an elderly woman be forcibly tackled and her gun confiscated following Katrina.

In the wake of Katrina, Louisiana and New Orleans law enforcement along with the Louisiana National Guard illegally confiscated lawfully owned firearms from people doing nothing but defending themselves and their homes from roving gangs of looters and rapists. As far as I know, the lawsuit engendered from the fiasco is not yet settled.
If this does not appal you, then shame on you. There is perhaps no greater need for a private citizen to be able to defend himself than in the Mad Max world of something like Katrina. Take note that literally thousands of guns and hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition were stolen by looters from sporting goods stores. These looting gangs were killing innocent people and firing at rescuers. So what did the city do? They looked up to see who the citizens were who had permits for the weapons and went and confiscated them - Right, because the law abiding citizens who register for permits were the bad guys... sure. You know I cannot begin to fathom the stupidity of this.

Here is the bottom line, the 2nd Amendment protects an individuals right to own a handgun. Period. Those agenda-driven left-wing politicians who tell you otherwise are either stupid, willfully ignorant, or blatantly lying. What myth am I busting? The idea that the 2nd amendment protects a state's national guard's right to firearms.

I will not take up this whole page with the historical and legal citations to back up my assertion, but if you don't believe me, then post me a comment. Let's do this!

Sheep

Reprinted for my post on the Corn Beltway Boys

Warning: this post is going to hurt. You will feel great pressure and throbbing against your temples. A sharp pain will form a right above your eyes causing you to rub your forehead in an attempt to numb the suffering. Do not be alarmed though, this is normal because you have common sense. When common sense comes in contact with liberal and democratic thinking it causes a violent reaction. If you think for yourself and use your own brain everything should return to normal and the pain should subside after you finish reading the post. However you have been warned...

I mentioned previously that "not only do I write a brilliant, wildly successful, thought provoking, innovative, cutting edge, out-of-this-world, imbecile blog but I am also known to grace other lesser blogs with my presence." The liberal Iowa blogosphere is full of mindless sheep that regurgitate whatever the DNC or a democratic politician tells them. When I need a good laugh I like to surf their content and reaffirm that liberals don't a half a friggin' clue. They pretty much turn off their brains and nod approvingly. Harsh? Consider these passages:

Century of the Common Iowa:
Wash, Rinse, Repeat

There's a story yesterday on MyDD and Chris also wrote about, but it is worth repeating. Not extending Bush's temporary handouts to the most wealthy is not increasing taxes. I'd give back my couple hundred dollar tax break on my federal income taxes to get my property taxes, college tuition and loan payments, and the cost of other local and other state services to go down.

The first step in solving the budget deficit is to not renew these temporary tax cuts and to start investing in our future. So remember to repeat...

Not Extending Temporary Tax Cuts is NOT Increasing Taxes

Then from the Political Forecast: [and I included the entire post...all five lines of it]
Repeat after me

Let’s play a little game. Every Democrat talking about the Bush tax cuts, and hopefully repealing them, should repeat this phrase:

“Not Extending Temporary Tax Cuts is NOT Increasing Taxes”

If anyone says differently, please gently smack them in the back of the head. Do not consider this an incitement of mass violence, however, since some people are just dunderheads.

Yes, just repeat the phrase: "Not Extending Temporary Tax Cuts is NOT Increasing Taxes" and magical pixie dust will fall from the sky and make it true. Because if liberal blogs have taught us anything, it's that if you repeat something enough times it eventually turns into the truth.

If you remove a tax cut [that which causes taxes to go down] then logically taxes must do what? Anyone? Conservatives? That's right, they go up because the tax cut is no longer in place. This is pretty simple math here people. For example, if I pay $5 dollars in taxes and then receive a tax cut of $2, my new tax payment is $3. Now if someone comes in and repeals the tax cut, thus remove the $2 dollar savings, I am once again paying $5. For clarity and for those liberals that are reading this example, five is greater than three.

My favorite part of NoNeed's Wash, Rinse, Repeat post is this gem: "I'd give back my couple hundred dollar tax break on my federal income taxes to get my property taxes, college tuition and loan payments, and the cost of other local and other state services to go down." Wow, that's amazing, NoNeed has found away to take a two hundred dollar federal tax break and convert it into local tax breaks like tuition, property taxes and loan payments. You have to love his logic, it's comical really. The Bush tax cuts affect anyone who makes more than $15,000 [if you make less than that you DON'T pay taxes anyway...if you are going to repeat anything, repeat that]. So, if you made money then you received a tax break. However, NoNeed believes that just those that own property and those that went to college and have student loans should get a tax cut. Brilliant. Lets take a tax break that affects a majority of Americans and apply it to a smaller few.

I would also like to point out that Chris over at the Political Forecast [and NoNeed for that matter too] did not explain how repealing a tax cut isn't a tax increase, but really that is besides the the point isn't it? The only thing either one of those blogs really want you to do is turn off your brain and repeat the democratic mantra until you can longer tell your own thoughts from their's. Not here. Not on CBB. You are expected to think for yourself. I will write a post that comes from my beliefs. You will either agree or disagree, but you will never be expect to become a mindless drone. If you want your thoughts spoon-fed I highly suggest you read a different blog.

Like cattle to the slaughter...the democrats go marching in...

The Red Herring Pt. III

[This is the last of a three part minimum wage post [four if you count Here Come The Clowns]. However, just because this post series is done, don't expect me to stop talking about the minimum wage. As long as I am a small business owner, it will be discussed on this blog.]

As a conclusion to everything else I have written, this post is more to get out my remaining thoughts, tangents, and beliefs. They won't necessarily be presented to form a definitive argument on the minimum wage issue, but rather a few parting shots and quick hits of ideas:

Let me state for the record that I stand behind my position that minimum wage should not be raised. So firm are my beliefs that I have even challenged those who support a minimum wage increase to give me a chance to prove my position in a real world setting. When Des Moines Register columnist, Rehka Basu, wrote a bleeding heart pro-minimum wage increase piece, I emailed her and presented an offer. I said if she could produce one person making $5.15 a hour for 40 hours a week, then I would take time out of my schedule and work with them to get a raise within their current job or help them find a better one. No response. When Oprah Winfrey did a show about people making minimum wage, I emailed her staff with the same challenge. No response. When I was an official blogger for the Gannett run entertainment magazine, dmJuice, I issued the same challenge to the Juice staff. No response. I also challenged Rep. Leonard Boswell [D-IA] when I met him on the campaign trail for the 2006 midterm elections. I got the official democratic party line on minimum wage, but no mention of taking me up on my offer.

