An Interview with Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand Fist

With Chet Culver leading the race for the Democratic nomination to face off for governor of Iowa against the Republican candidate, Jim Nussle, I felt the need to learn more about the man and the myth. A lot has been made about Chet’s inability at public speaking and the lack of debate skills. Then recently as Chet and his lieutenant governor running mate, Janet Reno, began appearing in an almost quasi-romantic political TV ad I started to notice a subtle change in Chet’s delivery.

At first I dismissed what I saw as an anomaly. However, with each successive view of the ad, the gesture became more and more pronounced. I finally concluded Chet had indeed incorporated the Clinton-style emphatic debate hand movements into his speeches. You know the brilliant hand gestures that stresses each word of speaker in an attempt to over emphasize the importance of what is being said. I am calling this the biggest development in the young race for the governorship. Unless, Jim Nussle addresses this startling discovery I fear the public opinion will irreconcilably shift in Chet’s favor. The hand gesture is that strong.

In an attempt to be first news source with this breaking development, In A Word is proud to have secured an exclusive one-on-hand interview with the possible race altering Chet Culver Emphatic Debate Hand:

In A Word [IAW]: Nice to see you again. What has it been, six or seven years?

Chet Culver’s Emphatic Debate Hand [Hand]: Has it been that long? It seems like only yesterday I standing in front of the nation emphasizing Bill Clinton’s every word: “I [strong hand gesture] did [strong hand gesture] not [extra strong hand gesture] have sexual [strong but muted hand gesture] relations [strong hand gesture] with that [strong hand gesture] women [strong hand gesture held slightly longer for effect].”

IAW: Yes, clearly that was a defining moment for you, but I was wondering how we now find you on Chet Culver’s right arm?

Hand: Well, the return to civilian life has hit former President Clinton pretty hard. Gone are the defensive and emphatic speeches by day and intern pleasuring at night. The need for my services was starting to wane. About the time we started the boring globetrotting with former President Bush, I get this call from Chet Culver. Well, actually it was Chet’s wife pleading for help; both politically and personally.

IAW: Had you heard of Chet and his horrid speaking skills before his wife called you?

Hand: No, thank God. However, when she called me, Chet was practicing a speech about ethanol in background. As I listened on the phone to Chet talk, I started to get all tingly with the feeling of small needles all over my fingers. I literally feel asleep listening to him drone on. His wife assured me it was worse in person. I parted ways with Mr. Clinton and immediately boarded a plane for Iowa.

IAW: Well noticed you effects right away. What do you attribute your success to?

Hand: My background is in sales and all those years selling used cars taught me it’s about sizzle and not the steak. Politics is no different. Half the time the politician doesn’t have a clue what he/she is talking about. That is why my job is so important. While Chet is prattling on about how he is the right man to be governor of Iowa, my duty is to distract and hypnotize the audience to away from what he is saying. If I do my job correctly, everyone will be watching me and not Chet screwing up.

IAW: If I may say so, I am very impressed by the dramatic effect you’ve had on Chet’s speeches. I have no idea what Chet is saying during his commercials, but I always watch his hand. In fact, I look forward to seeing the bobbing thumb and fist.

Hand: I really am that good. In fact, during a recent speech Chet staring talking about his rubber ducky and people started applauding when I emphasized the words “squeaky squeakers.” They had no idea what he was talking about, but the crowd was so tuned into to me that they didn’t even notice Chet’s stupid monologue. Unfortunately, my skills don’t transfer very well to paper or I would offer my services in an attempt to help revive your sorry, sad blog.

A More Perfect Jordan

Concerned About Public Safety, the Rest of the Nation Asks Arkansas to Quarantine Itself

Unfortunately the following post is the type of tripe I write when I sit on an idea for a story for an entire week. Sometimes is ripens and becomes funny other times it festers and wilts. However, since this is my main blog now, you guys get both the good and the bad. And yes, I am aware there have been very little “good” posts lately, but then I never claimed to be Hemmingway…

Little Rock, Ark [Juice newswire]

Arkansas governor, fresh off his victory outlawing smoking in most public places, has returned with his newest health initiative: banning public flatulence.

“There is nothing worse than entering an elevator right after someone exited, only to realize they left behind a pair of Arkansas barking spiders just as the doors close shut, “ Gov. Mike Huckabee said during an open air press conference.

The bill comes on the heels of the growing trend of SBDs being laid throughout the Razorback state and a possible link to Parkinson’s disease.

The proposed bill would exempts bathrooms, kybos, Jim Carrey movies and babies smiling for the first time because they are passing gas.

Violators would face fines for misdemeanors like asking someone to “pull your finger” and would escalate to possible jail time for giving someone a Dutch oven.

The legislation would also ban performing a blow-by while in a car with children younger than 6 years old or still restrained in a car seat and placed directly behind an adult.