If these people I just mentioned cared enough to write columns, produce TV shows and make campaign promises then why won't they help me help those making minimum wage? I contend that the market is working and if you truly wish to find a better job at a better wage then there is one out there waiting for you. Open up the help wanted section of the newspaper or walk down the street and you will find dozens of entry level jobs paying well above minimum wage. The catch, of course, is that it requires some personal accountability and responsibility of your own actions. If you are waiting around for the government to help you, to save you, then you are in deep trouble. May I offer the government's response to hurricane Katrina as an example of the type of help you will get.

No, people like Mrs. Basu, Oprah, and Rep. Boswell only care about those making minimum wage when it can sell a newspaper, boast ratings or snare a vote; otherwise they are callous in their actions. Not of these people will make another mention or show compassion for those making minimum wage once it is raised by the Democratically controlled congress until the next round of elections are upon us. Only then will they talk about the poorest of the poor and then only to take credit for raising the minimum wage. Their personal claims of success will not be dependent on whether or not any minimum wage earner improved their life, in fact it will be completely beside the point.

Don't confuse the minimum wage issue with big corporate windfall profits or CEOs making obscene money. Raising the minimum wage will not hurt the Exxons, the Microsofts, or the Enrons of the world. No, raising the minimum wage only hurts your neighbors. Your own friends and family who have invested their money back into your community. The average citizens who own the vast majority of small businesses in America. Their children attend school with your children. They pray next to you in church. They are committed to your town and to making your community a better place to live. I dare anyone to make a case that a national, corporately run business could impact Waukee in the same way that my business has. It can't be done. I am part of the town, down to the most personal of levels. My relationship with citizens of Waukee is symbiotic in nature, as we both need each other.

Nowhere is it said that the life must be fair. There will always be winners and losers. Those who strive for greatness and those who watch the world pass them by. The Constitution of the United States doesn't guarantee you a job or a living wage. Rep. Leonard Boswell defended his position on minimum wage with this condescending comment to me: "you look like a bright young man who will find a way to make it [a minimum wage increase] work."

Let that statement ring in your ears...those of us with ambition and drive are now expected to compensate for those among us that don't. Does that belief represent capitalism and democracy or socialism? I know what I believe, what do you believe?

Fools On Parade

Zero hour is upon us as Nancy Pelosi and the Defeatocrats have taken power. Nancy Pelosi told the LA Times this week that she was putting the House Speaker's gavel in "the hands of the children." Not sure whether she meant actual children or her democratic colleagues, but intellectually there really isn't any difference anyway. Now might be a good idea to define what a child is, because you can damn well bet Pelosi doesn't intend to put the gavel in the hands of unborn child. But I digress...

Rep. Jan Schakowsky [D-ILL] has a column on the Huffington Post explaining the Democrats position on minimum wage:

Nearly 15 million Americans go to their jobs every day caring for our children and frail old people, cleaning other people's mess, serving us food in restaurants, and for their efforts receive $5.15 an hour, the Federal minimum wage. If they work 52 forty-hour weeks, their annual income adds up to $10,712 -- $4,367 under the poverty level for a family of three.

Other Americans -- the CEOs of the nation's top companies, those with $1 billion or more in annual revenues -- made on average $10,712 by 11:02 a.m. on January 2, 2007, the first workday of new year. According to a report by Americans United for Change, those CEOs make $5,279 an hour, $10,982,000 a year, or 1,025 times more than their minimum wage employees. [I call bullshit, prove this sensational rhetoric Schalowsky]

It's hard to imagine any member of Congress objecting. After all, it's been ten years, the longest span ever, since the minimum wage was raised. In that time, we members of Congress have received cost-of-living increases that have raised our salaries over $30,000.

In the end, we will pass the minimum wage increase in the House within the first hundred hours of the 110th Congress. But not before we hear President Bush whine that such a raise must be attached to a tax break for business

Comparing minimum wage to congressional pay? A CEO's pay? Businesses whining for tax brakes? Hell, she even throws in the oil companies. I don't suppose it would be asking too much to actually debate raising minimum wage without using false arguments? How does a CEO of major company who does not employ a single person making minimum wage relate to me, a small business owner, that must somehow figure out how I am going to cover the increased costs to my business? According Schakowsky, even considering some tax relief from the government is "whining." This is who we elected to run this country?

I am afraid...very afraid. Not for the country, but for me, my family, and my small business. I get to bent over while the Democrats feed me a load of crap about how people making minimum wage need help. In typical Democratic fashion, the only way to help someone is through government assistance, because God forbid they do on their own.

Postal

I almost forgot to do my yearly bitch post about the United States Post Office. Each year around the Christmas holiday, the United States Post Office does something that really pisses me off: they advertise on TV. Nothing angers me quite like a branch of the government that bleeds red running ad campaigns against the private sector. So basically what USPS ads are saying is: "spend your money with the government and don't give any to UPS, DHL or FedEx."

I don't need advertising reminding me that the US Postal service exists, I already know. Small children know it. Hell, even people in Tennessee know it. I beg and plead with all seven of you readers, please when you send a package use a company from the private sector. The government SHOULD NOT compete in the business world. If the US Postal service was a private company they would have been run out of business in the 80s. There is little denying the USPS is the antithesis of how a business should be run

My solution? Strip the functions of the USPS down to single letters and small packages. Let the private companies handle the rest of the package shipping commerce in America. The ultimate goal being that we can someday downsize the bloated dinosaur that is the USPS and hopefully stop throwing some much taxpayer money down the drain.

Other added benefits of having DHL or FedEx handle your shipping needs that they still work on stupid asinine holidays like Christopher Columbus Day. Oh, man don't get me started on Columbus day or this post will stretch until tomorrow. Just like I am sure the postal employees spent all of Tuesday mourning the death of President Gerald Ford...

***URGENT*** Culver Inaugural Committee Needs Volunteers

As the liberal, Iowa blogosphere is a buzz trying to round up volunteers to help with Governor-elect Chet Culver's inaugural party, I decided CBB shall lend a hand. After all, we did support Chet's campaign for governor. Consider this a friendly public service announcement from CBB and don't say we've never reached across party lines to help a democrat in need. I do find it a little curious that people were willing to vote for him, but it seems going to one of his parties might be pushing it. I think I figured out why and if you read the letter from the inauguration committee I believe you will see it too...

On January 12th, Chet Culver and Patty Judge will be sworn in as the next Governor and Lt. Governor of Iowa. In celebration of this event, The Culver-Judge Inaugural Committee is planning several events in Omaha, St. Paul, and Chicago to celebrate. These events will showcase Governor-elect Culver’s belief that Iowa has One Unlimited Future [because 'one' is all we could come up with]. It should also be noted that unlike John Edwards who believes there are "two Americas," Chet "knows" there is only "one Iowa." He's seen a map. Once.

We are looking for volunteers who can make balloon animals and pirate swords, persons who like dressing up in clown costumes, know how to face paint a donkey, and can recite all the words to the Chuck E Cheese theme song. We also need backstage help during our featured entertainment for the evening: The Wiggles.

We need help from volunteers like you in order to make our events in Kansas City and Lincoln a success. We can provide free tickets to the Taste of Iowa and the One Iowa Gala [because we can't seem to sell them anyway] for those who volunteer. If you are interested in volunteering and do not have a life, please call Brian Jennings at 515-287-8667 or send him a note under your desk so the teacher doesn't see at brian@culverinaugural.com.

Thank you for your support and we are looking forward to seeing you at the inaugural. However, it should be noted that Chet has made it very clear he gets the first balloon pirate sword...

THE CULVER-JUDGE INAUGURAL COMMITTEE
1111 E ARMY POST RD.
SUITE 476 DSM 50315
PHONE: 515-287-8667 | FAX: 515-953-0568 | EMAIL: INFO@CULVERINAUGURAL.COM

Trolling Other Blogs

Not only do I write a brilliant, wildly successful, thought provoking, innovative, cutting edge, out-of-this-world, imbecile blog I am also known to grace other lesser blogs with my presence. What can I say, I like to help out the little people.

While wading through the deep liberalism of The Pole Hill Sanitarium, got into a flame war on the Gerald Ford post. As good read [my comments, of course] if you have the time. However, my favorite comment on PHS is this gem:

Apparently, someone with a cell phone video camera was there and caught the ugly truth. From what I've read, this was as botched as anything else that has gone on in Iraq.
Christie | Homepage | 01.03.07 - 10:50 am | #

To which I replied:

Botched? He's dead isn't he?
Jordan | Homepage | 01.03.07 - 6:58 pm | #

I am guessing she is one of "those people" who believes everything in Iraq is "botched," but still says our troops are doing a great job.

The Something Boat: A Rollicking, Frolicking Journey at Sea

Background: After downing a few dozen Mountain Dews and taking a break for hitting home runs in SNK's Baseball Stars, Daren and I decided to write a play. Much stupidity later we came up with "The Something Boat." Keep in mind, Daren and I were teenagers. However, if there is one thing this 15+ year old play illustrates well is that we were never funny. So, this humorless blog is nothing new...

The Something Boat
By: Daren Jaques and Jeremie Jordan
A Very Small Rocks Production

Light cascades down on an old Spanish style galleon. A large ship's wheel is seen at the front of the boat. At the far stage left the captain's quarters are found. The is the primary stage entrance. The other stage entrance is on the far side of the quarters.

As the play opens the ship "Lollipop" has just left dock. The captain stands at the wheel delivering a speech to his men about the nature of their journey. Present are his first mate Winston, his crew and a slave.

Act I scene i

captain: Life and liberty! Men, we seek haven in the arms of the sea. At the end of our desolate road there is hope of a new land. And our ship, the Lollipop, shall carry us there...for she is a good ship. Yes, we have a dream. Not of candy apples or sugar plums or an end to rat soup or a big hug from Mommy, but a..a...what was I talking about?

first mate: (nudging) Uh...hugs from Mommy.

captain: Oh yes, but what was my point?

first mate: Something about sweets sir.

captain: Sweets? Oh quite right, yes, umm...umm don't eat too many of them, uh they'll rot your teeth...that will be all, carry on.

(crew mills about then exits behind the cabin)

first mate: Just out of curiosity Captain, where are we going?

captain: Hell if I know, I'm just followin' Bob.

first mate: Captain, Bob sank.

captain: Hope you can swim.

Act I scene ii

The crew, the slave, and the traitor are on deck discussing a mutiny. Flotsam, our first crew member, speaks in varying accents the Jetsam (the other crewmen) comments on frequently. Both crew members lack intellectual capabilities. Jetsam wears an eye patch and walks with a slight limp. Benny Arnold, the instigator of the mutiny speaks to the crew and the slave over hears.

Benny: The blood of men has been shed. How many have fallen to a watery grave for this "new land?" Dost thou wish to join them? If not, we must rise to mutiny to liberate, emancipate and free ourselves of this...this...stuff.

Jetsam: Bloody good idea!

Flotsam: No, it's not.

Jetsam: Oh...right...(to Benny) you heard him you knave, it's a bloody bad idea.

Flotsam: Well...maybe not.

Jetsam: Yeah, uh...maybe not.

Benny: We must do it. It is not dishonorable. For what we are doing is the noblest of all acts...saving ourselves. For our captain is inept, unintelligible, inefficient and...and stuff.

Jetsam: Yeah and he ain't very good neither.

(They all exit behind the cabin murmuring agreement)

Slave: (overhearing, bursts into song as he swabs the deck)

The evildoers have wrought,
An evil plan to kill.
'Tis an evil thrill,
In an evil Pot.

The pot it 'tis this boat,
On an evil sea.
They plan a mutiny,
Can the captain float?

I am the minstrel slave,
Abroad the Lollipop.
The killers will not stop,
Because they all are knaves.

(The first mate enters from the captain's quarters to hear the song)

first mate: Mutiny? On this ship? Impossible...'tis a good ship. (first mate exits cabin door)

You Say Po-ta-toe, I Say Po-tat-o

What started out as a nice Bush-bashing piece for CNN on the failed hunt to for Osama Bin Laden, turned ugly when a staffer misplaced the terrorist mastermind's name with that of Obama - as in Barack Obama.

CNN quickly issued an apology and of course no one believes it was intentional. In fact, other than the headline, I won't make any jokes either, because while I might disagree politically with Obama he is and never will be a terrorist. I will even dare to say I have a certain level of respect for Mr. Obama. Oh sure, I believe some of the Democrats' policies to border on terrorism, but...wait...scratch that...I said no jokes.

Of course if you are looking for humor a simple typo isn't nearly as funny as what Sen. Ted Kennedy said a year ago:

"Why don't we just ask Osama bin -- Osama Obama -- Obama what -- since he won by such a big amount. Seriously, Senator Obama is really unique and special."