Bill sponsor Democrat Bob Mathis stated, “It galls me to no end to know that fathers are laying down a burner on the car ride home from the Chinese buffet and there is nothing the poor child can do about it.”

Mathis went on to say it maybe a little difficult to determine who the offenders are, but that the state was hoping people would police themselves. “It has always been my experience that whoever smelt it, dealt it.” Mathis added.

Huckabee said he was inclined to pass the bill if it reaches his desk.

“Believe me, there is nothing worse than turning down the snack aisle at the Winn Dixie looking for the double stuffed Oreos, only to find yourself walking right into some else’s aftershocks,” Huckabee explained, “I mean, come on, it is grocery store for crimney sakes, people have to eat this food someday.”

Side note: In case you were wondering, this is my way of saying I think the Arkansas ban on smoking is wrong. And I hate smoking…

Just Lose It

There is rational discussion and then there is this, this and this.

Someone please explain to me how hateful, vile, fear pandering blogs contribute to the national discourse on politics? Someone please explain to me how wishing cancer on the sitting US President is considered constructive. Explain to me how making a statement like the following quote opens up lines of debate with people of opposing viewpoints?

"It was rather though[t]less of me to compare the most asinine, brutal, criminal, disgusting, enraging, felonious, gross, horrendous, incompetent, jaundiced, kleptocratic, lazy, malicious, nefarious, objectional, psychopathic, quarrelsome, repulsive, sanctimonious, treasonous, unfit, vindictive, wasteful, xenophobic, yahooish, zealotic piece of shit inhabiting the White House and the planet to persons suffering with a neurobiological disorder." – Bill [From both a Washington Times article and the comments thread on My Left Wing, were a poster apologizes for comparing President Bush to those with ADD]

Let me be perfectly clear, if this is how the liberals are going to take back the White House, maybe we could leave the current Republican leadership in power and donate all the money saved by not having any campaigns and give it to some worthy cause. Because people, this type of rhetoric is NOT going to win back the White House. Hateful blog posts don’t vote. Hateful blog posts don’t cause people to vote.

Maybe I am the only Republican hoping for some Democratic victories this fall, but we need some constructive dialogue in this country again. I find myself wanting to learn more about the Democratic candidates and possibly voting for them because I want to send a message to the Republicans that they aren’t representing the values that put them in power.

However, you can’t say things like "Bush Must Be HIV Positive By Now (you can't fuck 500 million people and not get infected) [Maryscott O’Connor-My Right Wing],” and expect impressionable, swing voters to listen. Actually, quite the opposite will happen and they will turn against you. There is a time for preaching to the choir, and that time is not right now.

Now before you start piling on me, and start saying I am just the right wing version of what I am trashing, I caution you to prove it. I admit I take strong stances against some of the politicians and positions of the left, but never have I wished them to die, contract cancer, and I rarely, if ever, use profanity. I am actually looking for discussions with opposing viewpoints, hence the reason I choose to write on Juice for awhile. I found my other blog, In A Word, was heading down the path towards becoming another wingnut hangout. I want to mix it up. I want to write something and have someone tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, rather than constantly agreeing with me. .

I believe if political blogs could effect elections, then the Daily Kos would have won the 2004 Presidential bid for Kerry, but it didn’t. In fact, you can probably make the case the Daily Kos hurt Kerry’s chances by causing the extreme right to rush to the polls.

It is time for some insightful messages from both parties and their supporters in an effort to move us forward as a nation. We all gravitate towards like minded people as a haven against what is going on the in world, and that is fine. However, to affect change you need a wide ranging and attentive audience, and blogs like My Right Wing, the Daily Kos and the Rude Pundit don’t have that.

It is my fear that those types of blogs are starting to become representive of the Democratic Party, and if so the whole country is in trouble.

Sexual History

When California heard Vermont Democrats were calling for the impeachment of George Bush, the gold rush state felt it was an attack on their designation as the “most liberal state in the union.” In an effort to reassert themselves as the rightful leaders of common sense killing in America, legislature in California introduced a bill to bleach the K-12 textbooks of traditional sexual orientation and family.

Now before you start piling on me like I am some gay bashing conservative blogger, hear me out on this one. Anyone who knows me knows my stance on homosexuality is this: life is too damn short to sit around condemning people for trying to be happy with the little time they have on this planet. Furthermore, I don’t think I am the one who should be deciding right and wrong for other people’s sexual orientation. Homosexuality is one area where I believe people should do what feels right regardless of established public opinion.

However, that said I do not believe we should resort to removing from our school books normal sexual orientation or normal family values. To be honest, when I learned about Abraham Lincoln leading this country out of a civil war and freeing the slaves, I don’t recall any mention of his sexual orientation. Nor do I believe whether he went home to his wife or gay lover has any bearing on outcome of his actions.