No wonder the Democrats are so clueless when it comes to terrorism... Sen. Kennedy, a senior leader, can't even tell the difference between a terrorist and a member of their own party. Alright...alright...I'll quit while I am behind.

Others commenting: Doug Powers [thanks for the YouTube link]

Oh Dear God, What Have We Done?

The nurse who took care of Saddam in days and months leading up to his execution has come forth with tales of a softer , gentler Hussein. Gone is the 'Butcher Of Bagdad,' say hello to the 'Bambi of Bagdad...'

"He basically talked about his wife, and his children,'' Sgt Ellis said on CNN today.

"He was an avid reader. Loved to read and write. He had a lot of stories that he had written. He had a pamphlet that he wrote in every day and then when time came to visit him he'd read things to me,'' the army reservist said.

I am surprised Hollywood didn't rush to Saddam's aid like they did with Tookie Williams. I am sure Saddam could have written a wonderful children's story on mass genocide. Given time, Saddam would have probably been nominated for a Noble Peace Prize.

"That was my job: to keep him alive and healthy, so they could kill him at a later date,'' Sgt Ellis said

"I was kind of disappointed (by the execution),'' Sgt Ellis said on CNN.

"I thought that they would more or less put him in jail for the rest of his life to kind of stem some of the violence that I knew was going to take place,'' he said.

"He said he was a farmer when he was young and he never forgot where he came from,'' Sgt Ellis told the paper.

Yes, yes that Saddam was one grounded individual who never forgot where he came from. A simple man really...

Saddam "had a good sense of humor. You know, made jokes, you know. And he spent most of his time reading, and praying,'' he said.

Did you heard the one about the Shiite who walks into a Sunni bar with a salami under one arm and a pack of explosives under the other?

Saddam went on a hunger strike at one point, refusing to eat when guards slid food through the slot on the bottom of his cell door. But when guards starting opening the door, Saddam dropped his hunger strike.

"He refused to be fed like a lion," Sgt Ellis said.

Was anyone else surprised that it was CNN reporting this? Nah, me neither...

MISSING: Kevin Schmidt

Have you seen this man?

He's the elusive 3rd blogger here on CBB. He's 6' Freakish" with blond highlights. He was last seen around the November midterm elections drunk while playing with his Transformers and mumbling something about how "Charlie Rangel reminds me of Starscream."

As a staunch Indianapolis Colts fans, Kevin is probably wandering the streets looking for Colts' defense. If you see him, please buy him a beer...

2 Ply

Don't think the mainstream press can adversely affect public perception? Here's two news stories based on the same poll: gloom and doom / light and cheery.

H/T: Florida Cracker

This Is A Post To Distract You From More Important News

Apparently engaging your brain before you write a letter to the editors of the Des Moines Register isn't a prerequisite:

"It seems likely that the Dec. 12 federal raids at the Swift packing plants in Marshalltown and elsewhere were timed to distract the U.S. media’s attention from a British scandal in which Prime Minister Tony Blair is involved.

Blair’s collaboration with the Bush administration in its futile effort to subjugate Mesopotamia, indicates that President Bush has reasons to protect Blair from bad publicity."

-Gerald Baker

Are you kidding me? The identity theft and illegal immigration raids were nothing more than a smoke screen to cover up the scandal Blair was embroiled in on December 14th? What is must be like to view the world through a liberal's eyes.

Just to recap: the Swift raids where similar to the Nazis rounding up the Jews, cruel because it was before Christmas, heartless because they separated children from parents, and finally an elaborate cover-up to help protect the American's image of Tony Blair.

In related news, it is being speculated that the execution of Saddam Hussein was just a ruse to shift attention away from John Edward's announcement that he is running for the Presidency.

A Thank You Letter

Dear People Of Iraq,

I am humbled by your thoughtful birthday gift for me, but you really shouldn't have. The execution of Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity was one of the best presents this staunch supporter of the Iraq war could have asked for, but I question whether my birthday was deserving of such an honor? Of course I am celebrating with you for having the courage to finally rid yourself once and for all of a homicidal dictator, but I have to be honest, a card would have sufficed.

You realize though that you have now spoiled me for future birthdays. Nintendo Wiis and Xbox 360s will no longer appease me, I am going to need the blood of deranged world leader to be spilled every year now.

In case you are looking for a few birthday gift ideas for next year and want to get a head start on the shopping, I could go for Kim Jong Il's head on a platter or maybe Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stuffed and mounted from my living room wall. I realize those are rather expensive, so if you are on a limited budget I would settle for a videotape of Hugo Chavez dying before a firing squad...I mean after all it's thought that counts.

Thank you again.

Your friend,

Jeremie Jordan

An Early Birthday Present

Although my birthday isn't until tomorrow, I got a welcomed surprise today. A few months ago before starting CBB I wrote a post on my original blog, In A Word, whining about a short story I had lost through the years of moving around, packing and unpacking. Well this morning the fates shined on me for a few fleeting moments and I found my old writing portfolio.

To say I am excited is an understatement. As I start to rework my story I will offer it up for criticism here on CBB.

The Red Herring Pt. II

[Note: This is the second part in what will be a three part post. You can read part I here]

Worried that I might become what I dislike, this post is a long time coming. Anyone can bitch, but to provide solutions takes courage and the heart to stand up to criticism. I have written many posts explaining why I oppose raising the minimum wage, however today I will loosely outline a better solution for those people making minimum wage than a meaningless $2 an hour raise.

Politicians are always campaigning. Even when they are governing, they are campaigning. The minimum wage issue as become so contorted, so twisted that the press would have you believe that if you didn't support raising the minimum wage then you must be cruel and soulless. I contend it's those that proclaim a false hope that mere two dollar raise is going to have on someone's life are the heartless ones. Minimum wage by definition is applied to those employees that are unskilled and of an entry level type position. Raising the pay floor doesn't make this indisputable fact disappear. Raising the minimum wage will also not increase the buying power of the minimum wage earner's paycheck, as the cost of all goods and service will go up. Of this I can assure you, as raising the minimum wage is not free money that politicians found laying on the floor.

So what's the solution? Well to start with you don't help someone by raising the minimum wage, you help them by getting them out of a minimum wage job. Training and teaching them job skills. And I am not talking about college either, because not everyone is cut out for higher education. Having spent 13 years working around people making minimum wage, I have learned that those same employees tend to fail at each job they hold for the same reasons. They doom their chances of success by making the same mistakes over and over again, thus forcing them to take another job making the same low pay and cycle repeats itself. Too many times I have seen the dangled hope of a college education as some sort of cure-all to better a life, only to see them enroll just to drop out. It's not to say these people are stupid or lack abilities, it's just that their abilities lie outside the pages of a book or sitting through a lecture. The key is to unlock those abilities and find a vocation where they can use them.