I find this bill to be another example of political correctness gone too far. In contrast to CA SB 1437, I don’t believe we need to introduce legislation that supports teaching kids that George Washington loved his wife and they had wild passionate sex. Now, if there was a case in history that held some gay significance, and showed a person overcoming homosexual prejudice and other obstacles to achieve greatest then I would understand. However, most theories on historical figures’ sexual orientation are pure conjecture.

California already has laws protecting gay rights and preventing discrimination based on sexual preference, so I find the recently introduced bill to be overkill. Don’t bleach history to appease the current politically correct movement. I believe this type of legislation to be an affront to be heterosexuals and homosexuals alike, as it tends to send anti-gay groups into frenzy. Thus, once again putting the gay community on the defensive and also does nothing to help us come together as a country on this issue.

Queensryche's Operation: Mindcrime II

If you are like me, then there are music albums that define certain periods in your life. One chord from any song off those albums will flood your mind with memories, both pleasant and strained. Queensryche’s groundbreaking Operation: Mindcrime is one such album for me. Operation: Mindcrime represents the time in my life in which my world was changing, both figuratively and literally. My mother had accepted a job in Houston, Texas I was about to live outside of Iowa for the first time in my life. Throw in the fact I was corn-fed Iowa boy about to endure his teen years in a big city and music became the perfect escape.

Queensryche’s opus was also one of first metal albums I owned and definitely the first concept album I owned. I grew up on the Beatles, Skynyrd, Bob Seger, Journey and Van Halen, but the progressive metal band from Seattle started my evolution to harder music. Granted I would take unfortunate backslides in my musical tastes throughout my teen years [I hate you Def Leppard for stealing hours of my life with Hysteria], but there was always one constant: Mindcrime. The idea that a band would weave a story through an entire album had me hooked.

Mindcrime had it all: a young street urchin turned political assassin, a doctor using drugs to manipulate people’s minds, a hooker turned nun, and a corrupt TV evangelist who helped funnel money throughout the doctor’s crime syndicate. All of these characters play out a murder-mystery story that caused me to go through no less than two cassette tapes and two CDs. I have no doubt that Mindcrime is the album I have listened to most in my lifetime.

Where am I going with story? Well, last year Queensryche announced they were planning a sequel to arguably the best rock concept album of all time and this Tuesday marks the official release date for Operation: Mindcrime II. Through the magic of the Internet I have already had the chance to hear the entire album about 6-7 times through.

I while I am looking forward to picking up the official copy of the album for the lyrics and liner notes, I can honestly say after listening to the album a few times it is a worthy follow up to the original. However, my initial impression of the album remains; it feels “over” produced. The songs on the original Mindcrime were able to stand on their own apart from plotlines on rest of the album. You could listen to “I Don’t Believe In Love” without knowing that it was a link in a string of songs telling a story.

Mindcrime II is more of a musical than a hard rock album. Queensryche’s singer, Geoff Tate, is joined by Pamela Moore as the voice of Mary [the dead prostate/nun] and Ronnie James Dio as the voice of Dr. X. I suppose that is what separates Mindcrime II right away from the first album is amount of duet songs. On Mindcrime Geoff Tate handled all the vocals, save Mary’s lines in the song “Suite Sister Mary.” If I want show tunes, I’ll listen to Phantom of the Opera, but when I put in a Queensryche CD, I want Geoff handling the bulk of the vocals.

Don’t get me wrong; the duet songs are typically well done. However, they weren’t what I was expecting, so it took awhile to get used to them. So, far the stand out songs in my opinion are: “I’m American,” “Hostage,” “The Hands,” “The Chase,” and “Re-Arrange Me.” My initial understanding of Mindcrime II’s storyline revolves around Nikki [the street urchin] getting released from prison and setting out to confront Dr. X and some other demons from his past.

If you are a fan of progressive metal, I can safely recommend Queensryche’s Operation: Mindcrime II. Of course, it doesn’t completely live up to the original album, however it is worthy of its’ own praise.

Now if you will allow me a moment to play the role of a frou-frou blog for a moment, I would like to know what albums, throughout your lifetime, have influenced you the most? Heed this warning though; I will make fun of the first person that lists Huey Lewis and the News or Michael Bolton.

Media Bias

Reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

It isn’t everyday you get to blog on a website loosely associated with the state’s largest newspaper, so I feel compelled to issue a few parting shots at the Des Moines Register. Not like anyone from the Register would care what some two-bit blogger thinks; but hey, its Friday and my angst towards the rest of the world has tapered off this week.

About four months ago I stopped my Register subscription. Sure, I still pick it up from time to time at a convenience store, but I got tired of the slanted political commentary. The Register doesn’t have a single, local columnist that even slightly resembles a conservative, so there is never balance. Unfortunately, the Register is also one of the only sources for local news, so I am always torn whether or not to read it. It also doesn’t help that I am a news junkie.

To make matters worse, I have started noticing a growing tend of “news analysis” stories in the front-page section of the Register. News analysis articles are were the reporter breaks down whatever story they are covering and then tell you why it is important and why you should care. News analysis stories sound an awful lot like “editorials” to me. Maybe I missed the memo, but I thought news stories were supposed to be factual and void of supposition. It was my understanding that a newspaper is to present the facts and then let the reader draw their own conclusions. Then, if you don’t feel like thinking for the day, you can then turn to editorial section of the paper and have your thoughts spoon-feed. However, when the Register starts interjecting news analysis articles in the area usually reserved for straight news, it hard to tell where the facts end and the opinion starts.

I don’t want opinion in my news and I would like a little diversity in the editorial section. Is this too much to ask? Lets be honest here, there is never any counter balance in the Register to Richard Doak constantly praising socialism and Rekha Basu prattling on about the latest affront to abortion.

Back in the day, newspapers were decidedly skewed in one direction. Starting with the earliest days of our nation’s existence through the mid 1900s, certain newspapers were blatantly slanted towards a particular political party. They didn’t hide the fact and usually expressed their viewpoint somewhere on the front page. However, in today’s society all the newspapers try to act unbiased and I find it to be an insult to the intelligence of the American citizens that they do so. It is time for the nation’s newspapers to be honest with the public and drop the whole smoke screen of objectivity, because no one is buying it.

Expressing Oneself With Feces

Reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

In Minnesota, a school district is investigating an incident involving poo smeared over the boy’s restroom. It seems this type of activity had been going on for a while. Quite understandably one teacher had enough and made the boys in his/her class clean the bathroom. Seems fair to me as long as a certain level of precaution was taken; like gloves [I also think toothbrushes should have been involved, but I am a little more strict than most people]. However, what seems fair to me and what is fair to other parents are two different things:

"This is my son's safety," said Tremell Pittman, the father of one boy. "To me it's a serious, serious health hazard." The boy's mother removed the child from the classroom the day after the incident."

See, the first reaction in this Minnesota town was to call for the punishment of the teacher, which the Superintendent is currently looking into. My response would have been entirely different:

“Did my son clean toilet and walls so they sparkled? Because if not, he is free this weekend to come back to the school and spend the day discovering the finer points of responsibility.”

What are these parents teaching their children? I mean, sure there must have been more than a couple kids who were forced to clean the bathroom that probably had nothing to do the poop on the walls. However, I could have almost guaranteed [prior to the parent’s intervention] that the innocent boys would become wonderful protectors of the restroom. Thus, helping to eliminate the problem. And naturally those boys who did fling the crap on the walls, in my opinion, got the punishment they deserved.

Of course, I could be out of touch again, maybe little Timmy was just “expressing himself,” and the parents are just protecting his freedoms. However, just reading this story made me want to go tell my son clean his bathroom. You know, just because I can. Life isn’t fair, and I have decided I am the one to personally teach this to my boy.

Yeah I know, he will either hate me one day or thank me while giving a speech.

"My Angel Is The Centerfold"

The following is reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

Sharon Stone is claiming it is too early for Hillary Clinton [pictured in a photo shoot for Maxim magazine] to run for President, she is “too sexy.”

"Hillary still has sexual power, and I don't think people will accept that," Stone said. "It's too threatening."

Yes, Sharon she is so sexy her husband has cheated on her no less than 3 times.

I mean when think of sexy women; Hillary is generally the first person that come to mind.

Of course, Hillary isn’t the only sexy woman; there is also Janet Reno, Dame Edna, Diane Feinstein, and Kathy Bates.

I better stop writing about these vivacious and voluptuous vixens, because it is giving me thoughts that are making me feel unfaithful to my wife.

Up To The Minute Opinion Polls

The following is reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

Somewhere in the press today, there will no doubt be an opinion poll detailing a decline in President Bush’s approval rating. It seems recently CNN and the New York Times have taken to conducting real-time updates of Bush job performance:

6 AM (approval rating 36%): Bush wakes. CNN is reporting American’s where unimpressed with the President’s dream about pink turtles knights wearing tube socks on their tails in an attempt to win favor with the Princess No Left Turn. The public is calling for more dreams about Saddam in a thong.

7AM (approval rating 35%): Bush is dressed and has daily security briefing. NY Times publishes polls indicating that 87% of all Democrats disagree with Bush’s discussion to go with the navy suit and a red tie. Even 65% of Republicans think he should wear more suits with pin stripes.

8AM (approval rating 34%) After a quick breakfast with the First Lady, Bush heads to the oval office. The Huffington Post is claiming Bush is completely out of touch with the average American, as the President chooses a ban muffin over Count Chocula. The Huffington Post is also reporting Hitler liked a good ban muffin too…

9AM (approval rating 33%) Bush makes a few calls to congressional leaders to drum up support for some of his initiatives. MichaelMoore.com surveys 23 Americans and finds that 6 of them disappointed with Bush’s use of a landline phone. Clearly the “will of the people” is for their President to use a Blackberry.