About seven years ago I became the area district manager for the corporate owned Domino's Pizza stores in Des Moines [a few years before I decided I was making too money and that I should open my own business]. Coming into the new position I felt the greatest hurdle facing our stores was the lack of employees as we were grossly understaffed. The only store remotely close to having the proper staffing leveling was the one I just left to accept the promotion. Unfortunately [or fortunately, depending on your point of view] the unemployment rate in Des Moines has always been fairly low so the employee pool was/is extremely shallow. I started thinking that if I couldn't get the perspective employees to walk into the stores and apply, I would simply go out and bring the application to them. I teamed with a fellow Domino's employee named Mark Watkins, who worked at the Domino's world headquarters in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Mark was in a division called "Urban Initiatives," a branch of Domino's specifically created to targeting and help inner cities around the nation. This department was designed as a corporate outreach to assist people, not to sell them pizzas.

I sat down with Mark and explained I needed more employees. To be blunt, I said I know where a large concentration of unemployed people are...the inner city. However, we both realized that time and time again when you pull prospective employees for those areas they tend to not work out, so we started to brainstorm why. Over the course of about six months we bounced around simple ideas or quick fixes, if you will, but eventually we agreed to try something bigger. Bigger than just staffing a Domino's Pizza store. We took the employment model pioneered by Strive and decided to create our own.

Our program was designed to help eliminate obstacles preventing those people either unemployed or stuck in a minimum wage job from bettering their lives. What we found was that those people making minimum wage or who were habitually unemployed tended to believe that they were owed a job, but expected to give nothing in return. We took to dispelling this belief and crafted a three day, in-your-face approach to training these people how to get a job and how to keep it.

We partnered with Creative Visions an inner city center designed to provide help those in need. We taught four hour classes over the course of the three. Day one dealt with removing the notion that someone "owes" you something. What employers are looking for in an employee. That work is work and it will suck sometimes, but other times it will be rewarding. How to present yourself or sell yourself and your skills. And finally, having the right attitude.

By day two we would go from starting class sizes of 30+ down to about 10 or 15. The dropout rate was high and expected, but it left us with those people really intent on changing their lives. Day two was always the hardest as it dealt with the interview process. At first we would let them fail without any guidance. We placed them in the middle of the rest of the class; surrounded and alone with eyes of everyone else on them. Then after meticulously tearing down their conduct, attitude, choice of words, eye contact, and appearance we would start reconstructing them. Easily the most gratifying day of three we would teach. You started to understand that these people were failing in their jobs before they were even hired. They were setting impressions that they would have to fight everyday they worked whether true or not.

The final day of classes dealt with keeping a job once they were hired. We called them workforce issues. Ethics, sexual harassment, discrimination, diversity and teamwork. The idea wasn't just get them a job, but to set them up to succeed rather than fail. Arm them with some knowledge of what type of situations to expect in the workplace. Help them understand what is appropriate and what is not. Keep in mind this originally started as a hiring tool for Domino's, however by the end we removed that goal. We would welcome interviews, but made it clear they weren't automatically hired.

So what was the outcome of the program? I wish I could say we helped hundreds of people, but sadly this was not the case. You must realize [and I am looking directly at the dreamy eyed liberals] that you can't save everyone. No amount of money or government assistance can replace the need for them to want a better life. The government can't do it and you and I can't do for them either. You start by helping those that want help and rest will follow eventually. We hired many of the students we taught and by the time I left the Des Moines stores they were still working for the company. What that program showed me was the promise and the desire to succeed that dwells inside of every person. There is great wisdom in the proverb: “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”

Politicians would have you believe that raising the minimum wage will provide a new life for these people. Don't believe it. Mark my words, raising the minimum wage won't help anyone better their lives. At least not without further job skill training. However two and fours years from now the Democratic leadership will claim a certain level of success. More hallow words, that truly show how much politics is about getting power and keeping power instead of truly helping people.

I support welfare and government assistance when helps provide a bridge to a better economic station in life. Reallocate resources from within the current welfare system and provide organizations like Strive with the resources to expand their programs. Provide incentives to businesses like Domino's for attempting to think outside the box. The government must learn to work in partnership with private businesses, instead of against them. Businesses, despite the beliefs of smiley-glad-hand-pick-pocket politicians, are not an endless well of money that can be dipped into every time they need to keep a campaign promise or a new government program.

I think back to why I was once a Democrat and I recall the reasons admired Presidents like FDR and JFK. They supported public programs designed to help people, but at the same required a certain level of commitment back to the government. Civilian Conservation Corps, Public Work Administration and the Works Progress Administration were all forms of welfare, but each one required actual work on the part of the individual receiving the help. Modern day Democrats have perverted President Kennedy's famous quote imploring Americans to become more active citizens into a more selfish version: "ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country can do for you."

It's time to return to the core values and belief that you must earn what you receive in life, rather than believing you are owed everything you receive.

[Tomorrow I will end this long winded 3 part post with a few final thoughts and shots]

Apples To Oranges

I am not exactly sure why this is news, but the mainstream press would like you to know that US troop deaths in Iraq have exceeded the deaths of those on 9/11. Apparently this statistic somehow further explains why the Iraq war is/was wrong. One is a military operation and one was a terrorist attack, so if you add the two causality numbers together I guess it equals "Bush lied." Although to be honest, the whole new math thing has me baffled so the actual algebraic solution might be off.

Irrelevant news stories like this just anger me. Don't get me wrong, reporting the troop deaths is not "irrelevant" just the pairing of two independent statistics. It doesn't bring our troops home any faster. It doesn't ease the pain for the families grieving the loss of a son or daughter that has died in Iraq. It doesn't stop the twin towers from falling. It doesn't do anything but link two things that should not be linked.

In other news it was reported that on December 26th, John Kerry made his 57,690th stupid, Anti-American comment which incidentally is same as the number of US troops killed in the Vietnam War.

Immigration Nazi

In keeping with the latest trend of comparing everything to the 1930s Nazi Germany:

US Hispanic groups and activists on Thursday called for a moratorium on workplace raids to round up illegal immigrants, saying they were reminiscent of Nazi crackdowns on Jews in the 1930s.