10AM (approval rating 32%) Cheney and Rumsfeld request a meeting with Bush to discuss the War in Iraq. The Washington Post editorial staff rakes the President for not stabilizing the violence in Iraq, ratifying their Constitution and mending the centuries of ethic hatred before “hanging out with his buddies at 10AM and playing war games.”

11AM (approval rating 31%) The President skips a planned early lunch and goes for a jog before heading off to scheduled public appearances. Howard Dean attacks Bush for creating a lunch-skipping precedent that may influence thousands of impressionable children to not eat their school lunches. Dean goes on to say the President clearly doesn’t think the established timetables for breakfast, lunch and supper apply to the current administration.

Let me state this clearly and distinctly: the only opinion poll I care about is the one where Americans goes into a little booth and vote. However, that said, I do believe the President can do better in the polls. I think with a little effort on his part he can dip to the 20% range. I personally won’t be satisfied until Bush hits then teens, but then my expectations of what I expect out of the President are more rigid than the average American citizen. Clearly it is time for Bush to snap his fingers and click his heels and solve all of the problems in the world.

Tick, Tick, Tick

The following has been reprinted from my post on DM Juice. Please refer to the Juice Blog for the links, as I didn't feel like adding them a second time here on In A Word:

The United States debt clock that hangs in Times Square is running out of space to be able to display all the digits in our national debt. Our debt stands at $8,300,000,000,000,000 or 8.3 trillion for those of you not wanting to count the commas. It was designed to handle a trillion, but not 10 trillion. Each second that passes adds another $20,000 to our national debt so the clock is estimated to need replacing sometime in the next 2 years.

I will defend our President on a lot of issues, but one of them is not the national budget. I will concede to the current administration that there have been unforeseen factors in the last five years, which have contributed to the increased US debt load. However, what concerns me, as a conservative, is the speed at which we have plunged the country back into the red.

Before I start bashing the Bush administration to hard, let me start by outlining a few events that need to be established as fact. The country was already headed into a recession before Bush took office, period. The dot.com bubble had busted and the job market was waning. The effects of 9/11 have rippled and will continue to ripple through our economy for years to come. There are some sectors of the economy that will never resurface, because of the attacks in 2001. Tack on natural disasters and two foreign wars and you have perfect concoction to elevate our debt exponentially.

However, all that said, our elected officials have a responsibility to the citizens of this great nation to get their spending under control. There are government programs that need to be cut and pork projects that need to be deleted. In fact, there were almost 14,000 pork projects in 2005. There is good debt [debt that leads the country forward and needs to be spent] and there is bad debt [money we keep throwing away year after year with nothing to show for it]. It is time for both parties to sit down a figure out what the country needs and doesn’t need.

I will not stand for increased taxes. Our government already pulls in enough money and their job is to learn how to spend it. I don’t work 50-60 hours a week so every time a Senator wants to build a $320 million bridge to nowhere, all he has to do is call in a few favors with his colleagues. Unfortunately, these types of projects happen every day in congress.

Want I am calling for is the line-item veto. The framers of the Constitution believed the President had two choices when presented a bill from congress, sign it or veto it. However, the founding fathers did not foresee the massive amounts of pork our beloved elected officials would start attaching to bills. Give the President the power to strike worthless spending from an otherwise acceptable bill. In return, allow the members of congress to overturn each of the Presidents line-item vetoes.

The rub to our Senators and House Representatives would be that they would need a two-thirds majority to pass spending on such things as:

• $1.1 million to research an alternative to Salmon
• $6.2 million for wood use research
• $18.7 million for Alaska seal and sea lions
• $33.9 million for the Maui Space Surveillance System
• $1.5 million to search for E.T.s
• $1 million for Brown Tree Snakes, which do not exist in North America

And the list goes on and on and on and on and on…

The Continuing Adventures of Lord Abortion and His Sidekick Fetus

When we last left our procreation fighting heroes they were locked in a fierce struggle with their South Dakotan evil nemesis, Dr. Protecto. However, as the South Dakota ban on abortion appears headed to the Supreme Court for a final showdown, a new dark cloud appears off in the distance.

“Holy generation, altering court case, Bort-Man. What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, but I fear the political landscape is changing. Watch out Fetus, a holy roller is right behind you!”

POW!! SCRAPE!! SUCK!!

[Elsewhere in the world...]

In a legal maneuver that has sent Planned Parenthood-type groups scrambling for rationale and sound positions, a 25 year male is attempting to absolve himself of responsibility to a child he fathered. It is a question that has begged an answer since Roe Vs. Wade became law in the 1970s: why should the women have ultimate say in determining which fetuses are brought to term and which die?

Mel Feit, founder of the National Centre of Men, who is representing Matt Dubay, the man attempting to divorce himself from his child, had this to say:

“Women now have the freedom and security to enjoy lovemaking without the fear of forced procreation.”

“Men are routinely forced to give up control, forced to be financially responsible for choices only women are permitted to make, forced to relinquish reproductive choice as the price of intimacy.”

Mr. Feit also went on to explain that it is his position that the lack of male reproductive rights violates the principle of equal protection granted by the Constitution.

So here we find ourselves at the crossroads of a sociological dilemma. If women have the right to govern over their bodies, why shouldn’t men have some sort of say in the decision of whether or not they wish to become a parent?

Catch-22s make for slippery slopes and while I don’t agree with abortions or Mr. Dubay’s desire to duck responsibility, I find our past actions as a country have lead us to a point where our distorted logic tells us men should have every right to not be a parent.

If abortion is a constitutional right of a women to protect themselves from forced parenthood, then that same Constitution tells us that men should have that same right; even if it is counter to the will of the women. So, basically, as it stands now I truly do believe two wrongs do make a right.

[Mean while, back at the Underground Clinic “RU-486” we find our heroes in conversation…]

“It appears there is new danger afoot, Fetus, and its’ name is distorted common sense.”

So, join us next week, where we will hear Fetus ask Lord Abortion, “When do I get rights and protection?”

Same batty time. Same batty place.

In A Word: Juiced

I have been granted a second week of blogging on the DM Juice website. I came in third in the points race just 30 points off of second place and more than 1,000 points ahead of fouth place, Alex Pickett, the blogger who wrote opposite of me.

To be honest, I am not sure where this week will lead us. I plan on playing the abortion card right out of the gate. I figure, what the hell, I might as well go all in this time. Time will tell, but I am confident of my writhing abilities and my presence in the mist of flame war. So, needless to say I am excited to see where I end up.

As with the previous week I will republish all of my Juice posts on In A Word, but you are welcome to join me over at DM Juice for the comments and writer reader interaction. Of course, it goes without saying you are welcome to comment here also.

You Had Your Turn, Now Please Shut Up

Madeleine Albright [pictured], astute diplomat that she is, has taken to criticizing the Bush administration. I would just like to ask the former Clinton Secretary of State to please muzzle herself. See here is the problem I have with the most recent former Secretary of State commenting on the current Secretary of State; if Ms. Albright would have done her job correctly the Bush administration wouldn't have to run around and fix all of her mistakes.

I mean obviously the great, omnipotent Albright foresaw the events of 9/11? Or maybe she knew is Saddam was going to cave in to UN resolutions in just a few more decades?

Nothing sends me into a tizzy more than Clinton apologists claiming they know the answers, but then not sharing the knowledge.

Lets look at the amazing accomplishments of Albright and see if she has any credibility to stand on shall we?

In the eight years of the Clinton administration these great moments in diplomacy occurred:

• Palestinians got no closer to statehood.
• North Korea took our aid and then defied our agreements on nuclear proliferation.
• Iraq refused to comply with UN resolutions and profited from a corrupt Food for Oil program.
• Afghanistan became a terrorist hotbed.
• Pakistan and India tethered on the brink of war.
• Numerous countries in Africa and Serbia practiced genocide while the world watched.
• Terrorist cells in the United States planned 9/11.
  

Before Ms. Albright starts claiming to know the answers, she needs to first demonstrate she understands the questions. Because according the Clinton record on world affairs, the administration's response to every problem it faced was to the look the other way.

Don't make any mistake, the problems facing the Bush administration were festering during the nineties. Fortunately, for future generations we now have a President who is willing to sacrifice his political image and poll numbers to get some real work accomplished on world affairs.

Where Are The Damn Updates Already?

Why haven't I updated In A Word for awhile? Well the answer is that my wife and kids are on spring break and usual time set aside for blogging is spent now with my family. Rest assured when they return to school, the liberal bashing will resume at full strength. In fact, the pent up frustration might make it a little bloody next week.

As a side note, IrishWalsh and I are in the preliminary discussions of setting up a dual blog where we would both contribute. I am excited about the possibility of writing alongside someone else. I believe the dialogue between Walsh and I would create some interesting possibilities. The overarching idea is to create a blog with more reader interaction. I am not like a lot of other bloggers, so every time a Democrat says something stupid I don't tend to always have a response. So, having Walsh on the same blog as me will allow me to have days of silence while he still updates the blog, and vice versa.

When we get farther along, I will give you more details.

A Favor

Now that I have completed my week long stunt as a DM Juice blogger, would like to ask the readers of In A Word to click this link and vote for me.

It is painless and just a few clicks of the mouse.

Think of it as your way of sticking it to the man. Don't question the analogy, just click and vote.

Answered Prayer

Reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

Friday was a good day to be a Cyclone fan again. With an athletic department headed my Jamie Pollard; you can sense ISU will not accept anything less than success. As a rabid Clone fan that grew up in Ames and went to ISU, I can tell this season was one of the worst to endure and it is nice to see a change on the horizon.