"This unfortunately reminds me of when Hitler began rounding up the Jews for no reason and locking them up," Democratic Party activist Carla Vela said. "Now they're coming for the Latinos, who will they come for next?"

Oh yes, the parallels are striking...

On the bright side, Steven Spielberg is said to be working on the script for "Swift-lers's List." And with any luck the world leaders will have studied past mistakes in history and won't create a Hispanic state in the Middle East.

Other commenting: State29

I Didn't Realize Global Warming Only Took One Year

Apparently retailers are having a hard time selling winter coats this year because on average various parts of the north and northeast are about 15 degrees above the normal temperature for December. Thanks to the media and people like Al Gore, the hysteria over racks of unsold coats has New York retailers calling this the first "global warming" Christmas.

Forget the fact that last December was the "coldest in a decade for New York."

All that matters is now, right now. And right now it's warm, in fact to find another December this warm you have to go all the way back to 2001.

The Red Herring

You either believe capitalism works or you don't. If you do, you are a Republican. If you don't, you are a Democrat. Period. I have railed about this belief for a over a year now on this and other blogs...you don't solve the problems of the world with greater government involvement. Take, for instance, the proposed minimum wage increase.

The issue of a minimum wage increase is a very personal one for me. I own a small business where 75% of employees make minimum wage [before you start thinking I don't pay my people well, understand after you factor in those employee's additional compensation they make over $15 an hour]. All raising the minimum wage does is drive the cost of goods up. There's a negative economic word for that and it's called "inflation." In my case, I have worked for about six years with no raise and for less than I was working before I started my small business. The carrot-at-the-end-of-the-proverbial-stick for me was that day I was to be debt free and owe no money to bank. Well that day was suppose to be 12 months from now. And now I am bitter and mad that politicians are putting their hands in my pocket and taking my money. I feel like I just working 6 days a week for 50+ hours for nothing. That money is mine. I endured the risk that goes with starting a small business and I am sorry but I believe the reward should also be mine to reap.

Democrats like to throw around statistics like: if you factor inflation, the current minimum wage is lower than it was in the 1930s or inflation has lowered the buying power of minimum wage or that the 9 years since the last minimum wage increase is the longest such span since the minimum wage was created. To those points, I say so what? Does any of that help those workers making minimum wage? Hell I'll go one further, does giving a two dollar raise help those making minimum wage?

I contend that if I wasn't competitive with my wages, I would have no employees. That whole "capitalism" thing again. My market dictates I pay a certain wage to get people to work for me. That wage [aside from the tipped employees] is no less than $8.00 per hour. If someone is making $5.15 an hour for 40 hours a week, then that someone is a fool. You can't drive down the street without seeing a fast food place hiring a fry cook for less than $7.50 an hour. It isn't the government's job to give the American worker a raise, it's the American worker's responsibility to get their own raise. Don't believe that, then you my friend are a socialist. How does it feel comrade?

Back to my personal situation, I have not taken a raise in an attempt to have a more money left to pay my staff more. I believe low turnover leads to higher sales. My belief is supported by the fact that my business will have its' third straight year of record sales. I have a staff full of employees that have worked for me over a year and most cases they have worked for since I opened the business four years ago. In my small business' industry what I just described to you would be a statistical anomaly. I also pay my assistant managers and non-tipped staff about $2 more an hour than they would make doing the same job elsewhere.

I don't hold a gun to my employee's heads and they can leave whenever they wish. An unfortunately side effect to starting a new business is that money is lean. I don't have the resources to pay my people what I want to pay them. I have had too many great employees leave for better paying jobs, but I can't afford to keep them. Someday I will, but with a minimum wage increase that someday will be further into the future. Wish to ask me about those record sales I spoke of? Believe me, the government has found away to take a large chunk of it and the rising costs of doing business each year has taken the rest. Not exactly a good feeling knowing you must achieve record sales just to spin your wheels and remain in the same place.

It isn't just the wage increase that will hurt, but the payroll taxes I must pay on those wages will also rise accordingly. You starting to see the political angles now? Don't forget that only 6% of the workforce makes minimum wage and of that six percent over 50% of them are teenagers living at home. Makes you question why minimum wage is even an issue?

Next week I will finally offer my solution to the question of minimum wage. I have mentioned I would propose an answer previously, but the issue is so raw for me that staying calm and focused is sometimes an issue. Hench the delay. However, now is the time to make my beliefs known. Will change anything? No, but at least when raising the minimum wage occurs and the economy stalls and those making minimum wage are still at the same station in life that they were before the increase I can say I told you so.

And really, isn't that what having a blog is all about anyway?

Man Sues McDonald's For Un-Happy Meal

Ames [CBB] - After having a less than joyous dinning experience at his local McDonald's, Johnathan Reed has filed a 2.4 million dollar lawsuit against the world's largest fast food chain claiming "the 'Happy Meal' didn't live up to its' name."

"I took my five year old son to out to lunch and he ordered a 4 pcs. Chicken Mc Nugget Happy Meal," Reed explained, "but after Timmy finished and I asked how his lunch was all I got was a 'fine.' Hardly what I would call 'happy'.'"

"The damn fries weren't 'fluffed,' the barbecue sauce was bland, and to top it all off they were out of the current iZ[TM] toys so my son a got cheap, Chinese piece of crap from last year's Disney flop 'Chicken Little.' Huh...Happy Meal, my ass"

Mr. Reed's lawsuit alleges "gross negligence" and "price gouging."

"I paid $3.49 for my son's Happy Meal. Considering what I got, would say the monetary worth of the food was about $2.28...$2.29...tops," Reed said.

When the Corn Beltway Boys questioned McDonald's Corp. over the pending lawsuit, we were told that it's "company policy not to discuss ongoing litigation" however they did provide us with this statement:

"While McDonald's certainly regrets any service or product issues Mr. Reed had during his last visit, we feel that he paid a fair market price for a kid's meal considering it was made by a pimp faced 14 year old with no job skills. McDonald's also questions the motives of Mr. Reed and others like him that hope to litigate themselves to wealth. Please bare in mind that our marketing department spends hundreds of millions of dollars to advertise to your kids just how great we are. Kids love us and no amount of frivolous lawsuits is going to change that. McDonald's wonders why any parent would risk potential group therapy when their child turns 25 just so they can find out their child hates them and harbors resentment over not buying them a crappy 67 cent hamburger with a cheap ass toy when they were 5 years old. McDonald's would like to think Mr. Reed would value his son's love and affection more than he does a few million dollars."