The firing of Wayne Morgan showed me that we would start looking beyond the win/loss record and also look at where we believe our two main programs are headed. If you remove Wayne Morgan’s win/loss record, what is left to show promise in the future?

One of my biggest problems with Morgan was his ever-present deflection of responsibility:

"Do you know how long Iowa State has been playing basketball? For however long that is, do you know how many times Iowa State has been to postseason tournaments? Probably 14 or 15. I hope that it's not a different standard for me” [Wayne Morgan Thursday’s Des Moines Register].

A different standard? Nope, just a higher standard. We pay you ¾ of a million dollars a year Mr. Morgan and I am sorry if you have a problem with expectations, but I want some return on the investment.

All we heard from Morgan this year was “have patience, because we have a young team.” Young team? The backcourt, headed by two juniors, was supposed to be one of the best in the nation. With the talent that Stinson and Blalock possess they should have elevated everyone’s game around them, instead they turned into selfish ball hogs and Morgan’s offensive schemes helped them.

There wasn’t a single game this season where I felt Morgan out coached the opposing team. If we won it was because we had more talent than the other team, not because we had a better game plan. In fact, opposing coaches would only have to watch one game film of Iowa State this season to know what defense and offense we were going to run. When teams would break ISU’s zone defense we would throw them more zone defense. When team would key on Stinson and Blalock and our NBA style clear out offensive, Stinson and Blaylock would just take triple coverage shots while a wide-open teammate stood five feet away. To be honest, I am not sure what we paid Morgan for this year.

I am just glad Jamie Pollard felt the same way.

DHS and the 12th Circle Of Hell

Reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

My wife and I are only one class shy of completing our foster care training. Everyone has their causes they support, mine is children in harm’s way. Through no fault of their own, kids are thrown into situations with unsafe environments and a bleak outlook for the rest of their lives. My experience in life has taught me I can’t change the world. I am neither smart enough nor creative enough to tackle the planet’s biggest problems with effective solutions. However, I can make a difference in a child’s life. My hard work has afforded me the opportunity to have a clean, safe home with a loving, strong family with hearts for giving.

The training process to become a foster parent goes through the Department of Human Services, which in turn means it goes through hell. I know this will be a shock, to you the reader, but government agencies and me don’t necessarily mix. Our encounter with DHS before we enrolled in our classes was strained, to put it mildly.

Last summer, my wife and I took an infant boy into our home while his mother entered rehab for Meth. We met her through an outreach program at our church. Long story short, she fell out of treatment and we felt inclined to call DHS to prevent the young boy from reentering a life of drugs, homelessness and prostitution.

When we first contacted DHS we where hailed as heroes for our desire of wanting to remain the child’s foster parents. Their only requirement for our family was to submit to the usual application process. We agreed and started to setup our classes, background checks and drug screening. The class registration and background checks were flawless, but drug testing was a different story.

Let me take you through the process of dropping a urine analysis for the state. First, it is imperative that you go with a full bladder, because the waiting room at the lab will make you feel like you haven’t drank any fluids in a week. You will be sitting next to people that aren’t there because they are looking to do foster care, but rather are court mandated to be there. After a short wait, the time to perform is upon you. After being ushered into a sparse bathroom with mirrors surrounding the toilet you will be asked to pee while the attendant watches over your shoulder. Now I have used hundreds of public restrooms and stood next to many men urinating in my time, but having someone actually watch you go is a different experience. However, I rose up to the occasion and performed flawlessly. Not one of my better performances, but it would do.

What happened next will stay with me for the rest of my life, the attendant thanked me as I handed him the glass of urine. Thanked me? For what, the pee cocktail or the show I just gave him? Without thinking, I said, “you’re welcome.” We stood there a moment longer, each of us starting to realize that there are some services in life that don’t require a thank you.

Unfortunately, the drug test showed trance amounts of amphetamines in wife’s UA due to the prescription drugs she takes for high blood pressure and her Crohn’s disease. Understandably, DHS choose to remove the young boy from our care, until the follow up tests could concluded my wife was not, in fact, a Meth head.

Long story short (too late, I know) DHS never regained its’ faith in us as a foster family and choose not to put the boy back in our care. Sure, the drug tests eventually showed us both to be clean, but then DHS started to question my wife’s health due to fact she has Crohn’s disease. We were then told we don’t have the proper background to handle the boy who had been in our care because he had special needs. Of course, the bureaucracy that is DHS didn’t take the time to research the fact my wife works for the Waukee Schools with special needs children. I can tell after attending 10 weeks of classes with other couples looking to help needy kids, my wife and I may well be over qualified. In some small way, completing the classes gives me the feeling that we proved to DHS just how wrong they were about our family. And yes I know DHS couldn’t care less about my family’s reputation, but for me it helps.