Time Magazine's Person of the Year: Jeremie Jordan

I just wanted to give everyone a heads up that I might not be blogging much in the coming few months. You see I was chosen as Time magazine's "Person of the Year" and I can only guess I will be busy with guest appearances on the View and Oprah. As I reflected on what this award meant, I realized that 2006 was a pretty good year for me but I never expected to win.

I mean sure...I am deserving but I guess I never really believed Time would recognize all that I did this year. Let us recap the greatness that was the Life of Jordan 2006:

• Took out the trash every Friday morning
• Started Corn Beltway Boys...thus giving Jaques a purpose in life
• Got kicked off of dmJuice.com for being the best blogger
  
• Made fun of IrishWalsh 247 times
• Made fun of Schmidt playing with Transformers 15 times
• Wrote hundreds of Pulitzers Prize winning caliber posts [just like this one]
  
• Played 15 hours of the Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

As I look forward, I realize winning the Person of the Year award in back to back years will be difficult, but I think making fun of Walsh, Jaques and Schmidt a few more times coupled with playing more video games I just might make it.

Drake Beats Iowa

73-59

Steve Alford will be gone by the end the of season...mark my words.

These stats pretty much sum up Alford's fate:

• Drake is off to its' best start in 22 years
• Iowa is off to its' worst start in 32 years
• Drake beat Iowa for the first time in 27 years
  
• Drake is coached by the guy Iowa fired to hire Steve Alford
  

Congrats to Tom Davis and the Bulldogs. Suck it Hawkeyes...

Al Sadr Gift Ideas, Part II

I have made a huge oversight - I left out two of the biggest gifts of the year!

1) The Saddam Chia Beard. Can't grow your own, manly Islamic beard? Can you see the smirks under the veils at your patchy, back-hair looking facial growth? Then you need the Saddam Chia Beard! Get it for the facially challenged man in your life

2) The clapper detonation device. Still a favorite among the senior citizen terrorist. Guaranteed to make a huge impression!

These are also great gifts!

[this posted reprinted from The Corn Beltway Boys by Daren Jaques]

Cardboard Box Housing Market Continues To Soften

Des Moines [CBB] - For the second straight quarter cardboard box home sales fell, indicating a cooling of the corrugated housing marketing.

"I've had my old refrigerator box on the market for about 6 months now with no realistic offers," said homeless man Cletus Hooper, "I bought the box for a half a bottle of Scotch and a cigarette butt, however now I am worried if I can even get my initial investment back"

Hooper isn't alone according to David Wyss, chief economist at Standard & Poor's in New York, because as unemployment rates continue to plummet Wyss believes there will be a flood of cardboard box homes hitting the market.

"It's going to destitute buyers market for the next few years until the Democrats can enact enough policy decisions to slow the economy down and get unemployment rates rising again," Wyss projected, "in the short term we are appealing to the public to destroy their old washing machine and refrigerator boxes to help reduce supply."

In the meantime it's a waiting game for box owners like Cletus.

"I am trying to stay optimistic and proactive," Hooper explained, "I just signed up for HGTV's "Flip This Box" and I plan on installing a second mason jar bathroom in the back corner. The real key is not to get discouraged."

Old School Gaming

This started over at Ace of Spades, but seeing the video made me get all nostalgic for the simple days of my youth playing Super Mario Bros. with Daren. We both ruled over the game, but Daren's skillz were a bit more mad than mine. Simply beating the game wasn't enough for us after awhile and soon we started creating our own challenges: beat the game without dying [warping OK] or high score and time. Oddly enough, beating SMB in lighting speed [about 5 minutes] has become a bit of internet lore. Since I know from personal experience and watching Daren do it too, it can be done with out the aid of computers.

However, the video appears to use a non-cheat/cheat explained here.

Anyway, I posted the video because I have a blog and time to kill. And in the blogging world that is reason enough...

Blind Ammunition

I normally don't condone any restriction on the ownership of firearms. The Constitution grants the right to bare arms and I will not dispute it...automatic, black power, or otherwise. Striping gun ownership rights only removes the guns from law abiding citizens, as criminals will still find access to them.

However, today I am making an amendment to my stanch opposition to wide ranging gun control. May I present a proposed bill from Texas that would grant the legally blind the right to hunt.

"This opens up the fun of hunting to additional people, and I think that's great," said Republican Rep. Edmund Kuempel

A bill filed for the 2007 legislative session would permit legally blind hunters to use laser sights, or lighted pointing instruments.
"I've seen this on TV before, when they're taking target practice," Kuempel said. "When they aim the gun, the guide tells them, aim two inches higher or two inches lower and you're on the target, and you're off and running."

Off and running? Truer words have never been spoken, because I can only guess there will be a lot of running and ducking if the blind become armed.Blogger beta: In A Word - Create Post

There are certain things in life that require ability of sight to enjoy and I would put hunting near the top of the list. Aside from the sound and recoil of the gun, exactly what experience is there for the blind? And let me state, for the record, I still believe the blind should have access to gun ownership just not hunting.

Hunters using sights under the proposed legislation would have to carry proof that they are legally blind.

I guess the cane and seeing eye dog wouldn't be enough of a clue...

Sen. Johnson in Critical Condition After Surgery

Obviously, we all wish him a speedy recovery. There are times for politics, but this is not one of them.

The press and political pundits have been covering South Dakota democratic Senator Johnson's health so closely due to the tight one vote majority in US Senate between the two political parties. The reason? Because if Johnson is unable to fulfill his duties a replacement will be appointed by the South Dakota's Governor, Mike Rounds, who happens to be a Republican.

While the political vultures circle around Johnson's health, let me state this clearly: if he is incapacitated and unable to serve in the Senate his replacement SHOULD be a Democrat. Period. Even as a Republican, I realize the American people have spoken during the last election. Americans want Democratic leadership for at least the next two years and the 2006 election outcome should be preserved.

If Republicans wish to lead again, they would be better served by returning to their roots of conservatism, then by starting a dead pool on Tim Johnson.

Do You Remember Where You Were When...?

Generations have defining moments. Grave instances of profound meaning that embed their images and consequences into your memory. My grandparents had Pearl Harbor. My parents had JFK's and Martin Luther King's assassinations and man walking on the moon. My generation had the Challenger shuttle disaster and 9/11.

You never know when these tragedies will happen or which ones will linger longer than others. One thing is certain though, you will always remember where you were and precise time when you heard the news.

So...