The story I just told you is, of course, the abridge version of a very long and painful process that has finally reached its’ conclusion. Undeterred by grossly inept government workers, our home will finally be a potential safe haven for children in need of assistance. Put simply, it will be worth the trials.

God Please Forgive Me For Writing About Cindy Sheehan Again, Part 2

My post as reprinted from DM Juice:

Few things tug at your heartstrings quite like a mother grieving the loss of her child. A cruel twist of fate that commits an offspring to the grave before the parent plays against the natural progression of life. Those that enter the world first should in turn exit first.

When this cycle is disturbed it can cause behavior that turns a historically normal mother into a raving lunatic lurking on the fringes of Michael Moore.com.

I have come to accept that my constant ridicule of Cindy Sheehan will be a sin which will require years of repentance to forgive, but God help me it is so much fun. Through my numerous connections I formed with my blockbuster other blog, In A Word, I was able to secure an exclusive Cindy Sheehan letter explaining what really happened a week ago when she was arresting again in protest of the Iraqi war. The following diary of events is the unabridged version of the post that appears on Michael Moore.com. May her insight cause you pause in what may otherwise be an unfailing support of our Liar in Chief, George Bush:

Yesterday began just like any other day for me. I awoke missing my son, Carey, and wondering where I was. Life as a media whore leaves you susceptible to waking up in strange places following an all night bender with Moveon.org. I still wait for the day they at least kiss me goodbye.

After getting my bearings I realized I was in New York City to protest something, somewhere, with some people I will hopefully never see again. Luckily the nice staffers from Michael Moore.com always supply me with my daily itinerary, so I haven’t had to form an original opinion in over 2 years.

After psyching myself up with the usual “Bush lied, people died” mantra, I set out into the street of New York City to do some good. I was marching on behalf of the People Adrift Without Normal Sensibilities and our main objective was to deliver a worthless piece of paper with some names on it to our US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton.

Of course, due to the fact America has been transformed into a fascist state by Nazi…er…Republican Party; I was arrested. It was at the time of my arrest that the emotions all hit me at once. I had lost my son Corky, my husband, my country, my rights as granted by the 18th amendment, and my lucky pendant with a picture of Hugo Chavez.

I had the joy of being frisked by the arresting officer. In fact, when it comes to being incarcerated, getting patted down is one of my favorite things. Being the ever vigilant activist that I am I requested the officer pat me down a second time, but asked him to go slower and to be a little more thorough. Coco would be so proud of his mother.

After putting forth one of my best crying performances of my career, I was released. With the help of great Americans like Michael Moore we have been able to secure a bunch of talk show interviews. Michael even said he might been able to extend my 15 minutes of fame to about 16 or 17, but in doing so I would have to sell him my soul. Of course, I agreed out of a desire to honor my fallen son, Casper.

I just wanted to write a letter to all my friend(s) and supporter(s), to let you know you can't always believe what you read in the press. I wanted to let you know my side of the story as presented by MichaelMoore.com with limited commercial interruptions.

Peace, and praise Allah,

Cindy Sheehan

Pandering To 7% Of The Population

Reprinted from my post on DM Juice:

In a resounding defeat for teenagers all across the state last week, the Iowa House of Representatives defeated a measure to increase our state’s minimum wage. Democrats are claiming the average working Iowan will be working harder next year for the same amount of money:

But, having put politics ahead of public policy, they [those that voted against increasing the minimum wage] will probably fail to mention that they were also the ones responsible for keeping low-wage Iowa workers from being rewarded for their hard work again this year. –written statement by House Democratic leader, Pat Murphy.

Um, no actually that is untrue. I know political rhetoric makes for great sound bites, but lets try and keep a little truth in our comments, shall we?

The facts:

Only 7% of Iowa workers are a single parent or single earner in a couple with kids.

The average wage [minus the “minimum” tag] in Iowa was $15.10 in 2004 or up 5% over 2003.

So, let take those statistics along with Pat Murphy’s comments and feed them into our handy dandy common sense machine and see what it spits out…

The Democrat statement should have read something like this:

Due to the fact the free market system is working, the government will continue to keep its’ hands out of the private sector. The average worker in Iowa is making $15.10 per hour, which is an increase over the previous year, thus proving the minimum wage is nothing more than a cheap stunt by which to improve our image with the state’s unions.

Further more, as only 7% of our entire population is earning the minimum wage, we feel the business sector has been doing an admirable job of compensating Iowa workers for the jobs they do.

Who the hell works for $5.15 an hour? For crimney sakes man, Mickey D’s starts a burger flipper out at about $7 an hour. Going out on a limb here, but perhaps the 7% of workers making $5.15 are so utterly inept they do not warrant more than five bucks an hour.

You show me someone making $5.15 an hour for 40 hours a week and I will show you the most unmotivated, grossly unskilled worker in Iowa. Rather than waiting for the Iowa legislature to give you a raise, how about showing a little ambition, venturing out and finding a better job or earning a wage increase?