Where were you on December 13th, 2006 @7:30PM: "The Day Immigration Officials Stole Christmas?"

I am not sure if Mexican illegal immigrants and their apologists take classes on how-to-properly-word-their statements-when-interviewed-by-the press, but it appears hysterics are a must.

Consider these two quotes:

“When 9/11 came along, everyone remembered it,” said Isis Diaz, 14, and a freshman. “I think everyone will remember this.”

and

"Why did they have to do this two weeks before Christmas?" asked Linae Brush, joining a crowd of about 100 employees and family members outside the plant to support her neighbors, who work for Swift. "I think they're sending a message, a nasty message."

Correlating a raid to detain people breaking the law and the terrorist attacks in NYC? What the fuck?

And law enforcement officials aren't suppose to up hold the law two weeks before Christmas? Give me a break.

Believe me, I will forget these raids as soon as there's another one [and there better be another one... no make that another ONE hundred more]. In fact, I doubt these raids were even a defining moment for those illegal immigrants arrested. So I am sorry Isis Diaz, but the raids of December 13th, 2006 are nothing compared to 9/11.

Call me an evil conservative if you will, but I hope INS sends a few more "nasty messages" before Christmas. I am heartless like that...

Also commenting: State 29

Christmas Comes Early...

I mean really, can you have a Star Wars Christmas special without Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship?

A Step In The Right Direction...Er...Left

Call me cautiously optimistic, but I think the Democrats are making some smart moves leading into the 2007 session of congress. Today it was announced that they are going to remove all "pet projects" from spending bills.

Democrats tidying up a cluster of unfinished spending bills dumped on them by departing Republican leaders in Congress will start by removing billions of dollars in lawmakers' pet projects next month.

The move, orchestrated by the incoming chairmen of the House and Senate Appropriations committees, could prove politically savvy even as it proves unpopular with other members of Congress, who as a group will lose thousands of so-called earmarks.

"There will be no congressional earmarks," Rep. David Obey, D-Wis., and Sen. Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., said Monday in a statement announcing their plans, which were quickly endorsed by incoming Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., and soon-to-be Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D- Nev.

While I completely understand that not all of those allocations of tax money are pork, but I don't think starting over with a clean balance sheets is a bad idea either.

I couldn't care less about congress not taking a pay raise or working five days a week, because frankly those moves are most likely just political posturing. However, I would actually find myself supporting a majority of the Democratic social services, if we could get the rest of the national spending in order.

Alright, alright...I might have overstated my last sentence, but you get where I am coming from.

When It Comes To Terrorism, Democrats Don't Know Shitte

Not that I am inferring that Democrats don't understand the severity of the war on terror...

Incoming House intelligence chief botches easy intel quiz
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Rep. Silvestre Reyes of Texas, who incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has tapped to head the Intelligence Committee when the Democrats take over in January, failed a quiz of basic questions about al Qaeda and Hezbollah, two of the key terrorist organizations the intelligence community has focused on since the September 11, 2001 attacks.

When asked by CQ National Security Editor Jeff Stein whether al Qaeda is one or the other of the two major branches of Islam -- Sunni or Shiite -- Reyes answered "they are probably both," then ventured "Predominantly -- probably Shiite."

That is wrong. Al Qaeda was founded by Osama bin Laden as a Sunni organization and views Shiites as heretics.

Reyes could also not answer questions put by Stein about Hezbollah, a Shiite group on the U.S. list of terrorist organizations that is based in Southern Lebanon.

Sounds like Majority Speaker Pelosi made a fine choice in appointing Reyes to head the Intelligence Committee. In fact Reyes ended the quiz by saying "that spreading of communism will not go unchecked!"

Republican Lawmakers Unionize

Lost in the chaos and blitz of the final few hours of the 2006 session of congress was the vote by Republican lawmakers to unionize. Fearing a hostile working environment under the incoming Democratic controlled congress, the Republican leaders formed the Pachyderm Lawmakers Union Of America Local 527.

"With the Democrats proposing a five day work week and no congressional pay raises in the foreseeable future, Republicans felt they needed an unified voice to bring both parties to the bargaining table," Pachyderm Union President Dennis Hastert announced during a press conference, "It comes down to whether or not we will be able to financially provide for our families, not to mention having the time to see them."

With congress already gridlocked to a near stand still with partisan politics, industry experts expressed deep concerns for yet another layer of bureaucracy.

"Hey, I am all for gridlock if it keeps the blood sucking politicians out of my back pocket, but I don't think forming an union was the right approach," well known and beloved Corn Beltway Boys blogger Jeremie Jordan said, "having to go through the procedural channels of labor negotiations just to discuss and debate the passage of bills seems excessive. Frankly, I thought that was what the House pages were for...well that and picking up their dry cleaning."

The Democratic response to the new Republican union was surprising negative.

"We spend the entire campaign cycle playing lip service to the unions while pandering for a few votes," new US House of Representatives majority leader Nancy Pelosi said after hearing of the union vote, "now I am expected to work with them? Screw that...ever heard of a lockout?"

Her Parents Are So Proud

You know me, I'm the lazy man's blogger. If there's an easy joke, I don't pass it up. I live for the posts that write themselves. While I make fun of the cut and paste bloggers, I wish I had the attention span to do that all day, but I don't...oh, look at the bright shinny colors. However, yesterday the blogging world was grace with this little gem of a story:

If reports are true that Chelsea Clinton and her boyfriend Marc Mezvinsky are considering marriage, the father of the groom won't be able to attend the wedding until he is released from prison in November 2008.

Ed Mezvinsky, a former Democratic Congressman from Iowa, is serving a seven-year sentence for fraud after getting caught up in a series of Nigerian e-mail scams.

I do love how the story and the headline skirt around the the fact that Mezvinsky is a crook. "Former Congressman Duped by Nigerian Scams," unless you read the article you would almost think Mezvinsky was the victim. He was the "victim" up and until he decided to use the Nigerian e-mail scam on family and friends...then he became the leading Democratic candidate for President in '08.

Background similarities between these two families is undeniable. It really is no wonder Chelsea and Marc have fallen in love, the only thing I would be worried about is whether or not they might actually be distant cousins.

You can just imagine the holiday get together between the two families:

Bill: So Ed, good to see you again. Looks like prison treated you well.
Ed: Yeah it wasn't too bad, I actually ran into a couple of your friends. They say "hi."
Bill: I was talking with Chelsea and Marc, they seem to be ready to take over the family business. I figured I could teach them the shady land deals and...
Ed: ...and I can teach them internet scams.